Biggest enemy

I am scared of what people would think about me. I do care of what people said to me. I do worry about how they treated me. And I do realize that I am such a pathetic whose life is full with inconvenience. I worry about everything. I care about something that I am not supposed to care of. I keep thinking about useless things. No wonder my brain seems to be full of trashes.

So, that's true. My biggest enemy is my own thought. What people said is unfortunately right, when you have no idea how to control your mind, it may turn to be a huge foe for you. It may destroy you until pieces and at the very end, you will have nothing left. Nothing at all.

I am always scared of people's opinion about me--that they don't love me, that they never like me, that they will hate me forever. I don't want to be hated. But at the other side, I am not living to build reputation. I don't need reputation. Reputation is just a picture. Just try to burn and bury it, it will disappear with no trace. I don't need it. Really. I just don't want to be hated. That's it. I just want to be loved, because being hated without any reason is just way too painful.

But come on, life is too short to be spent this way. However, no matter how many times I try to convince myself, my brain is just too busy doing its own job. Its command is not my will. I keep thinking of the things that I don't want to think about. Ridiculous. I can't even take over my own mind. And I understand, if I remain in this situation, I will be murdered.

By my own thought.

I am trying hard to control my mind. Somehow, I wish I could be like those who never care of  others, who can hurt others without being afraid to be hated and who can laugh at other people's pain with no mercy. I wish I could be more ignorant. But I just can't.

I'm just an ordinary girl, who is imperfect, fragile, weak, fool and childish. But I am sure no one can be flawless. Is it wrong to have a flaw?

Yea, my mind is my biggest weakness after all.

~Asa~