The last day of 2011

Dear readers, it's been awhile since the last time I blogged. Kinda missed blogging to be honest, but I have no choice since I don't have time to just relax and write. December was hectic. Actually I don't want to sound like complaining, but well the only word I can think of to describe what I feel in this month is: exhausting. I'm extremely exhausted. My part-time job did drain my energy to its minimum level.

By the way, today is the last day of 2011. I am quite excited to welcome 2012. But part of me is also not willing to let 2011 go. I mean, I've experienced many wonderful things this year, which would be too long if I tried to list them all here :P

Apparently time flies, sometimes too fast until I did not even have chance to capture every moment in my life properly. But no, I will not forget. I will cherish those memories, because you know, some memories are just too beautiful to be forgotten. I just want to thank everyone who has colored my days in this 2011. I won't forget those sweet moments we've been through together, while the bitter ones, leaving them behind might be a wise choice :)

However, sometimes the bitter moments even sharpen your maturity. Therefore, I feel so grateful to have those experiences in this 2011 :)

I just hope that 2012 will be a better year. My resolution? Hmm. Getting good grades, losing weight, being more independent and diligent and loving God and my families more.

PS: Next year too, I want to spend my time more with You and you :D

~Asa~

I just can't please everyone

Probably I'm just being over sensitive these days. I know I'm just a fragile little girl who is trying hard to be mature and responsible. Not to brag anything, but you know, I try extremely hard to be such an understanding person. I really try to please everyone. All the time.

Time after time I realize, is it what I really want to do? To please everyone and just throw away my ego somewhere else while realizing that it's been so painful all the time? Smiling even if it's bleeding inside? Trying to hold back while the tears are about to flood? I'm just not being me. What a shame.

Every word feels like sword. Every tone sounds like thunder. And every gesture makes me wonder, where did I go wrong?

Overwhelmed. And I just can't stand.

People change. That's true. Now, it's not like it used to be. And I'm getting tired of trying to please someone who never appreciate my good will. It's like, I tried to hold your hands, but you pushed me aside, walked away without ever looking back. Was it hurt?

If you're not mentally sick, it would be "yes".

However, as I think about it, maybe I'm just wasting my time here, thinking of someone who doesn't even care or want to know about how I feel. Just like talking to a mute. So all I can do is being myself even though I can't please everyone.

I tried hard to pray for this person, but I just couldn't do it. Praying for someone who has hurt you is not easy after all.

I'm sorry for that, God.

~Asa~

Summer semester

It's been a while since the last time I blogged. Sorry for that, but well it doesn't really matter since I don't think I have loyal readers who always follow my writings. And I don't feel that my blog is attractive enough, you know, I rarely include pictures or video in it. So frankly said, my blog is just too plain and boring.

I don't care anyway. As long as I can pour all my thoughts into writings, I have already been quite satisfied.

So yea, this is my second week of working, the sixth week of Psychology lecture and the first week of Marketing lecture in this summer semester. Am I busy? Yes, I hardly find time to even watch a movie. But surprisingly, I enjoy this kind of situation. Working till late at night, not this part, but I do enjoy my summer classes. Well, to my surprise, I like Psychology more than Marketing. I thought I would fall asleep during Psychology lectures, but no, this subject is really fun. Mostly the topics which had been covered in the lectures were really interesting, which made me stay awake and keep listening to the lecturer carefully.

How I hope I can score well this summer semester. I mean, come on, it's only two subjects! (I'm not underestimating. I am just feeling useless if I can't score better than in normal semester, though in fact I am quite busy with my part-time job).

I know I have to focus on my study first. You don't need to tell me about that :)

By the way, I can't wait for Chinese New Year. Even though I will be only going back for less than 5 days, I am really looking forward to coming back home. I miss my hometown, my family, my bedroom, my piano and my friends (I am not sure whether they miss me or not). So yea, I feel that time moves too slow now.

Therefore, feel free to call selfish. Unfortunately, what people said is true, that humans are never satisfied with what they have. They always want to have what they want, forgetting the fact that actually they have to want what they have instead. So I am one of those, no?


And I am missing someone right now.

PS: I wish you were here.

~Asa~

29 November 2011

 I am not sure since when exactly you've been the one I always think of when I am about to sleep, and the first person I remember when I wake up in the early morning.

I don't know since when I keep mentioning your name in my prayer every night. And I don't have any idea since when you've been the one I dream of both day and night.

あなたは私にとって重要です。

It's always been you, you and you. The same case happens to you too, no? :)

The journey we'll be traveling, the path we'll be walking and the difficulty we'll be facing won't be so easy. But God knows the best for us. Just surrender everything to Him. I just hope that we can be together until the very end :)

PS: I am officially missing you.

~Asa~

10th

"Lucky~ by Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat"

Beautiful melodies. Nice voices, fit each other's perfectly. Sweet lyrics. Too meaningful. This is the best song to describe everything :)

~Asa~

15.11.11

Eventually, I chose to trust. I considered it carefully and seriously until it came to no doubt at all. It was a big decision though. One of the biggest that I've ever made.

I'm happy. No reason. I'm just happy with my own decision :)

~Asa~

11.11.11

I was speechless, literally. I did not know what to do and what to say. It was just so sudden and I never expected that it would happen. Well, I got a feeling about it before, but I really never expected that it would turn into something like this.

Maybe I just need time too think.

Quietly. Carefully. Or else I'm gonna regret it in the future.

~Asa~

Be wise

"Think twice before you speak, because your words and influence will plant the seed of whether success or failure in the mind of another"

-Napoleon Hill-

Well, this post may sound quite offensive, so if you're not ready to read it, please close the window and come back again when you're ready.

Actually this post is based on my opinion merely about the power of words. Words are so powerful that most of the time they reflect our personalities. I know I'm just such a fool who doesn't even have any right to give any advice. But well, I'm just feeling so sad seeing those youngsters nowadays. Not all, but mostly, okay maybe it sounds rude, but yea most of them really don't know when they have to shut their mouths up. I am not sure whether they're just bunch of idiots who do not know the meaning of the words they utter and they thought those words are indeed cool or they do know the consequences but they still insist on using those words. I don't know. And I don't have any interest in seeking for the answers.

People judge others by the words they utter, the way they talk and their tones of speaking. You don't have to be a psychologist to know these kinds of stuff. Basically, although I know I shouldn't, but I do judge people by the way they talk to me, their tones, their body languages and the most importantly is the choice of words they're using. I do care of those. The ones who can impress me are usually speaking without rant but smart wordings. Just being honest, you don't want to befriend with those who speak rude words, do you? 

So this is what actually happened. No offense but I know a high school girl, most probably she will be 16 years old this year (I'm not sure), who always updates her facebook's status with those kinds of words (I'm sorry, it's like f*ck, b*tch, sl*t and many other "word of wisdom"s). Every single status. Almost everyday.

Shocked. Of course. Who wouldn't be so shocked seeing a young high school girl using those words? I mean, those words are just not appropriate for a girl like her (I never say it's suitable for guys though). I just don't get it, what's actually inside young people's head nowadays. I can't get it. Really. Did they just get hit at their heads hence it made them suffer from permanent head damage and think abnormally?  Or do they think that those words sound great?

Just stop kidding me. Those words ain't cool. 

Young girl, if you're reading this, please, I'm not insulting you. I just want to remind you, it's because I care of you, that you should at least reduce the frequencies of using those words. You don't want people to judge you as "bad" girl, do you? Trust me, once you utter those words, it gives kind of impression to other people. Bad impression of course. Nothing's cool with those words. Just stop.

Please. I beg you.

You may hurt people with words. You can stroke people with them. You limit your words.  To save or  to kill? 

You decide. Be wise.

"A blow with a word strikes deeper than a blow with a sword"

-Robert Burton-

PS : I never mean to offend anybody here. My apology, if I did.

~Asa~

Survival

Praise the Lord I am still alive up until now. I thought I'm gonna be "dead-meat" because of these three consecutive exams in three days respectively which have been successfully ruining my healthy lifestyle. Anyway, I feel so grateful that I could do the third paper quite well (not as worse as the other two). So I think it's time for me to feed myself with nice foods and have a nice sleep! :) Or should I watch movie? Since I almost forgot when the last time I watched movie. Hmm...

Okay, the last exam will be on 10th of November, Spectroscopy and Analytical Chemistry. I worry about this exam, since I was not really paying attention during the lectures (even though I tried to listen, it felt so useless since I couldn't even understand a thing). So yea, I need extra effort to revise the whole thing. Luckily, Electrochemistry and Mass Spec topics won't be coming out during this final, since we've done those in mid semester test (which was really hard! I only got 25.5 out of 50!!) :( And if they're still included, I think I will stop studying and just bang my head to the wall. Again and again. Luckily, nope.

But I believe, I just need to lean on God. I will try my best and keep praying because I know He listens to every prayer. And nothing's impossible with Him. I just need to put my trust in Him and surrender. Everything will be just beautiful at the end :)

Well, so far I feel so proud of myself. I just knew that I have such a good time management. I managed to finish 6 assignments in one week and revise three subjects in less than two weeks even though okay you know, I feel kind of lifeless lately. Therefore, I'd like to reward myself with nice foods :D
Okay, actually I can't wait till 10 November, right after my exam I plan to do "drama-marathon" from morning till night. I have a loooooonggg list of drama that I really want to watch since months ago. Monash is just so cruel. I didn't have time to watch drama since the laboratory sessions started.

By the way, my mom will come after my exam and we plan to travel to Singapore. Eating good foods, shopping, having fun... ooh, I can't wait I really can't wait!!!! :D
I miss my mom so much. I hope I could go back to my hometown, but my summer class starts too early on 16 November (FYI, it's 12 weeks! So I don't get it, what's the point of taking "summer" course?).

Okay, stop complaining. I'm the one who decides to apply for this subject anyway.

So yea, my third semester will end soon. Time passes incredibly fast. I'm 18 years old now, and will be a semester-four student soon :)

And I'm still wondering where I should work during my summer holiday. Just hoping that someone wants to employ me :P

Jya ne~
~Asa~

Bukan siapa-siapa...

Memenangkan juara pertama song writing competition Melody in You 3 yang diadakan FGCC tahun ini benar-benar kayak mimpi buatku. Atau mungkin mirip halusinasi siang bolong. Malah, bermimpi untuk menang pun aku nggak pernah. Sungguh.

Maksudku, siapa sih aku ini? Aku cuman cewek biasa, yang punya wajah biasa-biasa, kemampuan musik biasa-biasa dan bakat menulis yang biasa pula. Cuman postur tubuhku yang nggak biasa (karena pendek tentunya). Tapi, it's really amazing, Tuhan memakaiku dengan luar biasa. Sampai sekarang aku masih mengira kalau aku lagi berkelana dalam ilusiku sendiri yang siap-siap terbangun sebentar lagi dan kembali pada kenyataan kalau aku cuman cewek yang benar-benar biasa.

Oke, jadi intinya aku bukan siapa-siapa. Aku juga nggak pernah kepikiran untuk mengikuti kompetisi seperti ini kalau bukan karena ce Rani yang mengajak. Aku suka menulis, itu emang benar. Tapi kalau untuk menciptakan lagu dalam waktu yang sangat singkat (kira-kira 2 minggu) rasanya aku nggak akan sanggup, ditambah lagi dengan tugas-tugas kuliah yang udah mirip tumpukan baju kotor yang belum dicuci selama berhari-hari.

Tapi karena lagu itu untuk Tuhan, aku menciptakannya dengan sukacita, based on my personal experience as well, which is too private to write it down here. Dimulai dari kunci-kunci yang sederhana juga (yang setelah diperiksa ko Ivan dan ko Sam ternyata 80%nya salah, hore hore).

Intinya, terimakasih banyak buat ce Rani yang udah menyadarkan aku kalau cewek biasa seperti aku juga bisa dipakai secara luar biasa. Makasih karena udah membantuku kembali pada my true passion. Karena aku tau hal yang paling kucintai selama ini cuman menulis, menulis dan menulis. Anything else comes last. Aku nggak jadi mengkhianati talentaku sendiri dan aku nggak jadi mengubur bakat yang selama ini aku punyai. Jadi, aku benar-benar bersyukur untuk segalanya. Buat dukungan dari teman-teman, yang udah bersedia mendengarkan, I don't know what to say. I am just too grateful to have them in my life. Kalau nggak ada kalian, lagu ini nggak akan pernah ada. Sungguh.

Terimakasih yang paling besar tentunya untuk Tuhan. He's just too good. He's more than amazing. I can't thank Him more than this. Aku bahkan nggak yakin apakah aku pantas menerima semua kebaikanNya, karena aku begitu nggak sempurna dan punya banyak kekurangan. Aku bukan siapa-siapa. Benar-benar bukan siapa-siapa.

Dan aku tau, Tuhan merancang kehidupanku sedemikian rupa, tanpa celah. My life's created flawlessly. And in every plan of His, there is hope for every living. Nggak ada rancangan kecelakaan, yang ada rancangan sejahtera. Oh ya, since my birthday is coming soon, so I consider this as my birthday present. It's sweet :)

Aku mendapat banyak pelajaran dari Melody in You 3 ini. I feel blessed. Apalagi saat Kak Tama mengundangku ke music fellowship, padahal jelas-jelas aku bukan anggota musik. Mungkin ini ditujukan untukku supaya aku belajar lebih banyak lagi. See, He's really AMAZING!

About my passion, yeah writing. I have been in love with writing since years ago. Aku masih menunggu kabar soal novelku dari penerbit (yang udah kukirimkan sejak 4 bulan yang lalu), rasa-rasanya aku bakal ditolak lagi. Don't worry. I won't easily give up. Karena aku menulis bukan untuk jadi terkenal. Tapi aku menulis karena aku mau tulisanku dibaca orang-orang dan mereka terberkati karenanya. Okay, at least, they get something from my writings. Itu keinginanku yang sesungguhnya.

Well it will be absolutely a super long post if I insist on continuing the story. It's time for assignment. Jya ne.

~Asa~

The Writer of My Life

There was a time, I was once lost,
Couldn't find the light, when the hope's gone,
But I realized the beauty of Your grace,
You amazed me through the painting of Your love.

Now it's the time, I surrender,
Let tongue confess, let knees bow down,
Oh here I come Jesus, hold my hands,
You're amazing You're the savior of my life.

CHORUS:
Jesus let Yours be done,
My life's created flawlessly,
And I trust in Your plan I live,
There's hope behind the pain.

Jesus let Yours be done,
Heal me with blood of sacrifice,
Lord I'm saved... 'cause You're...
The writer of my life.

BRIDGE:
For the thousand times I fall,
You will never let me down,
For the beauty of Your grace,
I can't thank You more than this...


Well, the song above is my first worship song. I have composed some songs before this though. But not worship songs. Well so, overall, this is my fifth song.

So yea, I chose the title 'The Writer of My Life' and composed the lyric based on my personal experience, which might be too long to write it here. Not a perfect lyric, but trust me, those words came out purely from my heart :)

With suggestions from my FCL, ce Rani, I continued to compose the whole lyric. For the melodies, we did it together (Sorry Carol, if we're too noisy >.<). I tried to find the chords using guitar but since my ability is quite... errr... how to say, I think I really have to learn more. I am just an amateur. So we were asking help from others. A friend of ce Rani's (Ivan) was willing to be a guitarist during our performance last night and another one (Ko Sam) was really helpful in finding the variations for intro and interlude (he's a genius!). Btw, I played the intro and interlude parts using violin. Not good enough though. I was quite nervous that time and I almost lost my rhythm. I trembled. I couldn't even hold my bow properly. It ended up producing weird sounds (but I feel relived since no one realized it, maybe few only). And honestly, my vibrato was really bad. I want to learn more! I love violin so much! :(

Win or lose, I won't care. I've tried my best. I composed the song for God. All for God. No other motivation. If we win, I'll be so grateful. If we don't, I'll be still thankful for this beautiful experience.

How I hope this song could bless others!

~Asa~

Biggest enemy

I am scared of what people would think about me. I do care of what people said to me. I do worry about how they treated me. And I do realize that I am such a pathetic whose life is full with inconvenience. I worry about everything. I care about something that I am not supposed to care of. I keep thinking about useless things. No wonder my brain seems to be full of trashes.

So, that's true. My biggest enemy is my own thought. What people said is unfortunately right, when you have no idea how to control your mind, it may turn to be a huge foe for you. It may destroy you until pieces and at the very end, you will have nothing left. Nothing at all.

I am always scared of people's opinion about me--that they don't love me, that they never like me, that they will hate me forever. I don't want to be hated. But at the other side, I am not living to build reputation. I don't need reputation. Reputation is just a picture. Just try to burn and bury it, it will disappear with no trace. I don't need it. Really. I just don't want to be hated. That's it. I just want to be loved, because being hated without any reason is just way too painful.

But come on, life is too short to be spent this way. However, no matter how many times I try to convince myself, my brain is just too busy doing its own job. Its command is not my will. I keep thinking of the things that I don't want to think about. Ridiculous. I can't even take over my own mind. And I understand, if I remain in this situation, I will be murdered.

By my own thought.

I am trying hard to control my mind. Somehow, I wish I could be like those who never care of  others, who can hurt others without being afraid to be hated and who can laugh at other people's pain with no mercy. I wish I could be more ignorant. But I just can't.

I'm just an ordinary girl, who is imperfect, fragile, weak, fool and childish. But I am sure no one can be flawless. Is it wrong to have a flaw?

Yea, my mind is my biggest weakness after all.

~Asa~

Words of appreciation :)

This post is dedicated to someone out there, who used to be so important in my life. He's the one who used to support me no matter what condition I was in. He's the one who used to love me with all his heart and look at me as if I was the most precious person in his life. I remember he always gave me his best smile and it was the time I knew that even if the world was going to end, I would care of nothing else but him.

Dear you,
I was once very happy. You're the one who gave me happiness. The way you smiled, the way you looked at me and the way you talked to me made me realize that maybe no one else would ever love me as deep as you did.
I was once so happy, literally. Up until now, I feel so grateful that you have even been into my life, you taught me how beautiful to love and how lucky to be loved. It was really a valuable lesson to learn :)
I wanna thank you for everything you gave me in the past. And I hope in the future, we'll always be good friends who comfort each other.
You walk on your own path now, I know it for sure. You have your own dream and I have mine as well. Even though the distance seems to be so far away, you'll always be my precious memory, which is too beautiful to be forgotten. Well, to be honest, sometimes I can't help but smile when I am thinking of the past we've been through. The way you cheered me up when I was upset, you're just too cute. I really mean it :)
And again, I am so thankful that I had you in my life.
Wherever you are now, I only wish for your success and your happiness. I will find my happiness too. No worries.

Thank you for loving me the way I was. I can't thank you more than this. Really.

May all your dreams come true. God Bless you, always :)

~Asa~

Dream :)

So again, the hope is there,
I can see it clearly,
Lying exactly behind the pain and sacrifice,
Here comes the time I have to go on,
and stop caring of anything else but my dream

There was a time I threw my dream away,
Living only in present,
Trying hard to forget about future plan,
And staying fearfully in my own shell,
Just like a coward.

It was just before I realized the beauty of my dream,
It was just before I knew that I am destined to dream,
It was just when I only saw the pain,
It was just when I only noted failure,
But I realize,
I would only fail if I did not try.

I am gonna make my dream come true,
'cause it is so beautiful that I can't let go,
I will reach it no matter what,
'cause I no longer remember how to give up,
I'll keep trying,
Until the very end of my life,
Until the last drop of my blood.

~Asa~

Kalau segala sesuatunya mudah...

Bukan hidup namanya kalau segala sesuatu didapatkan dengan mudah dan cuma-cuma. Bukan hidup namanya kalau nggak ada air mata, peluh pengorbanan dan hati yang berdarah. Bukan hidup namanya kalau nggak ada kesusahan, kekesalan dan penyesalan. Bukan hidup namanya kalau selalu senang. Dan bukan hidup namanya kalau kamu nggak hidup di dalamnya.

Sometimes people only can learn in a HARD way, so that they can understand that life is actually not as beautiful as it seems. And here I am. Terkadang aku memang harus mendapat pelajaran seberat ini supaya aku bisa keluar dari dunia inosenku dan mulai mengenal betapa kerasnya dunia luar, karena dunia yang kutempati selama ini begitu nyaman, aku jadi lupa bagaimana kejamnya dunia di luar sana.

Saat aku menginjakkan kakiku ke dunia di luar sana, aku masih saja menganggap dunia itu adalah duniaku yang biasanya. Aku lupa kalau dunia di luar sana itu begitu kotor, kejam dan nggak kenal belas kasihan. Aku benar-benar lupa akan itu. Jadi dengan naifnya aku menginjakkan kakiku, mulai berjalan dengan meraba-raba sampai akhirnya aku menginjak ranjau dan terjerumus ke lubang yang paling dalam.

Awalnya aku nggak tau bagaimana caranya bangkit. Aku tersesat karena sekitarku gelap gurita. Aku menggigil, menangis dan beteriak minta tolong dalam kesendirianku. Kemudian aku mendengar suara dari atas. Suara itu memberitauku satu-satunya jalan keluar dari lubang itu hanyalah dengan cara menangkap dan menjerumuskan orang lain ke lubang yang sama dengan lubang yang memperangkapku sekarang ini. Lalu memakai mereka sebagai pijakanku untuk kemudian mendaki ke atas.

Biar kutegaskan, suara siapapun yang kudengar itu, it was absolutely not a good idea.  Memakai orang lain untuk memanjat naik? Menjebak orang lain dan menjerumuskan mereka ke lubang yang sama? Hanya supaya kamu bisa mendaki naik dari lubang kebodohanmu sendiri? Itu mencelakai orang lain. Dan MANUSIA mana yang tega melakukan hal seperti itu? Tolong beritau aku, siapa yang mampu mencelakai orang lain hanya untuk kepentingan pribadi?

If those kinds of people do exist in this world, maaf, berarti aku dan orang itu jelas beda total dalam prinsip hidup. Ini bukan soal mana yang benar dan mana yang salah. Tapi ini soal nilai kemanusiaan. Mungkin kalian benar, hidup itu kotor, you should stab others' back first instead of being stabbed by others. Mungkin aku memang terlalu polos, atau lebih tepatnya IDIOT, tapi sungguh aku nggak akan bisa melakukan hal seperti itu. Aku nggak bisa menusuk orang lain dari belakang apalagi orang-orang yang aku kenal dan yang dekat denganku. Aku NGGAK akan sanggup. Tindakan non-manusiawi seperti itu cuman bakal terjadi kalau aku tanpa sadar kepalaku terbentur benda tumpul dan aku mendadak kehilangan akal. I won't behave like animal, trust me. Karena menurutku, mencelakai orang lain demi keuntungan pribadi adalah dosa yang benar-benar besar. Aku nggak akan sanggup menanggung dosa itu sendirian.

So I decided to quit. Who says a quitter always be a loser? In this case, I am not a loser. Aku lebih memilih tetap tinggal di dalam lubang dan menangis sendirian daripada harus menjerumuskan orang lain ke dalamnya supaya aku bisa memanjat naik. Aku lebih memilih cara yang lebih baik, untuk berusaha keras memanjat naik dan berhenti mempermainkan orang lain. Aku punya cara yang lebih baik, jelas. Karena belakangan aku sadar, aku nggak sendirian.

Because God is always with me. No matter how hard the situation is. 

Aku belajar banyak dari masalah ini. It's like a blessing in disguise. Mungkin benar gara-gara ini aku depresi berat dan hatiku terluka parah, tapi karena masalah ini juga aku jadi lebih dekat lagi sama Tuhan. And I learned a valuable lesson about this life.

PS:
I believe, the choice is mine. Not anyone else. Not yours. Not hers. Not his. It's mine. Yes it's mine.

~Asa~

World is such a dirty place :(

To kill or to be killed. Life is cruel.
To cheat or to be cheated. World is such a dirty place.
To laugh or to be laughed. Life is ridiculous.
To tease or to be teased. World knows no mercy.

The killer and the victim, none of them is winner.
But both of them are losers. Indeed.
I don't know what to do, literally.
To be a killer, doesn't make me gain victory.
But to be a victim, I guess it'll be very painful, won't it?

So the only thing I can do.
is either being hated by everyone and trying to get what I deserve,
or hurting myself but not dragging anyone else into the mess.

What do you called it?
A loser on one side, but you can be a hero on the other side.
Or to be a deceiver on one side and
remain a swindler on the other side.
Which one to choose?

I just can't get it why other people can easily be a cheater
without thinking of anyone else
I just don't understand
The only thing I know is...

I've made a truly stupid decision
This is the stupidest idea I've ever thought of.
Regretting is idiot,
Crying is immature,
And grumbling will change nothing.

Therefore let this be an experience for me.
A valuable experience.
I won't hate them as I hate to be hated,
They choose to kill, instead of being killed,
It's a normal way to survive.

I hope I could be more mature and not too innocent in the future.

Life is ruthless. World has no mercy, but I believe...
God has plan.

~Asa~

Random thought

Am I important to you? Do you ever think about me even once or even a second before you're going to sleep? Do you ever regret what you've done to me? Aren't you feeling guilty? Do you think you're supposed to feel guilty? OR honestly, do you realize your mistake? 

No, I never hate you. Okay maybe yea, once. But it's long time ago, before I knew how beautiful forgiveness would be.

 Do you know, I pray for you every night before I am going to sleep. I pray for you so you can at least open your heart and realize that you, yourself, is feeling so lonely. That's the reason why you keep hurting others.  I just want you to realize that actually you're not alone. Everybody cares and thinks of you. You just never realize it.

Well, I never mean to intimidate you. I just want you to understand, if you're feeling so lonely, you may come to me. I'll accept you as if nothing's happened in the past. I promise you.

We are friends, aren't we? 

If you think so...

~Asa~  

Dilemma :(

I'm in a HUGE dilemma. I don't know which to choose. I just can't decide. Or maybe, I just can't let go? Yea, so again, to let go is the hardest part.

Okay, most probably you don't even understand what I am talking about right now. So this is about 'chance'. I was wondering about taking the Chinese-In-Country-Program from Monash. Going to Shanghai to learn Chinese sounds really interesting to me. I can't deny that my desire to spend winter in Shanghai is unspeakably huge. I want to go there. I really want to go there. Well, I am considering the price too, since Australian Dollar is increasing, so it's a bit hard for me (the payment is in AUD). I asked my mother about it, I got a feeling that she'd let me go. I know since I was little, she's been forcing me to learn Chinese. So yea, the price wouldn't be any problem.

But the problem is...

The desire to go there suddenly fades away. It's because of JLPT. Okay let me tell you. JLPT stands for Japanese Language Proficiency Test. The test will be on 4 December this year. If I go to Shanghai, I won't be able to take the test. The next test will be held next year in July. I can't wait that long, while my teacher keeps asking me to join and my classmates were planning to take the test too.

If you're about to ask me, which one is more important to me, of course, JLPT is more important. It is what I called as starting step to reach my dream. BUT, if I take the test, it means I will miss the opportunity to go to Shanghai. I can't let the chance go. I want to go there too. And I want to take the test too. I am too greedy I guess. I know I have to choose either one, but I just can't. I really can't choose. I CAN'T!

About the Chinese-In-Program, this year is my only chance, since I am going to do my internship next year. So yea, what do you think, huh? Which one should I give up on? I don't know...

All I can do is to pray. Hoping that He'll answer my prayer.

(Oh ya, I am not able to join the Japanese Speech Contest since it is only for Malaysians. It's unfair no? I've spent hours to finish the composition of 900 words!)

~Asa~

In Love :)

These few days I kept listening to these two songs over and over again. The first one is Super Junior's "Mr. Simple". And the second one is "0330"-U-Kiss. I am so in love with these songs <3

This is "0330" by U-kiss.

And this one is "Mr. Simple" by Super Junior.

PS : I finally realized that EunHyuk is super cool! No wonder most of my friends like him so much.

Btw, I like Lee Ki Seop from U-kiss. He's a great dancer and he's super handsome! >.<

See ya. Gotta sleep now. I will be having morning classes tomorrow.

~Asa~

:(

I am having gastric pain. Trust me, it's painful enough to kill me. I feel like vomiting out everything inside my stomach. Well...

Don't worry. I'm okay. I feel better after drinking a cup of hot chocolate. But this reminds me of my mom.

I used to suffer from this pain since I was little. Usually it takes 3-4 days or sometimes it will take around 1-2 weeks to recover.

If my mom was here, she would take care of me, make me a cup of hot chocolate and accompany me until I fall asleep.

Somehow I feel so lonely. I need my mother. I miss her so much.

Five days ago was her birthday but I couldn't buy her any present. Seriously, I don't know what to buy. I don't have enough money to buy branded stuffs. Moreover, it will be too late if I give the present in semester break since I will only be going back this November :(

Sorry Mom. I am not a good daughter :(

But I indeed...

...love you.

~Asa~

New semester

My third semester in Monash started just around 3 days ago. This is still my first week, so I won't be really busy. But right after the labs start, sure I will be dead meat. I have three labs, as usual, and my time table is really packed. I am not even sure that I have time for lunch on Tuesday. Well it's okay. I am get used to it already since I have experienced something worse last semester. Or is this semester worse than last semester?  Err. I don't know. The only thing I know is I SURVIVE until now, but NEXT semester will be the WORST.

I repeat it. THE WORST.

I still insist on my own opinion that Food Science students should have more food subjects instead of having SCI 2010, or Recombinant DNA etc. So yea, the only subject I can enjoy (this is my first impression though) is only CHM 2962; Food Chemistry. And the rests... I almost fell asleep everytime the lecturers started to talk. The other subjects are boring. And I am not really interested in them too.

But this semester I'm wishing for better result. I should be more hardworking than EVER! Because I know if I still keep my lazy habits with me, I won't make any change. So yea, you understand what I mean right? And my surprise, some juniors said that I'm truly hardworking. First, I thought, "What kind of joke is that?" but then I heard my Japanese teacher said so and I came to a conclusion. I look like a hardworking girl, but in fact I am not. Pity, many people are  fooled by my look. LOL XD

By the way, I've signed up again for my Japanese class, since I stopped for likely 1-2 months. I just knew that I am now an "intermediate" student, no longer a "beginner". I am slightly happy, dunno why. Hehe. Maybe it means I am a step closer to my dream (to master Japanese soon).

Oh ya, I think I should be thrifty a bit. I've spent A LOT of money since I arrived here. I feel so guilty. But my mom said it's okay as long as I spent it in a right way (I mean for Japanese class, accommodation, food and other necessities, not like shopping branded stuffs etc.) Oh yea, and watching movies is a necessity for me :P

Well then. I should end it here or else somebody's gonna fall asleep :P

~Asa~

Untitled

This is ridiculous. But unfortunately, no one is laughing.

I am done.

I am done with this.

~Asa~

Just Imagine :)

Imagine...
If every life is like a fairytale,
always ends with happy ending,
always ends with bright smile on everyone's face,
always ends with tears of joy,
There will only be an everlasting happiness.

Imagine...
You can get everything you want,
There won't be suffering,
There won't be sorrow,
There won't be despair,
And it won't be this exhausting.

Imagine...
If the person you love,
smile at you peacefully,
look at you in the eyes and say, "I'll never leave."
There won't be farewell.
There won't be pain.
And it won't hurt this much.

But will it be any difference?

Is it called perfection?

Or is it called "selfish"?

As I know, perfection is not only how you are being rich and beautiful or it is not just only when you get everything you want. Perfection is not only loving someone with all your heart and giving up the rests.

Perfection is also about letting go.

~Asa~

Terang. Redup. Terang. Redup

Mungkin benar kata orang-orang. Jangan bermimpi terlalu tinggi, karena sekali kamu terjatuh, bakal bukan main sakitnya. Mungkin topik seperti ini udah terlalu umum untuk dibicarakan.


Jadi yang terang, redup, terang, redup itu mimpiku. Kalau kalian tanya, mimpi yang mana? Mimpi terbesarku. Mimpi yang udah kutemukan sejak aku masih duduk di bangku SMP. Mimpi yang udah sangat dekat, aku hanya perlu menjulurkan tanganku sedikit lebih jauh, tapi mungkin sayangnya tanganku terlalu pendek untuk itu, dan aku belum juga berhasil. Mimpi itu juga adalah mimpi yang selalu ingin kubuktikan bahkan sejak sebelum aku menemukannya. Aku punya motivasi yang cukup mulia untuk mewujudkannya. Tapi entah kenapa sampai sekarang mimpi itu belum tercapai, seakan semua kerja kerasku belum cukup, seakan semua talenta yang kumiliki palsu, dan seakan semua doa yang kupanjatkan tak cukup kuat.

Tapi kecintaanku akan menulis lebih kuat daripada keinginanku untuk menyerah. Aku cinta akan menulis bahkan jauh sebelum aku sadar akan itu. Dan seberapa besar cinta itu, nggak akan bisa terlukiskan dengan kata-kata. Intinya, seberapa besar cinta itu adalah sesuatu yang nggak ternilai. Tapi, apa cinta aja cukup untuk mewujudkan mimpi?

Jangan bilang aku nggak bekerja keras untuk yang satu ini. Aku berjuang, menaruh harapan tapi gagal. Aku berjuang lagi, menaruh harapan lagi, tapi gagal lagi. Begitu seterusnya sampai aku lelah dan benar-benar kepengen vakum dari menulis (ceilehh, serasa penulis terkenal aja). Aku berhenti selama beberapa bulan. Tapi nggak sanggup. Menulis satu-satunya hal yang kucintai sangat dalam dan bertahan sangat lama--bertahun-tahun sejak SMP sampai sekarang. Aku nggak bisa mencintai hal lain sedalam aku mencintai menulis. Aku nggak punya keinginan lain yang lebih besar selain keinginanku untuk jadi penulis. Bahkan keinginanku untuk cepat-cepat menguasai bahasa Jepang dan tinggal di negeri itu di masa depan nanti juga nggak bisa mengalahkan seberapa kuat hasrat terpendamku untuk jadi penulis. Dengan kalimat lain yang dipersingkat, aku nggak mampu hidup tanpa menulis. Menulis udah seperti nafas buatku. I can't live without it.

Tapi jangan salah. Aku menulis bukan hanya karena kecintaan semata. Aku menulis karena aku ingin tulisanku setidaknya memberikan 'sesuatu' pada orang yang membacanya. Karena dengan begitulah aku baru pantas disebut 'penulis'. Dan kalau aku gagal memberikan suatu pelajaran bagi pembaca, itu artinya aku juga gagal dalam ambisiku menjadi penulis.

Harus berapa lama aku bermimpi? Atau memang ini emang cuman ditakdirkan sebagai "mimpi" dan bukan "kenyataan"? Kapan mimpi ini bisa jadi kenyataan? Apa aku masih belum cukup lama bersabar?
Aku benar-benar nggak mengerti dimana letak kesalahan yang harus kuperbaiki. Aku nggak pernah bilang kalau aku sempurna juga, since I knew no one's perfect. Tapi kenapa sih susah sekali mewujudkan mimpi yang satu ini? Aku nggak merasa lebih buruk dari penulis-penulis yang berhasil menerbitkan karyanya, tapi kenapa? Kenapa? Setelah sekian lama mana bisa aku terus duduk diam bersabar sementara aku udah mencoba terlalu keras hingga hatiku ikutan kebas.

Sebenarnya sewaktu salah satu penulis yang udah berhasil menerbitkan novel membaca karyaku dan dia bilang kalau karya itu ada sesuatu yang "bagus banget", plus dia menyuruhku mengirimkan ke salah satu penerbit, aku merasa hidupku berada dalam titik terang. Tapi kalau memikirkan karyaku bakal ditolak lagi, itu membuatku mundur ke titik redup. Istilahnya, aku maju selangkah tapi mundur tiga langkah. Bukan sesuatu yang benar-benar brilian untuk ditiru.

Jadi sebenarnya kegagalan-kegagalan itu ada di kepalaku sendiri. Actually, if we never try, we'll never know. Tapi aku benar-benar takut bakal ditolak lagi, mengingat satu penerbit udah menolak naskahku mentah-mentah dan itu cukup bikin aku berada dalam titik GELAP selama berminggu-minggu. aku benar-benar berharap kalau kali ini karyaku bisa diterima. I wanna be a writer. Bukan karena uang. Bukan karena nama. Tapi karena cinta dan keinginan.

Terang. Redup. Terang. Redup. Aku harap lanjutannya BUKAN "Gelap Gulita" atau "Mati" atau "Nggak nyala lagi". Aku ingin lanjutannya "TERANG BENDERANG" "TERUS MENYALA" semacam itu. Well, tapi aku nggak mau berharap terlalu banyak. Too much hope will kill you.


Jadi bolehkah aku terus mencintai menulis? Atau sebaiknya aku nyerah aja?

Aku lebih memilih yang pertama. Tapi kalau semua kecintaan itu berakhir sia-sia, mungkin pilihan kedua nggak bakal jadi sebegitu buruknya.

~Asa~

Holidays

Hey guys, this time, let the photos tell you how fun my holiday was! =D

~Asa~

Vandalism

Pertama-tama saya ucapkan terimakasih pada TYME atas berkatnya pada hari ini hingga saya dapat... (oke stop stop, ini bukan kata pengantar)... Jadi yah, actually I'm so grateful bisa travel ke Jakarta dan Bandung with my Mom and Brother. Okay, stop with Inggris campur-campur. I'd like to use Indonesian since I've always been using English.

The trip was fun. Perjalannya benar-benar asyik. Aku menikmati liburan kali ini, karena rasanya menyenangkan aja bisa melihat sisi lain dari Indonesia. I enjoyed it very much. Ngomong-ngomong, Jakarta dan Bandung itu luar biasa. Jakarta contohnya, oke, lepas dari kenyataan kalau Jakarta adalah tempat yang tepat buat menumbuhkan jerawat dan komedo dengan tingkat kepengapan, kemacetan dan kepadatan yang udah nggak tertolong lagi, sebenarnya Jakarta benar-benar suatu kota yang hebat! Pembangunannya luar biasa. Metropolitan. Mau apa aja ada. Hanya aja, lalu lintas Jakarta kurang diatur dan itu yang menimbulkan sisi-sisi buruk buat masyarakat.

Sedangkan Bandung, well, Bandung is more than awesome. Bicara jujur, sebenarnya aku jatuh cinta berat sama Bandung sejak pertama kali aku menginjakkan kakiku di sana. Mungkin Bandung bukan kota yang terlalu besar. Seingatku juga, dalam pelajaran sejarah dulu dulu sekali, Bandung adalah kota peristirahatan. Dan sekarang kota itu maju pesat! Banyak gedung-gedung tinggi tapi masih aja terasa kental nilai kebudayaannya. Pantas aja banyak turis yang datang ke Bandung.

Well, talking about Bandung, what's good in Bandung?

Aku nggak begitu mengerti soal tempat-tempat bersejarah. Aku cuman mengunjungi beberapa tempat wisata di sana: Gn. Tangkuban Parahu, Kawah Putih dan Kampung Daun. Dan sungguh, semua tempat itu benar-benar hebat! Hanya saja yang membuatku kecewa, ternyata di muka bumi ini masih ada saja orang-orang yang bertingkah kekanak-kanakkan yang mengira aksi "perusakan lingkungan" mereka adalah sesuatu yang keren.

Contohnya aja nih ya, sewaktu mengunjungi Kawah Putih, aku melihat banyak coretan-coretan di monumen dan bebatuan yang di sana. Ada yang sengaja menuliskan nama mereka di bebatuan di sana. Oh come on, apa sih yang mereka pikirkan? Apa sih mau mereka? Mereka mau menunjukkan kalau mereka pernah datang ke tempat itu? Hey, mereka bisa mengabadikannya lewat foto dan itu jelas jauh lebih indah dan bijaksana daripada dengan cara menyorat-nyoret benda-benda bersejarah! Yang mereka lakukan itu nggak lain dan nggak bukan hanyalah merusak objek-objek wisata dan menghancurkan nilai sejarah suatu benda. Dan itu sama sekali NGGAK keren.

Jujur ya, aku marah banget waktu melihat corat-coret itu di sana. Oke, mungkin aku bukan Lie Eng Hok yang punya jiwa nasionalis yang sangat tinggi, yang rela berjuang keras demi mempertahankan kemerdekaan Indonesia. Tapi aku tetap marah melihat tempat-tempat yang sangat berarti di negaraku di corat-coret dan dirusak seenaknya. Ini sama halnya seperti ini: aku seenaknya masuk ke rumahmu, menghancurkan perabotan rumahmu, lalu masuk ke kamarmu dan mencorat-coret dinding kamarmu.

Dan menurutmu, perbuatanku itu keren? Nggak kan? Itu sama halnya dengan saat kamu merusak salah satu objek wisata atau saat kamu menghancurkan nilai sejarah suatu benda atau tempat. Nggak ada yang hebat dengan aksi itu.

Karena itu aku menghimbau buat semuanya, mungkin kita emang nggak bisa berperan dalam kemajuan negara, atau kita mungkin nggak bisa jadi orang-orang yang memberantas vandalism, tapi apa sulit buat kita untuk NGGAK merusak sesuatu yang udah ada? Apa sesulit itu mempertahankannya?

Oke, ini bukan kampanye. Jadi sebelum kalian benar-benar tertidur saat membaca blog ini, mendingan aku sudahi di sini aja. Ini cuman opiniku dan kalau kalian nggak setuju dengan apa yang kutulis di sini, kita bisa bertukar pikiran dan nggak harus ada yang tersinggung karenanya. Last but not least, maaf kalau apa yang kutulis ini cuman berdasar dari aksi sok tau dan sok peduliku akan lingkungan karena sebenarnya aku juga bukan pencinta alam.

So yea, thanks for those who read this.

~Asa~

Results

So yea, the result for my second semester in Monash is...

Bad. Well, actually I feel relieved I passed all the subjects. I made some progress though, but still the marks are far from what I've expected. On the other side, the disappointment grows really strong. I should have done better =(

Well, it's okay. As long as I've tried my best. Still, I feel so grateful that I passed my Biotech. I was scared I would fail this subject since I was sick during the exam. But, God is good all the time. He listens to every prayer. Thanks Lord =)

I'm ready for my second year. I'll definitely do better than this. By the way, time flies, huh? I'm a senior in university life now. Hohoho XD (I don't know for what reason I feel so happy =P)

How's your results guys? I hope everything goes well too =)

Thanks friends for your concern. Love ya =*

~Asa~

Have you ever?

Hey, I am just wondering... how it feels when we're in love with someone?

Have you ever liked someone until you can't even greet him properly? Have you ever been falling in love with someone until you feel so embarrassed when he's around? Have you ever been in situation when you can't even look him in the eyes but facing to the other direction when he's talking to you just because you're so nervous? Have you ever felt over-excited just by looking at his back and seeing him smiling happily? Have you ever been in love with someone that he's the only one you're thinking of the whole night and the only reason you're smiling during the day until others think that you are crazy? Have you ever been so speechless while talking to him and ended up saying nothing because you worry he can hear your heartbeats and he'll find out your feeling? Or... have you ever been such a coward, that sometimes your heart will overflow but you just can't comfess?
Have you ever felt that way?

No. It's not me. Pity me I've never been that way before. Not that strong. But I could feel how strong the love is when I watched this anime.

I recommend you. The title is "Kimi ni Todoke" or in English is "Reaching You."

I'd like to write the review here, but it will be a very long post, so I decided to just share the picture. You may ask "Mr. Google" if you'd like to know the synopsis. Or you can watch your own if you're really curious how "Doki-doki" the show is =P

 

So, this is Kuronuma Sawako and Kazehaya Shota, the main characters in this anime. Believe me, they are both really cute together. Okay, this anime maybe is a "typical" Japanese teenage love story. But this anime is really realistic, telling you how beautiful to love someone. It makes me wonder, will I feel that "kind" of love someday? 

I like this scene. And I like the moment when finally Kazehaya tells Suwako that he liked her.

My favorite expression of Kazehaya. He looks cute when he's embarrassed or jealous.

By the way, this anime is quite old, I think. Around 1-2 years ago? But the second season just came out 3-4 months ago. I bought it long time already, but I just watched it today since I never have time to watch =(

Well then. Watching this cute-beautiful-naive anime makes me wonder, is it really beautiful to be in love with someone?

Or maybe I should go back to the high school's time, since I am too old for this kind of story LOL XD

Maa. Love story has always been my favorite.

PS: It's not that I've never been that way before. But actually, I've forgotten the feeling =P

~ASa~

I'm coming home

I'm coming home, coming home

Tell the world I'm coming home...

I remember the song, well someone reminded me about that song, which will be very suitable for what I'm gonna do on 17 of June. I'll be home! Yay! 

I miss home, literally. I wanna go home since months ago and tell my family how much I miss them. And today, I finished all the exams and I am ready for home! Well, actually I haven't packed my things yet and I haven't cleaned my room (the room which I am gonna leave for more than 1 month), I should tidy up all my papers and put my lecture notes and lab reports together, since my juniors said they want my reports, so yea, I should gather all the papers. 

By the way, today is my last paper, I've told you, haven't I? And as I expected, the questions were not difficult, well would be very difficult if you did not study at all. However, God really listened to my prayer. Many questions were repeating from the past year's, and the rest, I've read before. So yea, I expect for High Distinction this time.

Okay, it does not really matter now. I just wanna go home. I don't wanna think about the result. Well, I want HD so badly though, but who cares anyway. It's time for holiday. Forget it. Forget it.

I thank God for everything. I feel so grateful for everything He gave to me, really. I love Him more and more. 

By the way, I need to clean my room as soon as I shut down my laptop (and pack my things of course), I'll be coming home the day after tomorrow, oh yea I am so excited, over excited until I can't stop doing something hyper today. I realized I laugh louder than I used to, so yea this is what I call the-after-exam-effect. Don't blame me if I am being too noisy. LOL XD

For those who are still having exam until next week, best of luck for you. Don't forget to pray, because He listens to every word you say =)

(I had fun with my friends today, watching X-MEN and drinking Cha Time, I feel SO FREE! FREEDOM IN THE AIR, BANZAI!)

~Asa~

Depression

So, tonight is the peak of every horror that I have been holding back in these 2 semesters. I know I am not good  enough to score really well like other geniuses did for every subject. But I keep trying my best (everybody does I think) and still, I never get what I really want. I never expect, that today I cry a lot because of this academic problem (I never cried over my grade during high school, since I never failed any subject and I scored very well without studying too hard). But I guess, high school and university are totally two different things.

So yea, I recalculated my internal mark for biotech. I found myself falling down into the deepest despair after knowing what I got. I tried to persuade myself that everything's gonna be okay, but my tears kept falling down. I was sobbing uncontrollably until my eyes turned swollen and my throat was choked. I am scared, literally. I was trying not to worry so much about the past and moving on to study for my last exam, but I just could not. My tears refused to stop streaming down my face. I was totally depressed. I was indeed stressful, I am and I will be until I finish the last exam.

Honestly, I am thinking of giving up now. Because... everything seems to be really tough. Sometimes I question myself, why should I go through such a condition? I am too pampered I guess, I can't stand staying far from home, I miss my family all the time and doing everything alone feels to be so lonely. I know I should be more independent. 

And  I questioned God, why He had to be so unfair to me? Was it a punishment? Or was it a kind of exam to test my faith? I began to accept it since I know I was not hardworking enough last semester. However, for this semester... Hey, I've been trying extremely hard. Won't it be really unfair if I do not succeed? Won't it? I have never been trying so hard before, until I felt truly exhausted and almost fell sick just to study one subject! Was it still not enough? I am not aiming for High Distinction. I am just aiming for Credit, not more. But now I am scared that I can't even pass the subject. I am not asking more, God, but just let me get what I deserve.

The more I think about it, the more stressful I am and the more tears will fall down as well. Sometimes yea, I'm indeed thinking of giving up. However, I realize I have been choosing this path and I should be responsible on the choice I've made. Therefore, again, I told myself, no matter how hard it will be, I will keep trying. No matter how many times I fall down, I will certainly get up and continue to walk because I believe that actually I have the ability. I can score well if I want, it's just maybe the matter of... luck? (well, now I am trying to cheer up myself).

By the way, I feel much better after crying. I am just... too tensed. I am gonna be alright after the exams. But... I am not sure whether or not I have the courage to see the result.

PS: Thanks for your concern, friends =)

~Asa~

Relief

Hi,
Having 3 exams in 3 days respectively is totally not a good memory to remember. I was really stressful during the first three exams and the days before that. Moreover, those three subjects are the toughest amongst all (for me): Biology, Biotechnology and Chemistry. I was focusing myself on Biotechnology. I was trying to memorize the whole BOOK and I almost succeeded. Okay, I may say I was be able to remember the whole chapters in the book until I felt like nothing to read anymore (except the chromatography part, I totally gave up but I was sure that this part wouldn't come out during exam), and I had mastered the tutorial questions really well. But... BLAH, guess what, I CANNOT ANSWER MANY QUESTIONS DURING THE EXAM! Maybe I was too scared and tense until I could not even think clearly. I kept forcing my brain to work and I ended up having headache. I was shivering and felt sick during the exam. And at the end of the exam, I cried. I felt so useless. I had studied so hard until having sore eyes but I ended up like this? I was totally in mess that time. I wanna scream out loud, but I did not have any energy to do so. I could only cry =(
I hope I can pass this subject. I don't want to fail it =((

Then I continued to revise Chemistry since the day after Biotech, I would be having Chemistry exam (so, it's today). Well, I could only study likely 2 hours, then I decided to sleep early because I was feeling unwell. I woke up early the next morning and felt better. By the way, I can't say that I did the chemistry exam well, but I can say it's much better than my biotech. So yea, now I feel so relieved. I only have 1 subject left, and I do not really worry about Food Science since my internal mark is quite high. Actually I expect to get HD for Chemistry. However, I think it's just my silly hope. I know I will not get High Distinction. If I can get Distinction, I will be very thankful. But if only I have more time, I am sure I can make it.

Left Food Science, the last exam of this semester (for me), I will do my best and let God do the rest. I can only surrender. Hopefully, I can get at least Distinction for this subject. Actually I want High Distinction. But yea, I will do my best, I won't care about the result anymore.

Well yea, I can't wait to finish all my exams. I miss home literally =(

By the way I wanna thank all my friends who keep praying for me during this exam period. And for those who keep motivating me also, by saying "Good Luck", "You can do it", "Keep praying", etc, I'd like you know that those words are so meaningful. Now I know, some still really care for me. I appreciate, all. Thanks =)

Best of luck too for those who are having exam. Love ya =D

~Asa~

Untitled

"Fotografer sama modelnya. Cocok banget."

Oke. Jadi 1 kalimat itu menusuk langsung, entah ke bagian jantung yang mana, dan stuck in my head selama berjam-jam. With no reason.

So, ini yang dinamakan galau ya?

*kacau

~Asa~

The Next Niccolo Paganini

Have you heard about Paganini? He's called as the god of violin in his era. Once, my violin teacher told me about him. He's not handsome but he could make many ladies fall for him just by watching him playing his violin. He's violist, composer and guitarist as well.

So this guy, his name is Alexander Rybak. He's a Norwegian and he's just 25 years old this year! I was stunned the first time I heard him playing "Song From A Secret Garden," one of my favorite songs. I was just so speechless. He was really mesmerizing. I could not take my eyes off from him. He's just the way too amazing. And soon yea, I'm falling in love with him. No doubt, he will be the next Niccolo Paganini!

Watch and feel every melody he played. The feeling flows beautifully with the music. I heard this sentence before, "If you cry when you play your instrument, it means you're playing with your heart."

He's so adorable, right? I wanna be like him =)

~Asa~

30 May 2011

It's almost the end of the month. Tomorrow is the last day of May. I've been starring at my Chemistry lecture notes and textbook, and doing some past papers for more than five days and yet, I haven't mastered all the topics. I feel so useless. Organic part is my weakness.

Actually I could concentrate better these few days, before the time I saw him again. He's kind of disruption in my mind. I'm not saying that I like him, I am just... well, he gives me good impressions for almost all the time. It can be said also, he always knows the way to impress me. But as I think about it, I am not the kind of girl that can attract guys. I am not beautiful, not a lady-like type. I am not smart either, I am never being too fashionable. I am not charming. I can mesmerize no one. Yea so... You get what I mean right? I'm sure, he's not even looking at me.

Okay, give me chance to emphasize what I mean. I don't like him. I am not in love. And... to be honest. I don't want to fall for someone who doesn't like me first. Well. It may sound selfish. Yea, I am selfish. But I don't want to have one-sided love again. It's too painful and too stupid. Once is enough. It was not merely a broken heart. It was... more than that. That's why I said I am not in love and I don't want to be in love, since the feeling is really torturing. So yea... I am trying so hard to get him out of my mind, even if he refuses to leave. 

Great, now stop discussing about him.

Talking about other thing, I feel that my relationship with God is getting stronger. I try involving him in every single thing I do. I know He's always with me, brightening my way with His grace, sacrificing His life to save me, I feel so blessed. I love Him more and more. I can find such a peace from no one else except Him. Like the song, "There is none like You. No one else can touch my heart like You do..." =)

I want to be closer and much closer again to Him. I love God. He's the best thing in my life. I feel so blessed that I know Him as the savior of mine.

And I believe His plan is better than my own plan. I surrender everything.

~Asa~

Feel so down

I feel so down recently. Exam comes nearer, but I just can't devote the whole part of my brain to focus on my lecture notes. I keep thinking of useless things, and they are quite successful to distract my mind from my responsibility to study. I am totally in a mess these few days.

Well. It might be self-esteem problem. Honestly, I've never been this way before. For no reason, I feel that I am so imperfect. I know no one is perfect in this world. But still, I feel both my appearance and my personality are beyond what-so-called-perfect. I am not beautiful. I am not a lady-like. I am so childish all the time. I am too immature and too naive. I am not smart. And I am not smart. And I am not smart. Okay, I am not smart. Yeah, why am I not smart?

How I hope I could be smarter. And more hardworking of course, since I know it's really my major problem. I am not sure whether to procrastinate is my main expertise, or it's true that reports, assignments and other activities are the ones which always delay me from study (okay, now I try to find excuses). As I realize, I don't have enough time to study 3 subjects only in 2 weeks. It makes my confidence level drop tremendously. I am scared of failure. Again. The feeling is so strong that I can't even get away from it.

Another thing is... a guy. I am so clueless why I keep thinking of him. Seriously. I am not in love okay? I am not. But I just don't have any idea why he keeps appearing in my brain. He is really occupying my mind for the whole day until I feel like throwing my brain away and changing it with a new one. I hope he can get out of my mind very soon because if he's still there, I will really be insane. So please, I beg you. Get out of my mind. I should not have met you yesterday =(

I need help, literally. God, save me.

I will try to focus on the first subject of my exam. Hence, I will study hard for the other two. I arrange my study time accordingly to the exam time table. If I do not follow the arrangement, the thing that I fear the most will happen. 

Even a second is very precious for me now.

God, bless me.

~Asa~

Two sides

Some people are just too naive.
Only looking at the present,
Forgetting about the past,
and hopping a miracle to come in the future.

Yea, some people are just too naive,
Believing each other after being hurt,
Smiling as if everything is their first time,
Admiring the rainbow after cursing the rain,
And loving again after experiencing the pain.

But some people are too hypocritical,
Faking a smile behind the tears,
Pretending to love but still holding the grudge,
Retaining hatred with unusual kindness,
Just like an angel in disguise. 

Well really, some people are just too hypocritical,
Hurting others while knowing how painful it is to be hurt,
Betraying others while understanding how hard it is to trust someone,
And leaving the scar while knowing that it will remain there,
No matter how much effort is wasted to erase it. 

And those people are there,
I was not sure at first,
But no, it's not my eyes, they are really there,
I found them there,
Both the naive and the hypocritical people.

It's when I look at myself in the mirror.

~Asa~

19 May 2011

Exam comes nearer. I haven't prepared myself at all. If it is a battlefield, well, yes it is, I will really die before I enter it. I have three papers in a row. Biology on 7th of June, Biotechnology on 8, and Chemistry, exactly in the next morning after Biotech, 9 June. And the last paper is Food Science on 15th June. I guess I still have time for the last paper (a lot of things to memorize though), therefore I should focus myself on the first three.

Well, I must really start now, or else I will really die this time. I don't want to fail again. Once is just too enough. I must get HDs for this semester. So far my internal marks are quite okay, except for Biotech. I need to study hard and fight for the final. I know I can do it yea. Anyway, as I read some chapters of the book, I started to like this subject. It's not bad at all actually =)

For Biology, not really a problem I think. Err, Chemistry... I don't understand some chapters on Organic Chemistry. I need to find someone who is willing to teach me. (But organic chemistry is all memorizing, no?) Well, if I really can't find a private tutor, then I guess I should memorize all things. Food Science is also memorizing the lecture notes, not really difficult but a lot of things to remember. Well. And Biotechnology is the problem, since my internal mark is undoubtedly very low. I am really scared =((

Okay, the key to solve this problem is to study hard and stop complaining. Listen, I will prove that I can do better this semester. Really. I was just too lazy last sem. I am not stupid, I am just not hardworking enough, well that's actually my major problem =(

No worries. I'll keep trying to improve it. Well, I gotta study now.

Jya ne. Ganbarimasu, minna :D

~Asa~ 

Self-control

I promise myself not to get angry easily. But for God's sake, I was already too patient these few months. This time I can no longer control my anger. I've been holding back the anger for too long, till I can't stand it anymore and I was losing my temper. I did look really mad that time. I wonder what my friends thought about me. Would they feel guilty? Or the other way around, would they think that I am the one who always gets mad easily?

If you were me, you would do the same thing. Maybe, you would refuse to meet and talk to them next time. But I tried to control myself, not going too far, not hurting their feelings. And really, it's really torturing, tried to keep other people's heart while your own heart's broken into pieces.

Well, it's a long story behind the "anger explosion". It will be too long if I write the whole story here. The point is, they never looked guilty when seeing my angry face. I want them to say sorry at least. They always keep me waiting. No matter whether it was on sunny-hot-burning day or on rainy-windy-stormy day. They are too selfish. They never think of my feeling or think of what circumstances I was in. Never. Even once. And the time I kept them waiting, I could see their unhappy expression clearly on their face. But hey, how many times you ask me to wait for you? Many times. And how long? For quite long. 15 minutes. Sometimes can be 30 minutes or more. And sometimes you can just cancel our plan as you like. It's unfair. I hate it everytime you did it. Seriously. I am not joking now. I am really REALLY ANGRY. And how many times you wait for me? Once? Twice? You kept "PING"-ing me using Blackberry Messanger. Did I ever do that to you? For pressing "PING" for 10 times? Never. I pressed it once or twice. And done. I waited for you in silence.

I know you're going to read this post.

Because everytime I posted about these friends, they would know and read. I did not share it to facebook, or twitter. But they just knew, dunno how. I know they rarely read my blog, but when it comes to the post about them, they will read it. I don't understand why. Was it only coincidence?

So, if you're reading this, no offense, I just want you to know how I feel towards you. How UNCOMFORTABLE I was and how uneasy I felt every time we're together. (It's not referring to only one person, but the whole group. And if you feel I talk bad about you, really sorry, I never mean to do that, I just can't stand it anymore I AM TOO ANGRY!)

It was just too enough. I really wanna quit.

~Asa~

Short post

It's too late to turn back
But it's too tiring to continue walking
It's too beautiful to keep on dreaming
But it's too hurtful to face the reality

Even if I could fly through the time
It would change nothing
Undone things remain undone
Broken things remain broken
The unfixed ones remain unfixed

I decide to keep on walking
Because the choice is no one else's but mine
But I surrender myself
Because the plan is His

I know, when I am in my weakness, He always sits beside me...
And becomes my strength.

~Asa~

Time's up

Here I am again, sitting in front of my desk, facing my laptop and starring at the monitor. I was just going back to Sunway this evening. I reached here around 7.30 pm. Going to Pyramid for dinner, I went back home at 11 something. I unpacked my things and did a lil bit cleaning. And yes, it's quite tiring.

Time flies. Of course. It indeed flies too fast. As I realize, the time's up and I need to go back to the reality. Reports. Assignments. Online Quizzes. And Exams. One week mid-sem break is never enough. I tried to spend my holiday wisely which means having a good rest after struggling a lot during "assignments time", but well, may be I was just not wise enough. I occupied myself with unimportant activities (maybe some called it healthy activities) like jogging and swimming, and the other stupid activities (these were all useless), like playing computer games, watching animes, eating, reading mangas and magazines, etc. So, even it's holiday, I was still having not enough sleep. I still have eye bag (FYI, my dark eye circles are really ugly, I look more like a zombie than human, seriously). Okay, my friend said I look like a girl who goes clubbing every night! HAHAHAHA XD (Why I sound happy? ==")

Okay. Talking about my holiday, although I didn't rest much, but I really had fun with some of my friends. Not many were still in hometown, but some of my closest friends studied not far from my hometown, so we still could meet and play. I went swimming and jogging with Adev and Sosot. Too bad Jagung could not join us (don't ask me about their names. I labeled them. There are long stories behind those names =D). One night before going back here, I went out with my old friend, a guy, which was maybe considered a date. Well, it was fun though. Dating was not bad at all (I act as if I never date before LOL XD). Okay. He is just a good friend of mine actually. So... it was not a date, okay?

We're going to my brothers' cafe. Having dinner there, while my brother, his girlfriend, my mom and my dad were there. They kept teasing us, except my dad. He's starring at us with a scary look, which made me kinda nervous ==" We should have gone to other place where my dad or my mom were not there I guess. Haha.

By the way, tomorrow is holiday. Should I do my chemistry report? I just started the aim and I was too lazy to continue it. What do you think, huh?

Maybe I should go for refreshing and watch a movie before the stressing week comes and Monash turns into a hell. What to do, my brain still refuses to work. No choice =P

~Asa~

I dunno what I should be called

They said the difference between stubborn and stupid is so thin that people could not even see where the difference is. It also made me wonder. Then, what should I be called? Am I stubborn? Am I stupid? Am I idiot?

No. I'd rather be called as persistent or hardworking. It's much better than being called as stubborn or obstinate. Or, do they really make any difference? I don't know. The words above are all synonyms. I just feel better to be called persistent. And make sure, you should not call me 'stupid', I won't like it.

Okay. Maybe you don't understand what I am talking about. I don't understand either. The point is kinda unrelated with what I am talking about above. Well, what I am trying to say is... I dunno how I should react after receiving those tragic rejections. Not only once, but many times, until I feel so tired, so sick and indeed too hurt. Yet, I am still trying. I thought of giving up. But I just can't. My brain refuses to surrender. I am too persistent I guess.

Again, I feel so tired to keep dreaming, but I just can't throw my biggest dream away. I know I can't be a writer. Maybe I don't have enough talent for it, I am just hopping too much. But still, I can't bury the dream since I know deep in my soul, the hope is still alive.

The publisher rejected my novel again. It's not the first time. It's the third time. My brother said, it's not my fault. It did not mean that I am not talented in writing, I just don't have enough connection with some important people who work inside the publishing office to have my script to be published. Then, I kept wondering, how about those writers whose scripts had been accepted and published by the publisher? Do they have a 'connection' as well?
I don't know.

Some said I am too stubborn for sending my novel to the biggest publisher in Indonesia since I am still a beginner. I should start from a very bottom first.

Well, maybe they're true. It's not I am too stubborn. I am just... such a coward. I kept thinking, the biggest publisher in Indonesia had rejected my script and I already felt so down and so depressed. If... I say if, the small publisher also rejects my novel, how should I react? Doesn't it mean I should really throw this dream away?

People said we won't know unless we try.

But I am too scared to try.

What a pity.

~Asa~

Time

NB: This is just a random emo post of mine. Just ignore it.

Starring at those pictures,
reminds me with those bitter-sweet memories
the past that has been faded away
as the time passed too fast
When I started to realize
I know I just can't turn back even if I really wish to
I know I just can't get it back even if I really hope so

Hiding a lie, faking a smile,
swallowing the pride and breaking the heart
Hopping for the unreal miracle to come
Wishing for something irreversible to be back
Was it what I really wonder to do?
No, I kept trying my best but I never succeeded
I was about giving up but I still could see the hope
I was crying, till no more tears left
Yet, it still seemed to be so far away

Sometimes I felt I was not giving enough
or maybe I was taking too much
Sometimes I felt the time is unlimited
so I lived someone else's life

Time... I understand that it's free
but it's priceless
I can't keep it, I only can spend it
However, once I've lost it, I know I can never get it back.
And when I can't turn back, I will regret everything in my entire life
Nope, I am not regretting about the things I've done in the past
But I am regretting about the things I haven't even done yet

Wasting the chances, and still wishing for another one
Although I know I was the thief of my own chances

Pathetic.


~Asa~

Tentang aku, kamu, dia dan mereka (lagi)

Jadi, aku mau bercerita tentang aku, kamu, dia dan mereka lagi. Maaf kalau aku sering menulis tentang ini, yang mungkin juga membuat kalian semua bosan sebosan-bosannya sampai-sampai kalian kepengin benar-benar berhenti membaca, menutup page ini dan merebahkan diri di kasur saking nggak menariknya. Tapi biarlah. Aku menulis karena aku kepengin. Aku menulis karena aku punya sesuatu yang nggak bisa kuungkapkan langsung, sesuatu yang juga adalah luapan perasaan yang hanya bisa kuungkapkan lewat tulisan. Selain itu, aku menulis post ini dengan bahasa Indonesia karena belakangan aku sadar kalau bahasa Indonesiaku benar-benar bagus dan mudah dimengerti =P

Oke, intinya, tentang kamu lagi. Tentang kamu dan dia. Dia yang selalu di sisimu, dia yang selalu bikin kamu lupa padaku, dia yang bikin kamu menjauh dari mereka dan dia yang bikin semuanya hancur berantakkan. Aku mau jujur padamu, aku nggak pernah membencinya, walau dia seenaknya saja masuk ke dalam kehidupanku dan kehidupanmu serta kehidupan mereka, dia yang memporak-porandakan kerja otakmu hingga kamu nggak lagi bisa berpikir jernih, dan membuatmu melupakan fakta kalau kamu masih punya aku dan mereka. Aku mencoba, keras sekali sampai aku kira aku nggak bisa mencoba lagi karena aku udah terlalu capek untuk itu. Aku selalu mencoba menerimanya di sisimu, mencoba menyukainya, mencoba menganggapnya sebagai bagian dari kamu dan mereka, karena memang sebentar lagi dia akan menjadi salah satu dari mereka. Tapi dia adalah dia dan mereka adalah mereka. Belakangan aku sadar kalau dia NGGAK AKAN pernah menjadi seperti mereka. Mungkin rasa sayangnya ke kamu melebihi rasa sayangku padamu, tapi percayalah, rasa sayangnya NGGAK lebih besar daripada rasa sayang MEREKA padamu. Karena itu aku mohon, apa pun yang terjadi di masa mendatang nanti, jangan pernah tinggalkan aku dan terutama, mereka.

Aku ingat jelas, sampai sekarang dan seterusnya aku nggak akan pernah melupakan kata-kata yang kamu ungkapkan padaku malam itu. Kamu bilang kalau aku dan mereka adalah segala-galanya buatmu. Yang lainnya urusan belakangan. Tapi akhir-akhir ini kamu bertingkah berlawanan dari kata-kata yang kamu ucapkan. Kamu merasa kalau DIA adalah segalanya buatmu sedangkan aku dan mereka hanyalah bagian terkecil yang kasatmata yang sering kamu lupakan dan sia-siakan ketika kamu sedang bersamanya. Aku nggak berani bertanya padamu, mana yang lebih penting, aku dan mereka atau dia?

Aku harap, kalau kamu masih punya hati dan matamu masih belum dibutakan oleh cinta yang belum dewasa, kamu bakal menjawab yang pertama.

Jujur, sekarang aku lebih suka kalau kamu nggak bersamanya. Karena saat kamu bersamanya, kamu menjelma menjadi a totally different person. Intinya, kamu berubah dari jenius jadi idiot. Well, seenggaknya begitu menurut pandanganku. Dengar, aku menghormati dan mengagumimu, tapi entah kenapa saat kamu bersamanya, aku kehilangan respek itu dan aku nggak lagi menganggapmu sebagai idolaku. Jangan salahkan mereka juga, kalau mereka merasakan hal yang sama denganku.

Kalau kamu merasa dia bisa memberikan kasih sayang yang selama ini kamu dambakan, datanglah padaku, atau datanglah pada mereka. Mereka bisa memberikan yang lebih buatmu. Aku mengerti kalau selama ini kamu merasa begitu kesepian dan kurang mendapatkan kasih sayang, tapi percayalah, aku dan mereka sungguh amat sangat menyayangimu, benar-benar nggak ingin kehilanganmu, dan satu orang lagi yang mencintaimu begitu dalamnya sampai orang itu rela mengorbankan nyawanya buatmu.

Jesus Christ.

Open your eyes and look around. Lihat sekelilingmu, karena kalau kamu hanya melihat pada satu titik saja, kamu nggak akan bisa menemukan apa yang kamu cari. Aku di sini, menawarkan kasih sayang itu padamu, demikian juga mereka. Jadi, kenapa kamu tega membuang aku dan mereka hanya demi dia? Dan aku mohon, lihat, dengar dan rasakan baik-baik. Apa dia orang yang selama ini kamu cari? Apa dia orang yang bisa memberikan kasih sayang yang tulus padamu? Apa dia cuman satu-satunya orang yang bisa mencintaimu sebegitu dalamnya?

Kamu harus sadar, kalau karena dia, perlahan-lahan kamu telah berbalik dan berjalan menjauh dari aku dan mereka. Kamu harus sadar kalau karena dia, kamu nggak lagi pernah menoleh ke belakang walau aku dan mereka berusaha memanggilmu sekeras yang kami bisa. Kamu harus tau kalau bukan hanya dia yang mencintaimu sampai sedalam itu. Aku dan mereka juga. Trust me.

Mungkin dia bisa mencintaimu, tapi sayang, dia nggak bisa mencintaiku juga dan mereka sebaik dia mencintaimu. Dia bisa tanpa segan-segan membenciku, melukai mereka dan membuatmu berpikiran buruk tentang aku dan mereka. Kalau hidupku, hidupmu, hidupnya dan hidup mereka adalah film layar lebar yang sedang diputar di bioskop, kamu menjadi protagonisnya, tapi aku bukan antagonisnya. Bukan juga mereka. Tapi dia-lah antagonisnya dan aku sama sekali nggak mendapat peran dalam film itu. Dia hanya ingin membuatmu melihatku dan mereka sebagai antagonisnya.

Follow your heart. I will be waiting for you right here.

Always here.

~Asa~

What a tiring day!

Hey, I was just coming back from school around 08:30 PM just now. And for your information, I had spent my time in Monash for more than 12 hours today, from 9 in the morning till 8.30 at night! WOW! I have full-scheduled classes every monday. 2 labs, 2 lectures and club activity as additional "torture". I felt so dizzy in my way back home. I was scared that I would faint on half way, but thanks God, I was fine and I am. However, I am not sure that I will be fine if I  go through these super busy activities everyday! Every monday is just too enough!

Well, I am just hopping that I won't be sick. I hate being sick.

By the way, I can't wait for the mid-sem break, since I will go back to Indonesia, to my hometown, on 22 April, 5 PM flight =D
I miss home. I miss my family, especially my mom and my sis =)

Okay, I should continue my reports and assignment now. Bye.

~Asa~

2 April 2011

WARNING: It's gonna be a long post and I write this in Indonesian because I just want to. I'd like to share with you guys, how great God is! How amazing He is!

Tanggal 2 April 2011 itu tanggal paling bersejarah dalam kehidupanku. Hari itu adalah hari dimana aku benar-benar bertobat, mengikut Tuhan dan menjadi seorang pribadi yang baru (atau biasa disebut juga lahir baru) dan berkomitmen menjadikan-Nya panutan dalam hidupku.

Encounter Retreat yang kuikuti selama 3 hari 2 malam di Peace Heaven, Genting, ternyata nggak berakhir sia-sia. Aku bahkan sulit percaya kalau sekarang aku ada di sini, menulis blog tentang kebangkitan rohani yang aku rasakan (yang benar-benar nggak biasa dalam hidupku) dan sungguh-sungguh berkomitmen untuk membuang diriku yang lama. Oh ya, kalau kalian merasa post ini membosankan, kalian boleh klik "close window" saat ini juga daripada ujung-ujungnya kalian mengataiku lebay atau sok beriman. Tapi sesungguhnya, kalau kalian punya waktu, aku ingin kalian baca ini. Aku ingin membagikan pengalamanku pada kalian semua supaya kalian tau kalau Tuhan itu BENAR-BENAR ADA!

Sejak kecil aku percaya kalau Tuhan itu ada. Tapi, just that's it. Aku jarang berdoa, aku malas ke gereja, apalagi buka alkitab (ditambah lagi latar belakang keluarga yang sebenarnya non-kristen). Aku hanya tau TUHAN itu ADA. Tapi aku nggak pernah mau merepotkan diriku untuk benar-benar mengikutiNya, mencoba untuk melayani-Nya dan segalanya. Aku sempat bertobat di retreat SMP dulu (tapi aku nggak yakin itu benar-benar bertobat, aku cuman bilang aku mau percaya padaNya. Dan hanya itu. Titik). Dan seminggu setelah retreat itu berakhir, aku kembali pada kebiasaan manusiawiku yang buruk dan hina. Aku selalu berpikiran negatif. Aku pemarah, aku supersensitive dan aku selalu merasa kalau aku nggak pernah diinginkan tanpa ada suatu alasan yang jelas. Aku juga pemberontak. Aku melawan perkataan orangtuaku, kadang membentak mereka (mungkin sering), dan yang paling parah, aku pernah melakukan percobaan bunuh diri waktu SMA dulu, dengan cara menyayat pergelangan tangan kiriku pakai gunting, tapi ujung-ujungnya nggak jadi karena rasanya super pedih. Butuh waktu lama untuk menghilangkan bekasnya (dan ini benar-benar dosa yang paling luar biasa!).

Lalu, setelah datang ke Malaysia. Aku benar-benar merasa kosong. Aku nggak pernah beribadah, nggak pernah berusaha mencari-Nya. Aku benar-benar merasa hampa. Sungguh. Aku rindu untuk memujiNya, merasakan kehadiranNya, aku rindu pada Tuhan. Jadi aku memutuskan untuk mencari gereja yang cocok untukku di sini. Aku sempat datang ke salah satu gereja karismatik di dekat condo tempat aku tinggal, tapi belakangan aku menyadari kalau aku nggak merasa nyaman berada di dalamnya. Selain itu, lokasinya lumayan jauh, aku juga nggak mau merepotkan temanku yang setiap saat harus mengantar-jemputku (dan ibadahnya malam hari pula, kalau nggak, aku pasti memutuskan untuk jalan, karena kemungkinan besar aku bisa sekalian menurunkan berat badan =P). 

Terakhir temanku mengajakku ke FGCC (Thanks to Ryan!), yang adalah gereja-nya orang Indonesia, karena semua jemaatnya orang Indonesia dan ibadah yang dijalankan berbasis bahasa Indonesia. Pertama kali menginjakkan kakiku di sana, aku yakin kalau di sanalah tempat seharusnya aku berada. Aku merasa nyaman, benar-benar nyaman--mungkin juga itu jenis kenyamanan yang belum pernah kurasakan sebelumnya seumur hidupku. Kerinduanku pada Tuhan akhirnya terbendung juga. Sejak saat itu juga, aku jadi sering beribadah ke gereja (jaraknya juga dekat dari condo, aku bisa jalan kaki, walau kadang aku merasa malas kalau cuacanya lagi nyebelin, alias super hot). Tapi karena begitu lamanya aku jauh dari Tuhan, aku ingin sekali kembali padaNya dan mendengarkan firman-Nya, juga bernyanyi untuknya.

Bulan desember aku kembali ke Indonesia. Ke Siantar. Aku sempat ke gereja di hometown ku beberapa kali, tapi aku nggak bisa menemukan kemana perginya semangat dan kecintaanku pada Tuhan, rasa itu lenyap begitu saja (itu mungkin karena kecintaanku pada Tuhan masih belum terbentuk cukup kuat). Kemudian, aku kehilangan jati diriku lagi. Aku kehilangan identitasku lagi. Aku nggak bisa merasakan Tuhan lagi. Aku buta lagi. Dan saat-saat paling down yang kualami, sewaktu aku menggagalkan Biologiku. Aku benar-benar nggak bisa menerima kenapa aku malah gagal di subjek yang kata orang "paling gampang" (tapi menurutku itu seriosuly hard, karena aku nggak begitu suka dan pintar dalam Biologi). Dan saat itu juga aku menangis meraung-raung mempertanyakan, sebenarnya dimana Tuhan itu. Apa Tuhan benar-benar ada? Apa Tuhan benar-benar mendengarkan doaku? Apa selama ini ibadahku sia-sia? Sekali lagi aku bertanya, apa Tuhan benar-benar ada? Kenapa? Kenapa dia nggak menjawab doaku? KENAPA? Apa Tuhan nggak sayang lagi padaku? Atau jangan-jangan TUHAN itu NGGAK pernah ada?

Saat itu juga, rasanya dadaku berderak keras sekali. Aku kesakitan. Aku merasakan kepahitan yang amat sangat. Kenapa Tuhan nggak ada di sisiku di saat-saat terburukku? Apa Tuhan memang nggak ada? Apa gunanya ibadahku selama ini? Dan saat itu juga, aku kepengin menghilang dari dunia ini. Aku malu. Aku sedih. Aku kesakitan. Aku ingin pergi, pergi sejauh-jauhnya ke tempat dimana semua orang nggak mengenalku. Apalagi ketika mendengar pertanyaan semacam, "How's your result?", rasanya aku kepengin mati saat itu juga (tapi aku juga takut mati), well, intinya, aku kepengen mengecil, lalu perlahan-lahan menghilang dan dilupakan semua orang di dunia ini--seakan aku nggak pernah ada dalam kehidupan mereka. Mungkin kalian berpikir, menggagalkan satu subjek itu bukan masalah besar. Tapi bagiku, itu benar-benar BESAR! It's HUGE! Itu artinya aku menghancurkan kebanggaan orangtuaku, menghancurkan high expectation mereka, mempermalukan diriku sendiri, dan aku semakin merasa tertolak lagi, kemudian aku juga terlarut dalam pikira-pikiran negatifku, kalau orangtuaku bakal benar-benar kecewa, mereka bakal membenciku dan sebagainya. Tapi nyatanya, mereka nggak memarahiku, karena mereka tau aku benar-benar tertekan karena kegagalan itu. Dan sesungguhnya, aku berharap mereka bisa MEMAKI-MAKIKU, supaya aku bisa menangis meraung dan berhenti merasa tertekan. Aku terus-menerus menyalahkan diriku sendiri waktu itu. Aku benci, benci sekali pada diriku sendiri. Aku ingin menghilang. Aku benar-benar kepengin menghilang. Banyak teman-temanku yang berusaha menghibur, dan aku kira dengan begitu aku bakal baik-baik aja. Tapi itu bohong, aku bilang aku udah pulih. Aku bilang aku udah nggak sedih. Tapi itu bohong. Aku sama sekali nggak bisa menerima kegagalanku sendiri. Aku NGGAK BISA. Aku nggak rela. Aku marah pada diriku sendiri, dan maaf, aku marah pada Tuhan (merasa kalau Dia nggak lagi menyayangiku), dan yang parahnya aku meragukan keberadaan TUHAN!

Aku mencoba memperbaiki segalanya. Aku tau pikiran-pikiran itu salah. Aku ingin mencari Tuhan lagi. Lalu aku kembali ke gereja, memastikan kalau Tuhan itu sesungguhnya ada. Dan entah gimana ceritanya, aku kenalan sama Ela, Ci Jack, Ci Kim dan terakhir Ci Va. Mereka mengajakku ikut komsel dan di sana aku mendapatkan banyak hal. Aku kembali percaya kalau Tuhan itu ada dan Dia nggak pernah meninggalkan kita. Hanya aja, aku yang suka "angin-anginan", mendekatkan diri kalau aku sedang butuh saja. Terakhir, mereka mengajakku ke ER. Aku menerima ajakan itu karena aku sendiri kepengin lebih dekat lagi dengan Tuhan.

Btw, sebelum ke ER, aku punya satu masalah dengan temanku (yang kukira udah kutuntaskan tapi nyatanya aku masih amat sangat sakit hati karenanya). Oke, aku nggak perlu cerita masalah apa itu, karena nantinya post ini bakal jadi panjang banget. Intinya, aku bilang aku memaafkannya, tapi nyatanya aku nggak bisa melepaskan rasa sakit dan rasa benci itu dari hatiku.

Singkatnya, aku menangis hampir di tiap sesi. Bukan karena kata-kata pengkhotbahnya yang menyentuh atau apa, tapi aku hanya nggak tau kenapa aku menangis. Saat one-to-one ministering, aku menyuarakan segala hal yang ada di hatiku ke Ci Va (dia yang bertugas menjadi Helper-ku =)), dan waktu itu juga aku sadar kalau selama ini aku salah, benar-benar salah telah meragukan keberadaan Tuhan. Gimana pun juga, Tuhan itu selalu ada di sisiku, hanya aja aku yang kurang peka untuk bisa merasakan kehadiranNya. Lalu, soal keinginan "menghilang atau mati" itu adalah dosa yang sangat besar. Aku udah minta ampun sama Tuhan sejak jauh-jauh hari dan aku dihimbau untuk jangan pernah berpikir untuk menghilang lagi, karena Tuhan menciptakanku sedemikian rupa dengan sukarnya, anakNya yang rela mati di kayu salib demi menebus dosa manusia, dan dengan semena-menanya aku ingin menyia-nyiakannya. Betapa hina dan biadabnya aku, kan?

Karena itu aku minta ampun pada Tuhan. Aku berdoa dan berdoa dan menangis lagi. Puncaknya sewaktu doa pelepasan. Ci Va menyuruhku mengeluarkan semua rasa sakit itu, perangi dan jangan menyisakan sedikit pun di dalam hatiku. Secuil pun nggak ada yang boleh melekat. Aku harus bisa mengeluarkan semuanya (Itu pertama kalinya juga aku menangis seheboh itu). Aku harus didoakan berkali-kali supaya hatiku bisa plong dan kebencian itu menguap keluar. Aku juga berkomitmen kalau aku pasti bisa memaafkan dan mengampuni. Sakit hati apapun itu, aku ingin kepahitan itu lenyap, dan berganti dengan perasaan mengasihi. Dan sungguh, itu benar-benar susah. Aku sesenggukkan lagi (waktu itu Ci Va memelukku dan membelai kepalaku, aku benar-benar merasa nyaman karenanya, aku menangis sejadi-jadinya, dan sekarang aku baru sadar kalau sepertinya jaketnya pasti basah gara-gara air mataku =P). Saat itu juga lah aku merasakan kalau Tuhan ikut berada di sebelahku, membelai kepalaku, dan memelukku dengan tangannya yang hangat. Ia menjamah hatiku, membuka mataku, melepaskan rantai kebencian, ketidakrelaan yang menjuntai melilit di hatiku. Dan saat itu juga aku bertobat (kali ini sungguh-sungguh) dan lahir baru.

Nggak ada lagi Lisa yang selalu merasa tertolak. Nggak ada lagi Lisa yang pemarah, super sensitif, berpikiran negatif dan melawan orang tua. Nggak ada lagi Lisa yang selalu punya perasaan ingin menghilang atau mati aja. Semua perasaan-perasaan itu udah keluar bersama dengan kebencian amat sangat yang bersarang di dalam hatiku. Nggak ada lagi iri hati, rasa marah dan kecewa. Semuanya udah mengalir pergi karena aku yakin ada Tuhan di sisiku.

Aku berkomitmen pada Tuhan kalau aku mau mengikutNya. Aku mau dipakai olehNya. Aku mau membuang semua kebiasaan-kebiasaan lamaku dan menjadi manusia yang baru. Aku ingin melayaniNya dan mencintaiNya lebih lagi.

Manusia itu nggak sempurna dan selalu mengecewakan. Tapi Tuhan, aku yakin Tuhan nggak akan pernah meninggalkanku. Dan kata Ci Va, pasti ada sesuatu di balik rencanaNya. Aku gagal dalam Biologiku, pasti ada maksud di balik rencananya itu, hanya aja aku belum bisa menemukan maksudnya sekarang. Mungkin suatu hari nanti. Dan aku datang mengikuti ER itu bukan cuman karena kebetulan. Tapi aku percaya, Tuhan yang memanggilku dan menjamah hatiku. Aku percaya Tuhan benar-benar menyayangiku dan Ia ingin aku merengkuhnya lebih dekat lagi. Ia ingin aku berhenti mengeraskan hatiku dan datang mengikutiNya. Dan hari itu juga, aku benar-benar merasa telah menjadi orang yang baru. Lihat aja wajahku, kalian bakal sadar kalau hari ini aku lebih berseri-seri dari biasanya =D

Thanks to Ci Va, Ci Kim, Ci Jack, Ela, Caroline dan untuk semua orang yang pernah masuk ke dalam kehidupanku. Aku percaya, aku bertemu dengan kalian, bukan cuman karena kebetulan. PASTI ada rencana Tuhan di baliknya. Dan aku sangat bersyukur untuk itu. Aku bersyukur untuk segala hal. Aku masih punya keluarga yang lengkap dan harmonis. Aku punya anggota tubuh yang utuh dan sehat (walau aku agak pendek, tapi Tuhan bakal tetap menyayangiku, kok =P). THANKS GOD! I WANT TO LOVE YOU MORE AND MORE, dan jangan biarkan api ini padam. Aku mau, aku mau ya, aku mau mengikut Tuhan.

(Oh ya, aku ingin sekali memberi kesaksian pada orang-orang banyak supaya mereka percaya Tuhan dan membuka hati mereka untuk dijamah oleh Tuhan. Mungkin mid-sem break nanti aku bakal ke sekolah lamaku dan minta ijin supaya aku bisa sharing pada yang lainnya).

Sharing kali ini berakhir sampai di sini. Aku nggak yakin ada yang membacanya sampai habis, but yea, I try my best to make the shortest summary so you won't be bored when you read this =)

Oh ya, let me share satu ayat alkitab favoritku dan yang membuat hatiku benar-benar merasa tenang ketika mendengarnya. Mungkin ayat ini udah terdengar umum banget, malah entah udah berpuluh-puluh kali kalian dengar. Tapi sungguh, aku juga udah mendengar ayat ini sepuluh kali lebih dan waktu itu barulah aku merasa ayat ini benar-benar menyentuh.

"Marilah kepada-Ku, semua yang letih lesu dan berbeban berat, Aku akan memberi kelegaan kepadamu. Pikullah kuk yang kupasang dan belajarlah pada-Ku, karena Aku lemah lembut dan rendah hati dan jiwamu akan mendapat ketenangan. Sebab kuk yang Kupasang itu enak dan beban-Ku pun ringan."

Matius 11:28-30

~Asa~