I'm always scared whenever I think of the future. Mostly people are afraid too, aren't they? So, I'm not the only one at least. I've learned many things which said that worry about the future may only stop your step forward and instead bring you backward. I know it for sure. However, I seem to not be able to control my own mind. I feel so useless.
I think of everything, every possibility, from the very best ones, till the worst. I know I should not have worried too much, it won't make me live longer anyway. But I can't help it. I hate myself for thinking too much and yet I can't even handle my own thoughts. Those stupid thoughts strike on me, again and again. I am drowned into my deepest despair. Am I able to stand on my feet now? I'm scared I will fall again. And that time, most probably, I will not know how to stand up. I am such a coward, aren't I?
I guess I've poured too much love that I can't even hold back. Feel free to call me retarded.
I used to be an optimist. Where did that side of me go? I am not me. I feel empty. Can everything go back to it used to be? I'm scared.
The only thing I can do is to pray. But somehow, I can't hear the voice of God. The only thing I heard was only my own heartbeat and my own trembled voice. I'm scared that He will leave me too. How am I supposed to live then? I'm scared.
And even now, all I see is tears. Nothing else.
~Asa~
