30 May 2011

It's almost the end of the month. Tomorrow is the last day of May. I've been starring at my Chemistry lecture notes and textbook, and doing some past papers for more than five days and yet, I haven't mastered all the topics. I feel so useless. Organic part is my weakness.

Actually I could concentrate better these few days, before the time I saw him again. He's kind of disruption in my mind. I'm not saying that I like him, I am just... well, he gives me good impressions for almost all the time. It can be said also, he always knows the way to impress me. But as I think about it, I am not the kind of girl that can attract guys. I am not beautiful, not a lady-like type. I am not smart either, I am never being too fashionable. I am not charming. I can mesmerize no one. Yea so... You get what I mean right? I'm sure, he's not even looking at me.

Okay, give me chance to emphasize what I mean. I don't like him. I am not in love. And... to be honest. I don't want to fall for someone who doesn't like me first. Well. It may sound selfish. Yea, I am selfish. But I don't want to have one-sided love again. It's too painful and too stupid. Once is enough. It was not merely a broken heart. It was... more than that. That's why I said I am not in love and I don't want to be in love, since the feeling is really torturing. So yea... I am trying so hard to get him out of my mind, even if he refuses to leave. 

Great, now stop discussing about him.

Talking about other thing, I feel that my relationship with God is getting stronger. I try involving him in every single thing I do. I know He's always with me, brightening my way with His grace, sacrificing His life to save me, I feel so blessed. I love Him more and more. I can find such a peace from no one else except Him. Like the song, "There is none like You. No one else can touch my heart like You do..." =)

I want to be closer and much closer again to Him. I love God. He's the best thing in my life. I feel so blessed that I know Him as the savior of mine.

And I believe His plan is better than my own plan. I surrender everything.

~Asa~

Feel so down

I feel so down recently. Exam comes nearer, but I just can't devote the whole part of my brain to focus on my lecture notes. I keep thinking of useless things, and they are quite successful to distract my mind from my responsibility to study. I am totally in a mess these few days.

Well. It might be self-esteem problem. Honestly, I've never been this way before. For no reason, I feel that I am so imperfect. I know no one is perfect in this world. But still, I feel both my appearance and my personality are beyond what-so-called-perfect. I am not beautiful. I am not a lady-like. I am so childish all the time. I am too immature and too naive. I am not smart. And I am not smart. And I am not smart. Okay, I am not smart. Yeah, why am I not smart?

How I hope I could be smarter. And more hardworking of course, since I know it's really my major problem. I am not sure whether to procrastinate is my main expertise, or it's true that reports, assignments and other activities are the ones which always delay me from study (okay, now I try to find excuses). As I realize, I don't have enough time to study 3 subjects only in 2 weeks. It makes my confidence level drop tremendously. I am scared of failure. Again. The feeling is so strong that I can't even get away from it.

Another thing is... a guy. I am so clueless why I keep thinking of him. Seriously. I am not in love okay? I am not. But I just don't have any idea why he keeps appearing in my brain. He is really occupying my mind for the whole day until I feel like throwing my brain away and changing it with a new one. I hope he can get out of my mind very soon because if he's still there, I will really be insane. So please, I beg you. Get out of my mind. I should not have met you yesterday =(

I need help, literally. God, save me.

I will try to focus on the first subject of my exam. Hence, I will study hard for the other two. I arrange my study time accordingly to the exam time table. If I do not follow the arrangement, the thing that I fear the most will happen. 

Even a second is very precious for me now.

God, bless me.

~Asa~

Two sides

Some people are just too naive.
Only looking at the present,
Forgetting about the past,
and hopping a miracle to come in the future.

Yea, some people are just too naive,
Believing each other after being hurt,
Smiling as if everything is their first time,
Admiring the rainbow after cursing the rain,
And loving again after experiencing the pain.

But some people are too hypocritical,
Faking a smile behind the tears,
Pretending to love but still holding the grudge,
Retaining hatred with unusual kindness,
Just like an angel in disguise. 

Well really, some people are just too hypocritical,
Hurting others while knowing how painful it is to be hurt,
Betraying others while understanding how hard it is to trust someone,
And leaving the scar while knowing that it will remain there,
No matter how much effort is wasted to erase it. 

And those people are there,
I was not sure at first,
But no, it's not my eyes, they are really there,
I found them there,
Both the naive and the hypocritical people.

It's when I look at myself in the mirror.

~Asa~

19 May 2011

Exam comes nearer. I haven't prepared myself at all. If it is a battlefield, well, yes it is, I will really die before I enter it. I have three papers in a row. Biology on 7th of June, Biotechnology on 8, and Chemistry, exactly in the next morning after Biotech, 9 June. And the last paper is Food Science on 15th June. I guess I still have time for the last paper (a lot of things to memorize though), therefore I should focus myself on the first three.

Well, I must really start now, or else I will really die this time. I don't want to fail again. Once is just too enough. I must get HDs for this semester. So far my internal marks are quite okay, except for Biotech. I need to study hard and fight for the final. I know I can do it yea. Anyway, as I read some chapters of the book, I started to like this subject. It's not bad at all actually =)

For Biology, not really a problem I think. Err, Chemistry... I don't understand some chapters on Organic Chemistry. I need to find someone who is willing to teach me. (But organic chemistry is all memorizing, no?) Well, if I really can't find a private tutor, then I guess I should memorize all things. Food Science is also memorizing the lecture notes, not really difficult but a lot of things to remember. Well. And Biotechnology is the problem, since my internal mark is undoubtedly very low. I am really scared =((

Okay, the key to solve this problem is to study hard and stop complaining. Listen, I will prove that I can do better this semester. Really. I was just too lazy last sem. I am not stupid, I am just not hardworking enough, well that's actually my major problem =(

No worries. I'll keep trying to improve it. Well, I gotta study now.

Jya ne. Ganbarimasu, minna :D

~Asa~ 

Self-control

I promise myself not to get angry easily. But for God's sake, I was already too patient these few months. This time I can no longer control my anger. I've been holding back the anger for too long, till I can't stand it anymore and I was losing my temper. I did look really mad that time. I wonder what my friends thought about me. Would they feel guilty? Or the other way around, would they think that I am the one who always gets mad easily?

If you were me, you would do the same thing. Maybe, you would refuse to meet and talk to them next time. But I tried to control myself, not going too far, not hurting their feelings. And really, it's really torturing, tried to keep other people's heart while your own heart's broken into pieces.

Well, it's a long story behind the "anger explosion". It will be too long if I write the whole story here. The point is, they never looked guilty when seeing my angry face. I want them to say sorry at least. They always keep me waiting. No matter whether it was on sunny-hot-burning day or on rainy-windy-stormy day. They are too selfish. They never think of my feeling or think of what circumstances I was in. Never. Even once. And the time I kept them waiting, I could see their unhappy expression clearly on their face. But hey, how many times you ask me to wait for you? Many times. And how long? For quite long. 15 minutes. Sometimes can be 30 minutes or more. And sometimes you can just cancel our plan as you like. It's unfair. I hate it everytime you did it. Seriously. I am not joking now. I am really REALLY ANGRY. And how many times you wait for me? Once? Twice? You kept "PING"-ing me using Blackberry Messanger. Did I ever do that to you? For pressing "PING" for 10 times? Never. I pressed it once or twice. And done. I waited for you in silence.

I know you're going to read this post.

Because everytime I posted about these friends, they would know and read. I did not share it to facebook, or twitter. But they just knew, dunno how. I know they rarely read my blog, but when it comes to the post about them, they will read it. I don't understand why. Was it only coincidence?

So, if you're reading this, no offense, I just want you to know how I feel towards you. How UNCOMFORTABLE I was and how uneasy I felt every time we're together. (It's not referring to only one person, but the whole group. And if you feel I talk bad about you, really sorry, I never mean to do that, I just can't stand it anymore I AM TOO ANGRY!)

It was just too enough. I really wanna quit.

~Asa~

Short post

It's too late to turn back
But it's too tiring to continue walking
It's too beautiful to keep on dreaming
But it's too hurtful to face the reality

Even if I could fly through the time
It would change nothing
Undone things remain undone
Broken things remain broken
The unfixed ones remain unfixed

I decide to keep on walking
Because the choice is no one else's but mine
But I surrender myself
Because the plan is His

I know, when I am in my weakness, He always sits beside me...
And becomes my strength.

~Asa~

Time's up

Here I am again, sitting in front of my desk, facing my laptop and starring at the monitor. I was just going back to Sunway this evening. I reached here around 7.30 pm. Going to Pyramid for dinner, I went back home at 11 something. I unpacked my things and did a lil bit cleaning. And yes, it's quite tiring.

Time flies. Of course. It indeed flies too fast. As I realize, the time's up and I need to go back to the reality. Reports. Assignments. Online Quizzes. And Exams. One week mid-sem break is never enough. I tried to spend my holiday wisely which means having a good rest after struggling a lot during "assignments time", but well, may be I was just not wise enough. I occupied myself with unimportant activities (maybe some called it healthy activities) like jogging and swimming, and the other stupid activities (these were all useless), like playing computer games, watching animes, eating, reading mangas and magazines, etc. So, even it's holiday, I was still having not enough sleep. I still have eye bag (FYI, my dark eye circles are really ugly, I look more like a zombie than human, seriously). Okay, my friend said I look like a girl who goes clubbing every night! HAHAHAHA XD (Why I sound happy? ==")

Okay. Talking about my holiday, although I didn't rest much, but I really had fun with some of my friends. Not many were still in hometown, but some of my closest friends studied not far from my hometown, so we still could meet and play. I went swimming and jogging with Adev and Sosot. Too bad Jagung could not join us (don't ask me about their names. I labeled them. There are long stories behind those names =D). One night before going back here, I went out with my old friend, a guy, which was maybe considered a date. Well, it was fun though. Dating was not bad at all (I act as if I never date before LOL XD). Okay. He is just a good friend of mine actually. So... it was not a date, okay?

We're going to my brothers' cafe. Having dinner there, while my brother, his girlfriend, my mom and my dad were there. They kept teasing us, except my dad. He's starring at us with a scary look, which made me kinda nervous ==" We should have gone to other place where my dad or my mom were not there I guess. Haha.

By the way, tomorrow is holiday. Should I do my chemistry report? I just started the aim and I was too lazy to continue it. What do you think, huh?

Maybe I should go for refreshing and watch a movie before the stressing week comes and Monash turns into a hell. What to do, my brain still refuses to work. No choice =P

~Asa~