Depression

So, tonight is the peak of every horror that I have been holding back in these 2 semesters. I know I am not good  enough to score really well like other geniuses did for every subject. But I keep trying my best (everybody does I think) and still, I never get what I really want. I never expect, that today I cry a lot because of this academic problem (I never cried over my grade during high school, since I never failed any subject and I scored very well without studying too hard). But I guess, high school and university are totally two different things.

So yea, I recalculated my internal mark for biotech. I found myself falling down into the deepest despair after knowing what I got. I tried to persuade myself that everything's gonna be okay, but my tears kept falling down. I was sobbing uncontrollably until my eyes turned swollen and my throat was choked. I am scared, literally. I was trying not to worry so much about the past and moving on to study for my last exam, but I just could not. My tears refused to stop streaming down my face. I was totally depressed. I was indeed stressful, I am and I will be until I finish the last exam.

Honestly, I am thinking of giving up now. Because... everything seems to be really tough. Sometimes I question myself, why should I go through such a condition? I am too pampered I guess, I can't stand staying far from home, I miss my family all the time and doing everything alone feels to be so lonely. I know I should be more independent. 

And  I questioned God, why He had to be so unfair to me? Was it a punishment? Or was it a kind of exam to test my faith? I began to accept it since I know I was not hardworking enough last semester. However, for this semester... Hey, I've been trying extremely hard. Won't it be really unfair if I do not succeed? Won't it? I have never been trying so hard before, until I felt truly exhausted and almost fell sick just to study one subject! Was it still not enough? I am not aiming for High Distinction. I am just aiming for Credit, not more. But now I am scared that I can't even pass the subject. I am not asking more, God, but just let me get what I deserve.

The more I think about it, the more stressful I am and the more tears will fall down as well. Sometimes yea, I'm indeed thinking of giving up. However, I realize I have been choosing this path and I should be responsible on the choice I've made. Therefore, again, I told myself, no matter how hard it will be, I will keep trying. No matter how many times I fall down, I will certainly get up and continue to walk because I believe that actually I have the ability. I can score well if I want, it's just maybe the matter of... luck? (well, now I am trying to cheer up myself).

By the way, I feel much better after crying. I am just... too tensed. I am gonna be alright after the exams. But... I am not sure whether or not I have the courage to see the result.

PS: Thanks for your concern, friends =)

~Asa~