I dunno what I should be called

They said the difference between stubborn and stupid is so thin that people could not even see where the difference is. It also made me wonder. Then, what should I be called? Am I stubborn? Am I stupid? Am I idiot?

No. I'd rather be called as persistent or hardworking. It's much better than being called as stubborn or obstinate. Or, do they really make any difference? I don't know. The words above are all synonyms. I just feel better to be called persistent. And make sure, you should not call me 'stupid', I won't like it.

Okay. Maybe you don't understand what I am talking about. I don't understand either. The point is kinda unrelated with what I am talking about above. Well, what I am trying to say is... I dunno how I should react after receiving those tragic rejections. Not only once, but many times, until I feel so tired, so sick and indeed too hurt. Yet, I am still trying. I thought of giving up. But I just can't. My brain refuses to surrender. I am too persistent I guess.

Again, I feel so tired to keep dreaming, but I just can't throw my biggest dream away. I know I can't be a writer. Maybe I don't have enough talent for it, I am just hopping too much. But still, I can't bury the dream since I know deep in my soul, the hope is still alive.

The publisher rejected my novel again. It's not the first time. It's the third time. My brother said, it's not my fault. It did not mean that I am not talented in writing, I just don't have enough connection with some important people who work inside the publishing office to have my script to be published. Then, I kept wondering, how about those writers whose scripts had been accepted and published by the publisher? Do they have a 'connection' as well?
I don't know.

Some said I am too stubborn for sending my novel to the biggest publisher in Indonesia since I am still a beginner. I should start from a very bottom first.

Well, maybe they're true. It's not I am too stubborn. I am just... such a coward. I kept thinking, the biggest publisher in Indonesia had rejected my script and I already felt so down and so depressed. If... I say if, the small publisher also rejects my novel, how should I react? Doesn't it mean I should really throw this dream away?

People said we won't know unless we try.

But I am too scared to try.

What a pity.

~Asa~