.....................

 I don't know why I am crying now.

I just want to cry, cry and cry.

Because it's damn painful...

inside here.

God, save me.

~Asa~

Seminar

I saw him again at a health seminar just now. He asked a question about "Body Building" and "Fitness", he mentioned his name and I was happy because my investigation was not wrong. From the very beginning, I knew his name already, but I was not sure. But today, he mentioned his name himself. So, I was not stalking the wrong person on facebook =P

Same religion. Same nationality. Same language. Same university, but different year and different major. Maybe, he's a second year student? Or third year? I am not sure. But at least, I know another thing about him. He's really a hardworking person.

私は再び彼に会いたいと思う.

彼はハンサムだ, 彼の笑顔が素晴らしいです.

多分私は彼が好きだ. みんな, これは秘密です. Ok? =P

Well, I should continue my lab report. See ya =)


~Asa~

No title

I was trembling. It's not cold, but I kept shivering. I could feel my heartbeats, throbbing twice as stronger and louder as usual.

My hands could not stop shaking. I could not even see anything clearly and could not even walk properly. I stared at my palms for few minutes, as if my hands would stop shaking if I did it, but it's useless. I tried harder and harder, not to let myself drift in my own sorrow. I had to fight the fear and find the answer.

I was trembling for more than half an hour, then I realize, should I have been such a coward, for keeping this pain alone without knowing the answer, without understanding even a single thing? Was I satisfied by just keeping my mouth shut closely, pretending that nothing ever happened and living in such a disguise?

I had to know the answer. I had to gather my courage and fight for my right and my feeling. Therefore, I could free myself from the pain. The pain which has been torturing me for these two weeks. Knowing the truth might be truly hurtful, but it's way better than supporting the hypocrisy. I felt sick to fake a smile.

Finally I stopped trembling. Thanks God. Yet, I have not succeeded, but at least I felt relieved. The burden was eventually gone. Not all, but I know slowly everything can be settled well.

However, at last, I am alone again. I know, I just have someone whom I can depend on.

God.

Only Him. No one else can touch my heart like He does.

But here, inside my heart, I really wish that I could find the ones who can be my true friends.

Well, if they do really exist.

~Asa~

I don't care anymore

It's so hard to let go, isn't it? Once, it felt so painful when you loved someone for years but he did not even know your feeling and yes, now he's taken. But I realize, it doesn't really matter now. Life goes on. I live in my life and he lives in his own life. I have a big dream and LUCKILY, he is not in that dream. NOT ANYMORE.

I have to continue my life without looking back to the past. He was only the smallest part of past. Besides, the ones who only look at the past, will certain miss the future, right? I don't want to miss every single thing in my future just because of that stupid reason.

I am ready to love again, and to be loved of course.

Bye bye, 

For the one I ever loved, my first love but certainly not my last =)
(How could I know he won't be my last? Well, I just know XD)

(I'm supposed to hide this post but I am too lazy to do it).

~Asa~

It's not as boring as I thought

Dear readers, I just finished my labs and my classes for today. Proudly I inform you that I survive until now. I ate once only today. I was starving, yes, and I was exhausted. But I guess, I begin to enjoy this busy activities a lil bit more. The labs were not as boring as I thought. I get used to all these activities I guess.

It's not bad. Well.

I received the results of my lab reports. They're not bad though, but I should have been more careful while doing the report and I should have double checked it. I kept doing stupid mistakes. The mistakes that should not be done. For example, if you really wanna know, is my reference. I did not arrange it alphabetically. Very clever, right?

By the way, my church organized a big activity called ER (Sorry, I forgot what ER stands for, I think it's Encounter Retreat? It should be En... something Retreat), it's a 3-day-2-night trip to Genting. It costs around RM 150 for the lodging and food... I guess? Well, I should ask them properly. I am interested in joining the trip. But I am scared my Mom will not allow me. Moreover, I need to rush my assignments so I can go there and enjoy the activities without any burden.The trip is on 1-3 April. I really wanna go there. What do you think?

Oh yeah, good news for me, but I dunno whether it's a good news for you or vice versa. I met him again. The guy. For the seventh time.

Glad to see him again. I am looking forward to the next meeting =D

Jya ne

~Asa~

Super Junior Show 3 in Malaysia

Hi! I'd like to share my great experience with you guys. Last night was my first time watching Super Junior's concert in Stadium Putra  at Bukit Jalil, Malaysia. There were thousands of fans looking forward to this show. Even for the tickets, my friends had to queue for 4-5 hours 2 weeks ago, before they had been sold out, of course. But actually the hall was not really full, there were some empty places (no one sat beside me, that's why I could put my bag at that empty seat, I was considered lucky =P).
We bought the VIP ticket. It was quite expensive though. RM 486 for 3-hour concert, but I just think that the money was worth it. Super Junior is a very well-known boyband which has debuted since years ago. And the concert was superb! Super Junior was super cool, super awesome, impressive, spectacular, fabulous and... geez, I can't find any vocabulary that suits it. The conclusion is: I never feel regret for spending so much money to watch the show. (FYI, I have been so crazy about Choi Si Won, one of the personnels since long time ago, to be able to watch him in front of my eyes is one of my dreams and finally it came true!)

I used to only stare at their pictures or watch them from the video, but last night, I could see them directly, standing not far from me, singing and dancing awesomely, plus they succeeded to impress all their fans. They were all so handsome, especially my Si Won. He is mesmerizing. He is stunning. He is... perfect! I kept wondering the whole time, is he really a human? or he's an angel sent by God to impress me so deeply? I was... speechless, literally.

Well, I screamed a lot last night, until my voice's gone, so did Felita and Cecilia. I felt like a crazy fanatic fan, jumping randomly, singing along with my idol and swinging my light stick everywhere excitedly. I didn't care. I wouldn't care. All fans also did the same thing. No worries. You may think I am obsessed or I am insane. You will never know how it feels unless you find someone whom you can idolize. So don't simply judge people or say bad thing about my idol. You won't like it if I talk bad about the ones you like, right?

Okay. You must get what I mean. Here I post the pics of last night's show.

 Hee Chul's banner. Btw, I love Hee Chul too, after Si Won of course. LOL XD

 I dunno what the words mean. So don't ask me how to read it =="

 In front of Stadium Putra =D

 Felita (KyuHyun's big fan) and Lisa (Si Won's crazy fan) XD

 Taking picture with Super Junior's big banner. So sad that Han Kyung won't be in the group anymore. Kang In had to fulfill his duty on military =(

The blue sapphire light represented Super Junior.

 The opening song "Sorry sorry" =D

 I love the drummer! Kim Hee Chul! =D

 

They were super cute >.<

 Kyu Hyun looked perfect =D

Ye Sung! I love him when he sang "It has to be you"

Henry's singing Bieber's Song.

 MY CHOI SI WON!!!! KYAAAAAA.... OPPPPPAAAAAA, SARANGHAEEEEE >.<

Henry =D

Kyu Hyun >.<

I just kept wondering why those korean guys looked so perfect. Was it the plastic surgery effect? All of them? No. Si Won is handsome without going under any plastic surgery. Some of them may be. Or was it because of the lightning, or the stage?  Have you heard about it, that people on stage usually look more stunning? LOL XD

Whatever. I don't care anymore. The most important: I was really satisfied with the concert. I was not regretting at all. You might say it's kinda wasting money, because I think like that too at first, but after watching the concert, I felt so... happy. I want to watch the concert again next time, if I have chance and money, of course. By the way, it seemed 3-hour concert was the way too short. I felt so sad when it went to their last performance. I wanted more. I still wanna see my Choi Si Won. I only have few of his pictures, due to my limited blackberry camera's ability, plus Felita's camera which ran out of battery in the middle of the show unexpectedly =(

In short, the concert was really wonderful (I never feel tired to repeat this sentence!). What an epic!

I hope I can watch SuShow 4 next year =D

~Asa~

24 hours? Not enough!

Hey, sorry for not updating this blog so often. It is due to my lab reports, essays and online quizzes. So if I am being so out of date, you should blame them. Not me, ok?

I have been performing such an unhealthy lifestyle since I don't know when. May be since my second week in Monash, exactly when the lab activities started. I feel like living in hell, well, maybe hell is so much better than here. I know I should not be so stressful, I am not actually, I am just not feeling comfortable, haunted by so many assignments. The first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning is my lab report. Then the first thing I remember when I just come back from school is my assignment. Not even a single day, I live without thinking of my lab reports. They are "zombifying" me.

So, what kind of lifestyle is it? Don't u feel curious? Please say yes, so at least I would feel slightly happy since I know some of you still care about me. Well, I eat twice or only once a day with irregular lunch and dinner time. Sometimes I don't have my breakfast and eat at 11.30 (is it called brunch?), and sometimes I have my breakfast, but I skip my lunch, like what usually happens on monday and thursday. Then I will have an early dinner at 4 or 5 (well, should I call it early dinner or late lunch?). I don't know. It's kinda complicated. And mostly I skip dinner because I am so busy doing my lab reports. Imagine you have 3 lab reports per week, plus special assignments like essays and you need to do the online quizzes before they are expired. Moreover, I only sleep like 7 or 6 hours per day. Maybe, you think it's normal, but for me it's indeed abnormal. I should sleep minimal 9 hours to reduce my dark eye circles. Look at me, I do more look like a Panda or Zombie than a human being.

I am busy on managing the club activity also, since I am the secretary for Animanga club in Monash. I need to do the report and submit it to the C&S people (I don't even know how to write the report, good thing I have some committees who are smart and patient enough to be my tutor). I don't know who chose me during the AGM last semester, I just know that now they're gonna regret it for choosing me as a secretary because I really don't have any idea on how the C&S thingy works.

Well, I am sorry for the non-stop complaints. I realize that I always complain in every post. So sorry. Really. But what you expect? You want me to shout out loud and say, "OH YEAH, I LOVE ASSIGNMENTS, I LOVE MONASH, I LOVE MY LIFE!"
Geez, I don't even have mood to lie.

Okay, I am gonna continue my assignments. See ya.

~Asa~

Coincidence?

I am too happy today. Well, I am always happy when it comes to sunday, I don't really understand why. I feel happy everytime I enter the church. I love church. I love the songs. I love God.

I have been feeling so comfortable since I found this church (Thanks to my friend who brought me there, I feel so grateful I've finally found the place where I am supposed to be). I get closer with God, I can feel it obviously.

Well, I decided to join the "change" class. I don't really understand what that class for, I just know that joining the class means you try to get a bit more closer to God. So yea, why don't I try it? I just wanna find someone who can be always with me when I am even in the worst condition, I wanna find someone who always listens to my problem and finds me the solution (although I know I should fight for myself too), I wanna have someone whom I can depend on, and I know that "someone" is God. I wanna be more closer to Him. Really.


Well, sorry for changing the topic so sudden. But I can't bear to tell you this thing. I saw him again, this time was at church just now. That guy. The guy whom I kept writing about in my blog, several times I guess, since last semester. A big-tall guy with sharp nose and the smile--kind of smile that I like.

I was astonished at the time I saw him sitting behind, not really far from me, smiling to the guy beside  him. I felt like, "Is it my eyes or... OMG, yes, it is him! It is him again!"

... Well...

Same country and same religion.

How I hope it was not just a coincidence.

~Asa~

=(

Jangan kira aku nggak berusaha.

Jangan kira aku nggak sedih.

Jangan kira aku nggak pernah peduli.

Jangan kira aku sebodoh itu. Aku bahkan baru sadar kalau aku nggak sebodoh yang aku kira. Aku hanya merasa bodoh, dan gara-gara itu aku jadi benar-benar bodoh. Sebenarnya, aku nggak bodoh kok =) (Okay, kebodohan yang paling bodoh untuk sekarang ini, aku nggak ngerti kebodohan bodoh macam apa yang sedang kutulis).

Lupakan. Jangan baca lagi. Tapi aku mau terus menulis. Jadi kalau kalian merasa ini cengeng, atau blog ini isinya curhat melulu, silahkan tutup page ini. Atau lebih baik juga nggak ada seorang pun yang baca, karena sebenarnya aku nggak ingin ada yang baca, dan anehnya aku tetap menulis tanpa henti. Biarlah. Kalau ada yang baca, atau kalau ada orang yang tanpa sengaja terbaca, mereka juga bakal lupa dengan apa yang aku tulis sedetik setelah mereka menutup page ini.

Kadang aku bisa berpikir panjang, kelewat panjang malah, sampai aku heran kenapa aku bisa berpikir sepanjang itu. Isi kepalaku luar biasa banyaknya sampai kadang aku nggak tau yang mana yang harus kukeluarkan, atau yang mana yang nggak perlu kukeluarkan sama sekali. Jadi, setidaknya lewat tulisan, aku merasa lebih lega. He-eh. Sedikit, walau sekarang ini aku sendiri nggak ngerti apa yang sedang kutulis. Dan kalau aku lanjut menulis ini, orang yang membacanya bakal semakin nggak ngerti lagi. Biarlah. Intinya kita sama-sama nggak ngerti =D

Nah, kembali ke topik, yang sebenarnya nggak ada kaitannya dengan paragraf di atas.

Jadi, jangan kira aku nggak pernah berpikir tentang apa yang bakal kukerjakan di masa depan nanti.

Jangan kira aku ini cuman anak manja yang selalu menghabiskan harta orangtua tanpa berpikir dua kali.

Jangan kira aku ini cuman anak bodoh yang sama sekali nggak tau apa yang dia lakukan sekarang dan mengganggap segala sesuatunya gampang.

So please, don't judge me if you don't even know anything about me. No one understands me, because sometimes I can't understand myself. And don't pretend to, because I know you won't.

~Asa~

Untitled again

Hey, I met him again.

Two days ago was the sixth time I saw him.

That guy.

I am looking forward to the seventh time =)

~Asa~

What should I do?

Ada yang ingin aku tanyakan. Bagaimana rasanya kalau kamu ingin sekali memercayai seseorang, tapi orang itu terus membohongi kamu, talk badly about you behind your back, menusukmu dari belakang bahkan tanpa kamu sadari, bersikap ramah di depanmu padahal sebenarnya dia benci setengah mati padamu? Bagaimana rasanya kalau kamu merasa kamu sudah berhasil mendekati seseorang yang sejak dulu ingin kamu kenali lebih dekat, tapi ternyata dugaan kamu salah. Kenyataannya, dia nggak pernah menyukai kamu. She/He just pretends to. Dan sakitnya, dia selalu mengeluh tentangmu pada teman-temannya yang lain siang dan malam. Menyenangkan nggak ya rasa seperti itu?

Kalau ada yang bilang rasanya menyenangkan, mungkin orang itu mengidap penyakit aneh yang merasa bahagia tiap kali dilukai. Ada lho, orang seperti itu. Entah apa nama penyakitnya, untuk sekarang ini aku nggak bisa memikirkannya. Berpikir jernih pun agak susah.

Mungkin benar apa kata teman-temanku kalau aku ini orang yang super sensitive. Masalah apapun, pasti selalu kepikiran. Contohnya tadi di lab kimia aku susah sekali konsentrasi. Aku sering terbengong-bengong sementara partner labku sudah sibuk mengerjakan eksperimen. Di saat-saat seperti itu aku merasa kalau aku... benar-benar bodoh.

Jadi, menurut kalian aku harus gimana? Aku memaafkannya? Membiarkannya terus dan terus melukaiku? Berhenti mengungkit dan memutar kembali semua perbuatannya yang membuatku sakit setengah mati? Melupakan semuanya begitu saja dan tertawa bersamanya seakan nggak pernah ada yang terjadi? Seakan aku nggak tau apa yang dia katakan di belakangku? Seakan aku nggak pernah tau kalau sebenarnya dia hanya pura-pura menyukaiku, merindukanku dan memperdulikanku? Begitu?

Aku merasa benar-benar bodoh. Tapi itu yang kulakukan. Aku takut memberitaunya perasaanku. Aku takut menegurnya langsung atau setidaknya membicarakan semuanya baik-baik. Yang bisa kulakukan hanyalah pura-pura nggak pernah mendengar kata-kata sarkastik itu. Pura-pura nggak pernah merasa dilukai. Aku membohonginya, dan aku menyangkal diriku sendiri. Jadi intinya...

Bukannya aku sama saja dengannya?

~Asa~

I've Found It.

Finally I've found the dream that I am willing to die for instead of being a writer. Maybe I knew it for long time ago, before I entered Monash, but I just did not really appreciate it. I want to be a Food Scientist. I damn like FST 1800 lecture. I feel so enthusiastic every time I attend the lecture. No doubt. I like this subject. After watching the videos, I was being motivated to learn more about food. I realize that being Food Scientist is totally my dream now, since I know I can't be a writer.

I will work hard I swear. I will be more diligent this semester. I will prove to my parents that they are not stupid for being so proud of me.

I know where my future is. In 5 years, I won't be here anymore. I won't be in Indonesia. Five years later, I will spend my life in Japan, work there and bring my parents there (if they don't want to stay there, I just bring them for vacation. Japan is the most awesome country I have ever been).

I promise. I will prove my dream no matter how hard it will be.

~Asa~

Beautiful Poem

I feared being alone until I learned to like myself.

I feared failure until I realized that I only fail when I don't try.

I feared success until I realized that I had to try in order to be happy with myself. 

I feared people's opinions until I learned that people would have opinions about me anyway.

I feared rejection until I learned to have faith in myself.

I feared pain until I learned that it's necessary for my growth.

I feared the truth until I saw the ugliness in lies.

I feared life until I experienced its beauty.

I feared death until I realized that it's not an end, but a beginning.

I feared my destiny, until I realized that I had power to change my life.

i feared hate until I saw that it was nothing more than ignorance.

I feared love until it touched my heart, making the darkness fade into endless sunny days.

I feared ridicule until I learned how to laugh at myself.

I feared growing old until I realized that I gained wisdom everyday.

I feared the future until I realized that life just kept getting better.

I feared the past until I realized that it could no longer hurt me.

I feared the dark until I saw the beauty of the starlight.

I feared the light until I learned that the truth would give me strength.

I feared change until I saw that even the most beautiful butterfly had to undergo a metamorphosis before it could fly.

~Bobbete Bryan~

Dream High

Hi, recently I was so addicted to this Korean Drama. Last night I finished all the episodes (although there was no English subtitle for the last episodes, I still watched it since I was so curious about the ending. Surprisingly, I understood what they're saying!)

By the way, I want to post the review about this drama. Don't read this if you don't want me to be a spoiler. LOL XD

 

The drama is about six youths who really have a big dream to be superstars. They managed to enter Kirin Art School and worked hard to achieve their dreams. I think this drama is really the best Korean drama I've ever watched, since usually Korean Drama was only about Romance (The rich guy's falling in love with poor girl and so on), very common. But this drama tells us something else instead of loving someone. It tells us that the word "impossible" does never exist in achieving dream. We just need to work hard and prove to the world that we can defeat our own weakness. 

 This is the main girl character, Goo Hye Mi. She is a pretty girl who learn vocal for almost 10 years already. She's very talented. She can sing and dance at the same time. But unfortunately, she's a cold-hearted girl who always prejudice the world. She has to change her attitude if she really wants to be a star. 

 She is Yoon Baek Hee. She used to be a best friend and follower of Hye Mi's. But she changed to a totally different person when she entered Kirin Art School. She's blinded by her passion, she tried everything to prove that she's not a "third-class" student who doesn't have talent at all, she never cared that actually she could hurt everybody around her. She soon became Hye Mi's rival. 

His name is Jin Guk, is a gifted dancer, but a troubled student at school. The director of Kirin High School of Art recommended Jin-Gook to enroll at his school. There, Jin-Gook's talents blossom and he now dreams of becoming a global star. He's falling in love with Hye Mi and automatically becomes the rival of Sam Dong's.

Another character is Kim Pil Sook. An adorable girl with super cute smile. First, she used to be very fat and did not have enough confident to be a star although she's very talented. But she's motivated by Jason to lose her weight and she's becoming the REAL STAR. Just look at the pictures! WOW!

Nah, this is Jason. An exchange student who comes to Kirin High after receiving the top score for new applicants. He comes from abroad and shows outstanding skills as a dancer. He's falling in love with Pil Sook even when she's over weighed and not popular. However, he never realized his feeling. By the way, I really like this couple. They're seriously cute when they're together! =D

And the last... SONG SAM DONG!

Song Sam Dong's transformation can be seen from the three pictures above. It's amazing seeing that small town guy like him has a wonderful talent. He never learn music before. He lived with his Mom before Hye Mi came and asked him to study in Kirin Art School. He's a pure-hearted guy who always think positively. He's hardworking. And swear, he is my favorite character in this drama! Just see how handsome he is! How cute he is! OMG, I am really mad of him. His smile can make me crazy!

The best thing of him: HE IS THE REAL GENTLEMAN. He loves Hye Mi from the very beginning, until the end. He said he will always love the girl even though she hates him. 

He has a hidden talent. He can possibly a great composer. The fist time he saw a piano, he could play the chords well, without knowing any basic of chords. His dancing was not really good, but he managed to improve it. No wonder he became A BIG STAR. 

There were two parts that I cried a lot while watching this drama. It's when Sam Dong saw the girl he likes kissing with other guy. Just imagine the one you love kissed with other guy/girl in front of you. It hurts too much. Another part was, when he felt he is really closed to his dream, I remembered he said this sentence, "My dream is really really beautiful. And I can see it clearly in front of me", but something hurtful happened. He lost his hearing. His ears were buzzing almost everytime. Hey, can you imagine that? When you feel so close to your dream, when you can almost achieve it, and suddenly you lose everything. The dream is not longer yours. It seems to be so far away, beyond your reach. How do feel, huh? I swear, it would feel so painful. That's why I cried a lot when seeing him losing his dream. His beautiful dream.

But he never gave up. He tried to create a perfect pitch although he lost his hearing. He tried really hard, once he felt so depressed but he got up, tried to live in his dream. Because he said, "My dream is really really beautiful. And I won't let it go."

He ended up becoming the only Korean star who could participate in Grammy Award in US. I think it's clear that God gave him a wonderful talent. HE PROVES IT! HE IS AWESOME! I love him! OMG, I LOVE HIM! >.<

PS :

Only if this kind of guy really exists in real life...

~Asa~

Farewell

My Korean friends just left this country. They were going back to Korea several hours ago. Yea, it's true. If there was a meeting, there would exactly be a farewell. I just never know that the "lost" feeling would be this dominant. We just spent few months together, we couldn't even communicate really well, since their English was not really good at the first time they came. Well, they came to Sunway for internship. The studied English here. I don't really understand Korean either, although I knew some vocabularies which usually appeared in the dramas.

But we had fun. We did have fun. We're hanging out together, having dinner, singing and dancing like idiots on my birthday and swimming until late at night for 2 and half hours. They even came to Indonesia, although I couldn't join them, since my holiday started at different date from theirs. I was sad that I could not spend my holiday with them. But I had no choice that time.

We gave them presents. It's a hand-made t-shirts. Oh, no. Not the t-shirt. But the writings on the t-shirts LOL XD. I was always happy doing such things, like drawing, writing, quoting, coloring and wrapping (this one, not really actually) and I think giving these presents was a brilliant idea. I am not good at drawing. Never really. But as long as I did it with heart, then every drawing would be very beautiful =D (I hope everybody thinks the same way).

We finished doing our "projects" at 1 am in the morning. The Sun-U Residence gate was closed and I could only go out from its trellis. Nah, now I feel I am not really "fat", because I could go through the small space of trellis smoothly. LOL XD

Well okay, I began to stray slightly far from the topic. The thing I wanna talk about is the feeling. I felt sad indeed, when I saw them putting their stuffs into the van. Until the time we hugged each other, one of my friend suddenly cried. Rachel (BoKyung Eonni was also crying that time). It made me feel... I don't want to lose them. I want them to stay. I want to hang out with them. I want to have fun with them. I want to help them do their assignments until late at night. I want to spend time together.

I cried on my way back to Lagoon View although I tried to hold back the tears. I just couldn't bear. I don't know when we can meet again. And it made me feel really sad.

To Rachel, Helen and Lily...

I am happy to know you. You are the craziest Koreans I've ever met. Well, no offense. But honestly, I am grateful I could meet you here. All the best for your career.

By the way, I believe we can meet again at the happier moment =)

Annyong,

~Asa~