Lately I realize that I've been so pampered all the time. I have to wake up. I am no longer my mom's little girl. I've grown up. No, not yet. I have to grow up. But I guess, being mature is not something very easy to be accomplished.
Everything seems to be very hard to me. I am just good at faking. Sure, feel free to call me a coward. I am wearing a mask. I am ugly inside and if you really can notice it, I am not as strong as you think. I am too fragile and just not ready to face the world.
The world outside is just too scary. I am not brave and tough enough to stand on my own feet. I am hurt again and again. Sometimes I just feel like hiding in my room because I am just scared that someone will hurt me again. Sometimes I just hate to love again because it is just too painful when someone has to leave me or just let me go without words. Sometimes I just feel so tired of living.
Have you heard it before? When people said, "Losing your sight is not scary, the scariest thing is when you lose your vision."
What is scarier than it? I experience it. I no longer have a vision. Why am I here? Where has the spirit gone? What is the purpose of my life? I don't know. I lost it some time ago. When it happens, everything just seems to be so hard to me. Even waking up in the morning turns to be a pain for me. I hate being alive. Forgive me for that, God.
I tried to pray, but did it work? I have no answer. I am so clueless.
I need motivation. I need somebody to ensure me that my life is worth living again and again. Once is just not enough because I have been suffering too deep in my depression. And what did I get? Everyone just seems to hate me. I always look bad in people's eyes, even when I have worn the mask.
Anyone has idea about the good things on me, so I won't be too depressed like these days? I know no one will be able to tell me 'cause I don't have any.
Want me to be grateful? I was. But now I forget how to be thankful since I have trapped in my own sorrow for quite some time.
Forgive me, Lord.
~Asa~
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Harapan
Aku tau aku egois. Manusia mana yang nggak? Waktu aku berpikir lagi dan lagi, setiap malam, setiap detik, bayangkan, I've never been this thoughtful before. Yang aku pikirkan hanyalah betapa bercelahnya aku. Betapa nggak sempurnanya aku. Aku cuman cewek bodoh yang terlalu cepat senang dan juga cepat kecewa. Aku cepat berubah pikiran, terkadang kehilangan pendirian hanya karena dikendalikan perasaan. Berkali-kali aku mencoba untuk nggak mengandalkan perasaanku, tapi yang ada aku malah meremukkan hatiku sendiri. Dan rasanya, nggak pernah nyaman.
Saat seluruh pandangan tertutupi kabut, yang aku inginkan hanyalah sebuah cahaya kecil, walau jauh dan hampir tak terjangkau, it's okay. Asalkan cahaya itu masih di sana, asalkan harapan itu masih ada walau udah redup. Aku rela. Aku mau berlari ke sana seberapa sulitnya pun itu. Aku bakal mengejar harapan itu. Tapi saat harapan redup aku lihat akhirnya padam, aku nggak tau harus gimana. Aku hancur, berkeping-keping dan mungkin nggak akan bisa bangkit lagi. Gimana mungkin, satu-satunya cahaya yang kupunya malah menghilang dan pergi. Gimana aku harus lanjut berjalan?
Aku memohon. Aku membuang harga diri dan mulai mengandalkan keegoisanku demi sebuah harapan kecil. Aku bilang pada diriku sendiri kalau sebuah harapan saja berarti banyak buatku. Aku rela berjuang mati-matian, nggak ada yang salah dengan itu. Kalau dipikir-pikir aku memang bodoh, memperjuangkan sesuatu yang nggak pernah pasti. Aku berjudi dengan hidupku. Aku nggak bisa membayangkan suatu saat nanti kalau cahaya itu benar-benar pergi untuk selamanya dan nggak akan pernah kembali lagi. Gimana aku bisa terus berjalan?
Aku benar-benar nggak tau kenapa semuanya jadi begini. Sesuatu yang awalnya bisa aku lihat dengan jelas, yang bahkan bisa kupegang dengan erat, melesat pergi dari tanganku begitu saja dan aku bahkan nggak bisa melihatnya sejelas yang dulu. Aku berjanji pada diriku sendiri untuk terus berjalan mengejar cahaya itu apapun resikonya, tapi aku nggak bisa jalan sendiri. Gimana aku bisa menjadi kuat kalau aku sendiri? Aku takut. Aku takut kalau sampai akhirnya aku terus berjalan sendiri dan cahaya itu lenyap di depan mataku. Aku beneran takut. Aku takut dibenci. Aku takut diabaikan. Aku takut dibuang. Aku nggak lebih dari seorang pengecut yang nggak bisa berani berjalan dengan kedua kakinya, kan?
Yang aku inginkan hanyalah genggaman tangan dan sebuah suara yang bersedia menemaniku hingga akhir. Nggak lebih dari itu.
~Asa~
Saat seluruh pandangan tertutupi kabut, yang aku inginkan hanyalah sebuah cahaya kecil, walau jauh dan hampir tak terjangkau, it's okay. Asalkan cahaya itu masih di sana, asalkan harapan itu masih ada walau udah redup. Aku rela. Aku mau berlari ke sana seberapa sulitnya pun itu. Aku bakal mengejar harapan itu. Tapi saat harapan redup aku lihat akhirnya padam, aku nggak tau harus gimana. Aku hancur, berkeping-keping dan mungkin nggak akan bisa bangkit lagi. Gimana mungkin, satu-satunya cahaya yang kupunya malah menghilang dan pergi. Gimana aku harus lanjut berjalan?
Aku memohon. Aku membuang harga diri dan mulai mengandalkan keegoisanku demi sebuah harapan kecil. Aku bilang pada diriku sendiri kalau sebuah harapan saja berarti banyak buatku. Aku rela berjuang mati-matian, nggak ada yang salah dengan itu. Kalau dipikir-pikir aku memang bodoh, memperjuangkan sesuatu yang nggak pernah pasti. Aku berjudi dengan hidupku. Aku nggak bisa membayangkan suatu saat nanti kalau cahaya itu benar-benar pergi untuk selamanya dan nggak akan pernah kembali lagi. Gimana aku bisa terus berjalan?
Aku benar-benar nggak tau kenapa semuanya jadi begini. Sesuatu yang awalnya bisa aku lihat dengan jelas, yang bahkan bisa kupegang dengan erat, melesat pergi dari tanganku begitu saja dan aku bahkan nggak bisa melihatnya sejelas yang dulu. Aku berjanji pada diriku sendiri untuk terus berjalan mengejar cahaya itu apapun resikonya, tapi aku nggak bisa jalan sendiri. Gimana aku bisa menjadi kuat kalau aku sendiri? Aku takut. Aku takut kalau sampai akhirnya aku terus berjalan sendiri dan cahaya itu lenyap di depan mataku. Aku beneran takut. Aku takut dibenci. Aku takut diabaikan. Aku takut dibuang. Aku nggak lebih dari seorang pengecut yang nggak bisa berani berjalan dengan kedua kakinya, kan?
Yang aku inginkan hanyalah genggaman tangan dan sebuah suara yang bersedia menemaniku hingga akhir. Nggak lebih dari itu.
~Asa~
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Kabut tebal
Entah udah berapa lama aku nggak menulis dengan bahasa Indonesia. Rasanya pengen aja, bukan karena lagi cengeng atau apa. Pokoknya aku benar-benar ingin menulis dengan bahasa ini.
Jadi intinya, aku benar-benar nggak tau gimana caranya dua orang yang punya kepribadian yang sungguh berbeda bisa bersatu. Kalaupun bisa, aku nggak tau hanya bisa sampai kapan. Aku pesimis soal itu. Yang satu terlalu peduli dan yang satunya nggak peduli sama sekali. Aku rasa dua-duanya bakal terluka. Orang yang terlalu peduli itu dilukai oleh ketidakpedulian yang satunya, sedangkan yang nggak peduli sama sekali itu bakal dilukai ketika melihat pasangannya terluka.
Yang aku lihat cuman kabut tebal. Nggak ada yang lainnya. Aku nggak tau darimana asalnya kabut itu. Entah ada yang salah dengan padanganku, atau mungkin kabut itu tercipta karena genangan air mata di mataku. Aku nggak tau. Nggak ada yang tau jawabnya, kecuali Yang di atas. Aku harap kabut tebal itu cuman air mataku, tapi entah sampai kapan aku harus meyakinkan diriku sendiri sesuatu yang bahkan belum pasti jawabannya. Aku tau suatu saat nanti aku bakal benar-benar lelah dan nggak tau lagi gimana caranya bangkit dan tersenyum. Mungkin aku harus mempersiapkan diriku untuk itu karena aku takut kalau aku bakal benar-benar hancur berkeping-keping dengan hati berdarah-darah.
Kalau diperlambat, gerakan yang ada di kepalaku persis satu adegan film yang "diperlambat" dan dipoles dengan tone "hitam-putih". Jadi semuanya bergerak serba lambat. Hanya aku yang berwarna, sedangkan sekelilingku nggak jelas dan penuh kabut. Aku berjalan perlahan, meraba-raba takut menyandung sesuatu karena semuanya serba tidak jelas. Lalu aku tersendung sesuatu dan jatuh tersungkur. Bukan jatuhnya yang menyakitkan, tapi bangkit sendiri tanpa ada seorang pun yang mengulurkan tangannya, itu yang paling menyakitkan. Lalu aku berdiri lagi. Samar-samar aku lihat cahaya di ujung sana. Samar. Benar-benar samar. Aku bahkan nggak yakin itu cahaya atau malah ilusiku saja. Tapi aku terus berjalan, berharap kalau imajinasiku tidak sehebat itu. Aku ingin kalau cahaya itu benar-benar ada.
Tapi lagi-lagi aku salah. Di balik cahaya itu, ada dua lorong yang berbeda. Ada suara yang bilang padaku kalau aku harus memilih yang kiri. Tapi aku terlalu terarah pada suara hatiku sendiri, jadi aku memilih lorong yang lain. Dari balik kabut tebal, aku melirik ke arah lorong yang tidak kupilih. Barulah aku tau kalau lorong yang kiri itu ada sebuah lubang besar yang dalam. Tapi sedalam-dalamnya, lubang itu masih bisa dipanjat kalau aku bersikeras. Diam-diam aku bersyukur karena memilih lorong yang lain.
Barulah aku tau kalau lorong yang kupilih itu penuh dengan duri-duri yang menyakitkan di sekelilingnya. Aku meringis ketika satu persatu duri itu melukai kaki, lengan dan sekujur tubuhku. Tapi ada yang lebih menyakitkan di sini. Tepat di ulu hati. Karena ternyata, lagi-lagi aku berjalan sendirian. Tapi aku terus melangkah, aku nggak bisa berhenti. Aku jalan terus sambil meraba-raba, tidak tau apa lagi yang akan kuhadapi di depan sana.
Sama seperti lorong di sebelah kiri. Kalau aku memilih lorong itu, dan aku terjatuh ke lubang yang dalam, aku mungkin nggak tau gimana caranya bangkit. Tapi saat aku memilih lorong kanan, aku dilukai duri-duri tajam itu dan akhirnya aku tenggelam dalam kesendirianku tanpa tau apa lagi yang akan kuhadapi di depan sana.
Aku nggak tau apa yang terjadi. Kabut tebal itu menutupi segalanya, padanganku, padangan semua orang. Kabut tebal itu juga yang membuatku takut. Takut kalau aku bakal berjalan ke arah yang salah. Kabut tebal itu yang membuatku tidak bisa melihat siapapun. Jadi aku tidak tau apakah aku sendirian, atau ada orang lain di sana, hanya saja tertutupi oleh kabut?
Entah. Jangan tanya aku. Itu yang harusnya aku tanyakan.
~Asa~
Jadi intinya, aku benar-benar nggak tau gimana caranya dua orang yang punya kepribadian yang sungguh berbeda bisa bersatu. Kalaupun bisa, aku nggak tau hanya bisa sampai kapan. Aku pesimis soal itu. Yang satu terlalu peduli dan yang satunya nggak peduli sama sekali. Aku rasa dua-duanya bakal terluka. Orang yang terlalu peduli itu dilukai oleh ketidakpedulian yang satunya, sedangkan yang nggak peduli sama sekali itu bakal dilukai ketika melihat pasangannya terluka.
Yang aku lihat cuman kabut tebal. Nggak ada yang lainnya. Aku nggak tau darimana asalnya kabut itu. Entah ada yang salah dengan padanganku, atau mungkin kabut itu tercipta karena genangan air mata di mataku. Aku nggak tau. Nggak ada yang tau jawabnya, kecuali Yang di atas. Aku harap kabut tebal itu cuman air mataku, tapi entah sampai kapan aku harus meyakinkan diriku sendiri sesuatu yang bahkan belum pasti jawabannya. Aku tau suatu saat nanti aku bakal benar-benar lelah dan nggak tau lagi gimana caranya bangkit dan tersenyum. Mungkin aku harus mempersiapkan diriku untuk itu karena aku takut kalau aku bakal benar-benar hancur berkeping-keping dengan hati berdarah-darah.
Kalau diperlambat, gerakan yang ada di kepalaku persis satu adegan film yang "diperlambat" dan dipoles dengan tone "hitam-putih". Jadi semuanya bergerak serba lambat. Hanya aku yang berwarna, sedangkan sekelilingku nggak jelas dan penuh kabut. Aku berjalan perlahan, meraba-raba takut menyandung sesuatu karena semuanya serba tidak jelas. Lalu aku tersendung sesuatu dan jatuh tersungkur. Bukan jatuhnya yang menyakitkan, tapi bangkit sendiri tanpa ada seorang pun yang mengulurkan tangannya, itu yang paling menyakitkan. Lalu aku berdiri lagi. Samar-samar aku lihat cahaya di ujung sana. Samar. Benar-benar samar. Aku bahkan nggak yakin itu cahaya atau malah ilusiku saja. Tapi aku terus berjalan, berharap kalau imajinasiku tidak sehebat itu. Aku ingin kalau cahaya itu benar-benar ada.
Tapi lagi-lagi aku salah. Di balik cahaya itu, ada dua lorong yang berbeda. Ada suara yang bilang padaku kalau aku harus memilih yang kiri. Tapi aku terlalu terarah pada suara hatiku sendiri, jadi aku memilih lorong yang lain. Dari balik kabut tebal, aku melirik ke arah lorong yang tidak kupilih. Barulah aku tau kalau lorong yang kiri itu ada sebuah lubang besar yang dalam. Tapi sedalam-dalamnya, lubang itu masih bisa dipanjat kalau aku bersikeras. Diam-diam aku bersyukur karena memilih lorong yang lain.
Barulah aku tau kalau lorong yang kupilih itu penuh dengan duri-duri yang menyakitkan di sekelilingnya. Aku meringis ketika satu persatu duri itu melukai kaki, lengan dan sekujur tubuhku. Tapi ada yang lebih menyakitkan di sini. Tepat di ulu hati. Karena ternyata, lagi-lagi aku berjalan sendirian. Tapi aku terus melangkah, aku nggak bisa berhenti. Aku jalan terus sambil meraba-raba, tidak tau apa lagi yang akan kuhadapi di depan sana.
Sama seperti lorong di sebelah kiri. Kalau aku memilih lorong itu, dan aku terjatuh ke lubang yang dalam, aku mungkin nggak tau gimana caranya bangkit. Tapi saat aku memilih lorong kanan, aku dilukai duri-duri tajam itu dan akhirnya aku tenggelam dalam kesendirianku tanpa tau apa lagi yang akan kuhadapi di depan sana.
Aku nggak tau apa yang terjadi. Kabut tebal itu menutupi segalanya, padanganku, padangan semua orang. Kabut tebal itu juga yang membuatku takut. Takut kalau aku bakal berjalan ke arah yang salah. Kabut tebal itu yang membuatku tidak bisa melihat siapapun. Jadi aku tidak tau apakah aku sendirian, atau ada orang lain di sana, hanya saja tertutupi oleh kabut?
Entah. Jangan tanya aku. Itu yang harusnya aku tanyakan.
~Asa~
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Random Thoughts
I'm always scared whenever I think of the future. Mostly people are afraid too, aren't they? So, I'm not the only one at least. I've learned many things which said that worry about the future may only stop your step forward and instead bring you backward. I know it for sure. However, I seem to not be able to control my own mind. I feel so useless.
I think of everything, every possibility, from the very best ones, till the worst. I know I should not have worried too much, it won't make me live longer anyway. But I can't help it. I hate myself for thinking too much and yet I can't even handle my own thoughts. Those stupid thoughts strike on me, again and again. I am drowned into my deepest despair. Am I able to stand on my feet now? I'm scared I will fall again. And that time, most probably, I will not know how to stand up. I am such a coward, aren't I?
I guess I've poured too much love that I can't even hold back. Feel free to call me retarded.
I used to be an optimist. Where did that side of me go? I am not me. I feel empty. Can everything go back to it used to be? I'm scared.
The only thing I can do is to pray. But somehow, I can't hear the voice of God. The only thing I heard was only my own heartbeat and my own trembled voice. I'm scared that He will leave me too. How am I supposed to live then? I'm scared.
And even now, all I see is tears. Nothing else.
~Asa~
I think of everything, every possibility, from the very best ones, till the worst. I know I should not have worried too much, it won't make me live longer anyway. But I can't help it. I hate myself for thinking too much and yet I can't even handle my own thoughts. Those stupid thoughts strike on me, again and again. I am drowned into my deepest despair. Am I able to stand on my feet now? I'm scared I will fall again. And that time, most probably, I will not know how to stand up. I am such a coward, aren't I?
I guess I've poured too much love that I can't even hold back. Feel free to call me retarded.
I used to be an optimist. Where did that side of me go? I am not me. I feel empty. Can everything go back to it used to be? I'm scared.
The only thing I can do is to pray. But somehow, I can't hear the voice of God. The only thing I heard was only my own heartbeat and my own trembled voice. I'm scared that He will leave me too. How am I supposed to live then? I'm scared.
And even now, all I see is tears. Nothing else.
~Asa~
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Swot Vac Syndrome
Dear readers, I'm back :)
Actually I'm kinda sad seeing my own blog's condition. It's dying (or it has been already dead?). I haven't updated any new post since months ago due to my hectic university life. I have tons of experiences and stories I'd like to share to you all, but the deadlines of my reports and assignments were about to make me busier than a business woman.
So yea. I wanna discuss about what-so-called "swot vac syndrome". It happens every semester to almost every Monash students approximately 1-2 weeks near the final exams. This syndrome is considered as severe, since it may lead to a more serious, troublesome state, which is "permanent head damage" state.
Swot vac syndrome is marked by several symptoms:
1. Bipolar moods disorder; the moods swing ups and downs extremely. You can even laugh at your own jokes at the first second (or maybe other people's lame jokes) and you can cry when you look at your lecture notes at the next second.
2. Excessive homesickness; when you suddenly miss your mom's cooking, the smell of your bedroom, the warmth of your family and so on.
3. Antisocial behavior; when you suddenly prefer staying at home or library, far from noises and crowds, when your eyes are like being planted to the lecture notes, you can't even blink, it will be the time you have less interaction with other people.
4. Greediness; when you suddenly have the trigger to eat all foods in your refrigerator, especially sweet things like chocolate (or maybe the salty potato chips?) just to help you stay awake.
5. Maximum level of dizziness; caused by too much information taken to the brain.
6. Lastly, those symptoms above are followed by rapid growth of pimples and blackheads on your whole face!
There are some factors leading this syndrome to occur:
1. Severe sleep deprivation
2. Lack of nutrition
3. No entertainment (being too bored)
4. Lack of exercise
5. Too much information taken
So this syndrome has been happening to me since days ago. As you can see, it is a serious syndrome. However, I'm not sure whether you have to read it so serious as well since this syndrome actually does never exist :P I am the one who creates it due to the maximum level of boredom I have right now. Anyway, there is no scientific evidence nor scientific approach done to prove it :P
Well, it's a good idea anyway. Maybe I should collaborate with people from Psychology department to conduct some experiments or some kinds of interviews? Hmm. If I have chance, I will do it in the near future (just kidding of course) :D
Okay. I should sleep now. Bye :D
For all Monashians, best of luck for your coming exam! See ya :D
Actually I'm kinda sad seeing my own blog's condition. It's dying (or it has been already dead?). I haven't updated any new post since months ago due to my hectic university life. I have tons of experiences and stories I'd like to share to you all, but the deadlines of my reports and assignments were about to make me busier than a business woman.
So yea. I wanna discuss about what-so-called "swot vac syndrome". It happens every semester to almost every Monash students approximately 1-2 weeks near the final exams. This syndrome is considered as severe, since it may lead to a more serious, troublesome state, which is "permanent head damage" state.
Swot vac syndrome is marked by several symptoms:
1. Bipolar moods disorder; the moods swing ups and downs extremely. You can even laugh at your own jokes at the first second (or maybe other people's lame jokes) and you can cry when you look at your lecture notes at the next second.
2. Excessive homesickness; when you suddenly miss your mom's cooking, the smell of your bedroom, the warmth of your family and so on.
3. Antisocial behavior; when you suddenly prefer staying at home or library, far from noises and crowds, when your eyes are like being planted to the lecture notes, you can't even blink, it will be the time you have less interaction with other people.
4. Greediness; when you suddenly have the trigger to eat all foods in your refrigerator, especially sweet things like chocolate (or maybe the salty potato chips?) just to help you stay awake.
5. Maximum level of dizziness; caused by too much information taken to the brain.
6. Lastly, those symptoms above are followed by rapid growth of pimples and blackheads on your whole face!
There are some factors leading this syndrome to occur:
1. Severe sleep deprivation
2. Lack of nutrition
3. No entertainment (being too bored)
4. Lack of exercise
5. Too much information taken
So this syndrome has been happening to me since days ago. As you can see, it is a serious syndrome. However, I'm not sure whether you have to read it so serious as well since this syndrome actually does never exist :P I am the one who creates it due to the maximum level of boredom I have right now. Anyway, there is no scientific evidence nor scientific approach done to prove it :P
Well, it's a good idea anyway. Maybe I should collaborate with people from Psychology department to conduct some experiments or some kinds of interviews? Hmm. If I have chance, I will do it in the near future (just kidding of course) :D
Okay. I should sleep now. Bye :D
For all Monashians, best of luck for your coming exam! See ya :D
Saturday, April 21, 2012
I thought I was special...
It's been quite long since the last time I posted. The last post was very short as I remember, describing my disappointment briefly. I wonder why I have trigger to write whenever I feel sad, insecure and disappointed. The same thing happens to me today. A huge disappointment force myself to keep writing, I'm sorry for that. Who cares anyway. No one.
Apparently, I've been so upset since last night. I tried to bear the anger till I couldn't sleep and surprisingly still woke up in the early morning (how I hope I could woke up early like this during weekdays, since I have morning class almost everyday). But as I thought about it, I began to realize that I am such a fool who always cares of everything too much whereas others don't even think of me that much. Oops. Not that much. But they don't even think of me at all. Especially him. I hope that he could care of me more, I don't ask for too much. Just a little bit. Girls need affection, don't they? And I don't get even a little bit of it from him. That's why I'm saying that I'm really disappointed.
I know, I can't expect something like in the movies, super romantic scenes when the guy was giving the girl red roses on their special day, dating, watching movie, having candle light dinner, kissing under the rain etc etc and etc. I never expect those things to happen. Never even think of it. What I want is just a small tiny affection, actually that's all girls want from their boyfriend, no?
I know he is not romantic. He's not caring like other boyfriends are. I accept him for who he is. But this is just too much. I'm getting tired. I'm always the one who texts him, worries about him, thinks of him while he doesn't even care anything about me.
Being ignorant is just the matter. I thought I could know more about him than anyone else. But I was wrong, totally. I was just like any other girl. Nothing special. That's the most painful thing, when I thought I was special but actually I am not. I was just flying too high with my own imagination thinking that I could be slightly more special than any other girl. I was proved to be literally idiot.
I am not making any problem bigger. I remember he labeled me as "the-one-who-always-makes-things-complicated", and those words hurt me like sword. I can still feel the pain until now. It hurt me deeply, without mercy, just to let you know. I'm supposedly not to remember the past, but I don't know, it seems to be very difficult to recover the wound. I heard not even a single apology that day. It hurt me even more.
I was only the one who cares too much. I was only the one who thought that he's serious. I was only the fool that loves him so much. I'm stupid. And I'm so sorry to say it that it won't last long if he keeps staying ignorant and letting me feel exhausted like this. I'm just a human being. I can't be patient all the times and wasting my time like this. I'm getting tired. I'm serious, I AM getting tired.
Yes, I am childish. He makes me act this way.
PS: You will choose to be loved rather than to love, won't you? If it's me, I will.
~Asa~
Apparently, I've been so upset since last night. I tried to bear the anger till I couldn't sleep and surprisingly still woke up in the early morning (how I hope I could woke up early like this during weekdays, since I have morning class almost everyday). But as I thought about it, I began to realize that I am such a fool who always cares of everything too much whereas others don't even think of me that much. Oops. Not that much. But they don't even think of me at all. Especially him. I hope that he could care of me more, I don't ask for too much. Just a little bit. Girls need affection, don't they? And I don't get even a little bit of it from him. That's why I'm saying that I'm really disappointed.
I know, I can't expect something like in the movies, super romantic scenes when the guy was giving the girl red roses on their special day, dating, watching movie, having candle light dinner, kissing under the rain etc etc and etc. I never expect those things to happen. Never even think of it. What I want is just a small tiny affection, actually that's all girls want from their boyfriend, no?
I know he is not romantic. He's not caring like other boyfriends are. I accept him for who he is. But this is just too much. I'm getting tired. I'm always the one who texts him, worries about him, thinks of him while he doesn't even care anything about me.
Being ignorant is just the matter. I thought I could know more about him than anyone else. But I was wrong, totally. I was just like any other girl. Nothing special. That's the most painful thing, when I thought I was special but actually I am not. I was just flying too high with my own imagination thinking that I could be slightly more special than any other girl. I was proved to be literally idiot.
I am not making any problem bigger. I remember he labeled me as "the-one-who-always-makes-things-complicated", and those words hurt me like sword. I can still feel the pain until now. It hurt me deeply, without mercy, just to let you know. I'm supposedly not to remember the past, but I don't know, it seems to be very difficult to recover the wound. I heard not even a single apology that day. It hurt me even more.
I was only the one who cares too much. I was only the one who thought that he's serious. I was only the fool that loves him so much. I'm stupid. And I'm so sorry to say it that it won't last long if he keeps staying ignorant and letting me feel exhausted like this. I'm just a human being. I can't be patient all the times and wasting my time like this. I'm getting tired. I'm serious, I AM getting tired.
Yes, I am childish. He makes me act this way.
PS: You will choose to be loved rather than to love, won't you? If it's me, I will.
~Asa~
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Untitled
I hate those smiley emoticons. I said sorry when I really meant it. But it's never being appreciated.
Those words, like sword, hurt me like nothing else can do.
And the wound wouldn't be healed that fast.
Sometimes I feel tired, to be with someone who always makes me cry.
I wonder when I'll be totally sick.
I'm not blaming anyone. It's just me who is extremely odd.
~Asa~
Those words, like sword, hurt me like nothing else can do.
And the wound wouldn't be healed that fast.
Sometimes I feel tired, to be with someone who always makes me cry.
I wonder when I'll be totally sick.
I'm not blaming anyone. It's just me who is extremely odd.
~Asa~
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
The stage
Dear readers, I'm back :)
As I'm reminiscing the past I've been through, it triggers me to blog at this hour. Somehow, I miss the stage. I've joined many singing competitions since I was young. I love singing, as hobby, however unlike my sister, I told myself that I wouldn't take it seriously. So, I was joining the competition just for fun. But surprisingly, I began to love it more and more.
Once, I was so proud of myself. I won the first place when I was in junior high school. People began to know me and praise me. In senior high school, I won again as the first winner, singing national songs amongst many students from different schools. I was quite happy with my talent that time. So it motivated me to practice more often. I joined another competition few months after it in Medan. I won the second place. I was satisfied with it. And it did give me courage to keep practicing, I wanted to be the best.
It was just a dream though. One of my dreams. I have too many dreams until I think that I'm kinda greedy, no? The last competition I joined was band competition. Our band won the third place and I became the best vocalist. And then I stopped. I never step on the stage anymore, except during my relative's wedding party or birthday party.
I was just thinking. If only I had continued to sing, most probably I wouldn't have been standing here, where I am now. So, where would I be?
Okay, you might have been wondering why I posted something like this so sudden. I'm wondering too. I just miss the competition. Sometimes, I've been thinking that I am not as good as I used to, I don't even have any courage to join any competition anymore, since many good singers today are ready to make me worry about my own ability. But if I do have chance, of course I want to. I've been missing the competitions, the nervous feeling and those heartbeats...
I'm not bragging anything. I'm writing what I want to, so don't think that I'm showing off in front of you guys now. But that's true. I used to be a very good singer until I stopped. I'm not anymore.
I miss the stage, really :(
~Asa~
As I'm reminiscing the past I've been through, it triggers me to blog at this hour. Somehow, I miss the stage. I've joined many singing competitions since I was young. I love singing, as hobby, however unlike my sister, I told myself that I wouldn't take it seriously. So, I was joining the competition just for fun. But surprisingly, I began to love it more and more.
Once, I was so proud of myself. I won the first place when I was in junior high school. People began to know me and praise me. In senior high school, I won again as the first winner, singing national songs amongst many students from different schools. I was quite happy with my talent that time. So it motivated me to practice more often. I joined another competition few months after it in Medan. I won the second place. I was satisfied with it. And it did give me courage to keep practicing, I wanted to be the best.
It was just a dream though. One of my dreams. I have too many dreams until I think that I'm kinda greedy, no? The last competition I joined was band competition. Our band won the third place and I became the best vocalist. And then I stopped. I never step on the stage anymore, except during my relative's wedding party or birthday party.
I was just thinking. If only I had continued to sing, most probably I wouldn't have been standing here, where I am now. So, where would I be?
Okay, you might have been wondering why I posted something like this so sudden. I'm wondering too. I just miss the competition. Sometimes, I've been thinking that I am not as good as I used to, I don't even have any courage to join any competition anymore, since many good singers today are ready to make me worry about my own ability. But if I do have chance, of course I want to. I've been missing the competitions, the nervous feeling and those heartbeats...
I'm not bragging anything. I'm writing what I want to, so don't think that I'm showing off in front of you guys now. But that's true. I used to be a very good singer until I stopped. I'm not anymore.
I miss the stage, really :(
~Asa~
Monday, March 19, 2012
Random post before going to bed
No one knows where the future will bring us,
except God
But sometimes I'm just too scared of my own thoughts,
I'm scared of the thoughts that you're going to leave me
Without words.
Because people said,
love comes and goes with no reason.
Feel free to call me a coward,
If I wake up in the next morning,
and you're not longer mine,
it will be the day that I fear of the most,
and it will be the day that I have nothing left
but severe heartbreak.
Okay. It's nothing. Ignore me.
Going to sleep now. Bye.
except God
But sometimes I'm just too scared of my own thoughts,
I'm scared of the thoughts that you're going to leave me
Without words.
Because people said,
love comes and goes with no reason.
Feel free to call me a coward,
If I wake up in the next morning,
and you're not longer mine,
it will be the day that I fear of the most,
and it will be the day that I have nothing left
but severe heartbreak.
Okay. It's nothing. Ignore me.
Going to sleep now. Bye.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
When more becomes too much
Now I understand what actually happened
I am nothing but just a hypocrite who always lost control of myself
I couldn't even take over my own mind, desire and heart
When the rationality was gone, I know something went wrong.
I should have known how to refuse
I should learn, yes, I have to.
Well, I know you would not understand what I'm talking about right now
Just ignore me
This is merely a random stupid post as the stupid thought came so sudden.
So yes, I am such a hypocrite
I don't want to remain one in the future
Forgive me, Lord.
~Asa~
I am nothing but just a hypocrite who always lost control of myself
I couldn't even take over my own mind, desire and heart
When the rationality was gone, I know something went wrong.
I should have known how to refuse
I should learn, yes, I have to.
Well, I know you would not understand what I'm talking about right now
Just ignore me
This is merely a random stupid post as the stupid thought came so sudden.
So yes, I am such a hypocrite
I don't want to remain one in the future
Forgive me, Lord.
~Asa~
Monday, February 20, 2012
Random post
Heard about this quote before?
"When you love someone, don't let him/her become your everything. Because when he/she leaves, you'll have nothing left."
Personally, I think it's true. But let me add some other sentences to make it clear. Modifying is not a crime, yes?
"But let God be your everything. Human beings are not perfect. However, believe me, God will never leave you alone. Trust him, you'll be fine."
~Asa~
"When you love someone, don't let him/her become your everything. Because when he/she leaves, you'll have nothing left."
Personally, I think it's true. But let me add some other sentences to make it clear. Modifying is not a crime, yes?
"But let God be your everything. Human beings are not perfect. However, believe me, God will never leave you alone. Trust him, you'll be fine."
~Asa~
Sunday, January 22, 2012
22 January 2012
Hi readers! Here's a warm greeting from Siantar! :D
It's been quite long though, since the last time I blogged. Sorry for that, I've been so busy since I had to finish all the assignments before CNY, therefore I would be able to totally enjoy my holiday without worrying about anything else. I thought yes, but I just remembered I haven't done my Psychology last Lab Journal. Well, somehow I regret. I should have finished it before going back to hometown :(
Anyway, I just arrived at my hometown around 12 last night. I was terribly tired after going through 2-hour-jam from Medan to Rampa. I think the driver (my brother) was even more exhausted than me. But, since I woke up at 4.30 am yesterday to catch 8am flight, so now I'm kinda suffering from sleep deprivation. I still can't fix my severe dark eye circle at the bottom of my "beautiful" eyes :(
Tomorrow I will be going to my grandma house in Medan (again?), for "pai ni" and angpao. LOL XD
It will be tiring, since we'll go back on the same day, at night after the visit. Then, I'll be free for couple of days in Siantar. We've planned to go to Brastagi for refreshing though, it will be on 28 till 30 January. Unfortunately, I need to go back Malaysia on 3 February. How I wish I can stay here a little bit longer (I guess humans are never satisfied XP)
So yea, I'm a bit scared that I won't have time to study, since my exam will be on 8 and 9. Too many deadlines, huh? But I've been going through worse than this before. Take it easy. I'll be able to handle it, no worries :D
Well, I should spare time to study. Time management is all I need :)
I'll update you my holiday photos after going back from Brastagi. Just wait, if you do interested in, nyehehe. Jya ne.
PS: Happy Chinese New Year all! Feel free to drop by my house if you want, but you do have to inform me first. Hopefully all of you enjoy your holiday! Bye :)
It's been quite long though, since the last time I blogged. Sorry for that, I've been so busy since I had to finish all the assignments before CNY, therefore I would be able to totally enjoy my holiday without worrying about anything else. I thought yes, but I just remembered I haven't done my Psychology last Lab Journal. Well, somehow I regret. I should have finished it before going back to hometown :(
Anyway, I just arrived at my hometown around 12 last night. I was terribly tired after going through 2-hour-jam from Medan to Rampa. I think the driver (my brother) was even more exhausted than me. But, since I woke up at 4.30 am yesterday to catch 8am flight, so now I'm kinda suffering from sleep deprivation. I still can't fix my severe dark eye circle at the bottom of my "beautiful" eyes :(
Tomorrow I will be going to my grandma house in Medan (again?), for "pai ni" and angpao. LOL XD
It will be tiring, since we'll go back on the same day, at night after the visit. Then, I'll be free for couple of days in Siantar. We've planned to go to Brastagi for refreshing though, it will be on 28 till 30 January. Unfortunately, I need to go back Malaysia on 3 February. How I wish I can stay here a little bit longer (I guess humans are never satisfied XP)
So yea, I'm a bit scared that I won't have time to study, since my exam will be on 8 and 9. Too many deadlines, huh? But I've been going through worse than this before. Take it easy. I'll be able to handle it, no worries :D
Well, I should spare time to study. Time management is all I need :)
I'll update you my holiday photos after going back from Brastagi. Just wait, if you do interested in, nyehehe. Jya ne.
PS: Happy Chinese New Year all! Feel free to drop by my house if you want, but you do have to inform me first. Hopefully all of you enjoy your holiday! Bye :)
Sunday, January 1, 2012
It's new year!
Dear readers,
This is my first post on the first day of January 2012. I'm welcoming this new year with bright smile on my face although in fact I suffered from sleep deprivation due to last night's countdown "celebration". Not a real celebration actually, I was just watching fireworks, greeting each others, spraying snow spray everywhere and having "loklok" for supper. So I guess, I failed my "losing weight" plan, huh? Since on the very first day I've already stuffed my stomach with nice and fattening foods. Hmm... Okay, it doesn't really matter. It's new year anyway! People have their own ways to enjoy it! :)
As I remember, last night was my first time doing the countdown without my family. Last year, I celebrated 2011 with my sister in Japan. Well, you might say "wow" but trust me it's not as great as you thought. The temple was so crowded, I couldn't even breathe. People kept on stepping my feet and pushed me behind. Moreover, it was freezing too.
But still, new year is new year. You'd feel excited no matter why :P
As I flash back, two years ago I spent my new year with my family. We're watching fireworks from rooftop, greeting each others and going to Toba Lake for holiday on the following day. Three years ago was almost same, if I was not mistaken. So, this year was quite special. I spent it in Malaysia without my parents or sister or brothers. Somehow I felt so lonely :(
But again, new year is new year! You'll feel excited to welcome it! :D
Therefore, I want to greet you all, Happy New Year 2012! What are you hesitating? New days full with better and greater experiences await in front of us!
So guys, are you excited?
You must say, "Aye aye, captain!" :P
GBU :)
~Asa~
This is my first post on the first day of January 2012. I'm welcoming this new year with bright smile on my face although in fact I suffered from sleep deprivation due to last night's countdown "celebration". Not a real celebration actually, I was just watching fireworks, greeting each others, spraying snow spray everywhere and having "loklok" for supper. So I guess, I failed my "losing weight" plan, huh? Since on the very first day I've already stuffed my stomach with nice and fattening foods. Hmm... Okay, it doesn't really matter. It's new year anyway! People have their own ways to enjoy it! :)
As I remember, last night was my first time doing the countdown without my family. Last year, I celebrated 2011 with my sister in Japan. Well, you might say "wow" but trust me it's not as great as you thought. The temple was so crowded, I couldn't even breathe. People kept on stepping my feet and pushed me behind. Moreover, it was freezing too.
But still, new year is new year. You'd feel excited no matter why :P
As I flash back, two years ago I spent my new year with my family. We're watching fireworks from rooftop, greeting each others and going to Toba Lake for holiday on the following day. Three years ago was almost same, if I was not mistaken. So, this year was quite special. I spent it in Malaysia without my parents or sister or brothers. Somehow I felt so lonely :(
But again, new year is new year! You'll feel excited to welcome it! :D
Therefore, I want to greet you all, Happy New Year 2012! What are you hesitating? New days full with better and greater experiences await in front of us!
So guys, are you excited?
You must say, "Aye aye, captain!" :P
GBU :)
~Asa~
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