Moments of Strength in Weaknesses

NB: It’s going to be a long post, included recent terrifying yet amazing hiking experience.

“Asking for help is a sign of fragility and incapability. Reaching for someone’s hand to hold makes us weak and leaning into another person is something to be ashamed of.”

I don’t know since when I had been living in this mindset and constantly feeling pathetic, if I had to grab a hand when I was about to fall. Was it because of the idea of how glamorous independence could be? Or was it because this one little monster called ego that hides in our deepest soul?

If you don’t know, neither do I. However, I think the cause doesn’t really matter anymore after knowing the fact that it’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to hold hands when the whole world shakes. Because that’s what makes us humane.

I flew away from home to pursue my dreams when I was sixteen. It’s been the ninth year and I get used to surviving alone. It was such a pride to handle everything by myself, I needed almost no one. That was the reason why I was so unfamiliar with the term “asking for help”, because I thought I was competent enough not to fall apart.

A trip to Mount Sibayak last week allowed me to see things differently. I used to hike quite a few times in the past: Broga Hill, Apek Hill, Mount Ijen, Twin Peaks and so on, with a small group of people, with very little help to get to the top, but never in a bad weather. You may think that I am exaggerating the whole story, that it was just an overstatement, but at least, it was my honest feeling.

It was one or two hours past midnight. The forest was as dark as a dungeon, the light came only from our headlamps. I was okay with darkness, but I was never okay with that muddy, loamy layer above the forest floor, providing I wasn’t wearing proper hiking shoes. I freaked out when I slipped and right beside me was a dark abyss with no visible end. Two friends of mine helped me out from the mud, pulled both of my hands and I finally stepped on a solid ground, still struggled to balance myself and jumped over a huge chunk of tree which was on my way. I was terrified. If they hadn’t been there, I would have probably left the earth forever.

The second trial was when we were about to reach the peak. There was a slope of approximately 70 degrees vertical, required us to climb with both hands. I was stuck in the middle with my legs far apart. I still hesitated to ask for help, maybe I could just, you know, make it by myself. However, one wrong movement, I found myself sliding down without control. It was when finally I shouted a name, but he was up there trying hard to rescue another person. I stayed in a torturing position for almost 5 minutes, but by far it felt like the longest time I’ve ever waited in my life, until finally someone came and reached out his hand. With one vigorous pull, I was up there. I survived another trial, but wasn’t so ready for the next one.

My whole body was shaking, not because I was exhausted, but because I was so frightened. For few seconds when I was hanging on that slope, some precious moments in my life flashed before my eyes, so I thought I was really going to die. I was even sure that I had gone pale, until a friend asked, “Are you okay?” not only once. Maybe several times, I couldn’t be sure because all I could hear clearly was only my own extraordinarily loud heartbeats.

About fifteen minutes was it took to tame my fear. I tried the hardest to gather every last piece of courage that I had to continue the climb. But this time, I wouldn’t hesitate to ask for help. Everything turned to be much easier.

Before 5 am, we reached the peak and it was the most ecstatic moment in my life. The sky was like a giant page of a fairytale book. Full of stars. They’re blazing, breaking the darkness apart. It was when I felt much, much alive. And down there, the city was made of lights. When the sun rose, all I could feel was gratitude to witness another beautiful day. I made sure that I captured all those amazing sceneries in my mind and I would keep them for a long, long time. In addition, I would keep them with all the smiles I gathered from all those beautiful people up there.

Pic 1. Sunrise From the Peak of Sibayak

                             

Pic 2. With Beautiful People I adore

When I reflected and realized what happened on the Mountain, for the first time in my life, I didn’t feel miserable when I asked for help. I felt that I have stepped and leveled up to be a little wiser to acknowledge that there’s no way I could do everything by myself. Those terrifying moments up there turned to be the moments of strength in weaknesses. But wait, did I regret?

Never even once, because I figured out an important lesson I couldn’t find anywhere else: We don’t have to feel sorry for acknowledging our humanness, something we all share.

Moreover, I started to realize how those experiences connect to my Toastmasters journey. Being a club president doesn’t mean I have to do everything alone. For all these times, I keep being supported by my committees and how I was such a fool for not realizing it earlier.

I probably wrote this for my future self, when I need to be constantly reminded, not feeling okay doesn’t always mean vulnerable. To those souls out there, you’re not a burden when you have tried hard but you still need someone to be strong. If we have to hold on to someone, cry on their shoulders, to put our feet together, it’s absolutely fine too because…

Humans are made to help one another with the arms wide open. That’s how we find strength in all of our weaknesses.

-ASA-

A Poem : Slip Away

There would be times when we had to go through the hardest phase in our life in order to evolve into an individual attributed with higher level of maturity. And most of the time, this phase doesn't merely happen once. It's on our replay list all the time without us knowing how to be numb. But I guess, instead of wondering why, it's always a perfect way for us to learn to be wise. 

So I wrote a poem about letting go.

The wind blows, a whisper

would bring us hope

Calm is the sea,

Gentle is the kiss of the wave on the ocean

but the sea-bird, struck by lightning

could there be a bright summer day?

without a storm 

breaking the dawn.

You and I are destined

to be inseparable

You and I,

nights and days, darkness and stars, love and wound,

pleasure and pain.

But what if they told us,

that's one last chance to feel alive?

That day when the wind blows again,

leaves are falling,

Have they just died

Fighting to stay intact

So go grab them by the hand

Hold them tight, don't let them touch the ground

Just to know that

Have they just died

Twice.

Darling, you killed them

Little did you know

The tighter you hold onto

The more misery you put them to

It reminds me of you,

the pain that consumes your heart.

Falling leaves, frail and crumbled

Let them slip away

Let your heart heal and be set free

For some answers need no grasp

A storm knows no limit

A broken song sung on a colossal stage

But at least,

you and I now know how to rhyme.

-ASA-

Soak and Drown

Being the reason of someone’s happiness, even if it’s just for a moment is a precious feeling. I love seeing, or if it’s possible, making people smile, because there’s something about smiling that brings out the best in individuals. For the same reason, I surround myself with those people who always try to make my days brighter and my nights warmer. I really love to be around those who constantly add sweet flavor into my dark chocolate ice cream. So, let me share the lesson I learnt through my sharing session with a beautiful individual who always lifts up others and helps as many people as possible bloom to their fullest potential.

One of my closest friends in my home club in Toastmasters, a passionate soul, dedicated educator, a kind-hearted woman with all of her imperfections and quirks, but somehow always manages to be an exemplary leader for everyone. Just like the meaning of her name, she’s a blazing honeycomb-yellow sun, born naturally with leading personalities. That evening, when we’re out for dinner, she taught me valuable lesson that I couldn’t find anywhere else, especially since we’re both are educators. It’s been quite some time since I had such memorable talk with someone and I felt content for many reasons I can’t elaborate.

She’s well-known and well-loved amongst kids. Not only because she’s motherly, but also because she has the capability of spreading joy and nurturing others into the best individuals alive. No wonder she’s loved. No wonder she’s beautiful. However the main ingredient to produce such great impact on those little monsters whom we called blessings might look simple but practically not so.

It’s love. It’s all about love. Pure. Wholeheartedly.

“I am even willing to roll on the floor with those kids, get my shirt dirty. I’m willing to do whatever I’m capable of to make them learn happily. None of them would ever heard something negative out of my mouth because positive words are the key to every locked door.” She said with an expression I almost couldn’t guess, but I’m pretty sure, it’s passion.

I was scratching my head, feeling astonished to know how someone’s able to pour so much love to whom she works for. Yes, she’s definitely not working for the school, but she’s working for better generation. A labor of love. A type of love that sometimes can’t be understood, where it overflows through our whole blood vessel and fills our system with euphoria and agony at the same time. Such a nonsense, but it exists.

“It’s easy to provide knowledge to them, but not just everyone can win their hearts. At the time we decided to jump into education field, we have to make sure that we soak ourselves and get drown—drown to the deepest point because there’s no way out. We have to do it wholeheartedly.”

They said, words are more powerful than any weapon on earth. The positive influence of words can reach millions of hearts and minds. Those words of hers that day have been ringing continuously and probably they’re going to stay for a long long time with me. Thus, I took time to reflect and found out that I had been living my life dishonestly.

Have I really soaked myself? Has it been deep enough? Have I done it right?

It’s never too late to get drown and love our lives wholeheartedly, it’s not only about the things we do, but also about those people around us. Give a full effort in everything, treat everyone with the same respect, love without restraint and reciprocation, because in the end of the day, those beautiful smiles of theirs would always be our most cherished memory.

-ASA-

Bridge of Mistakes

There are times when we make decisions that we aren’t proud of. No one likes to screw up and I guess, every of us wishes to make the right decision, one hundred percent of the time. Especially, living in a culture that glorify perfectionism, only two possible choices await in life: crossing the bridge by making one precise shot or not crossing at all and being a total failure. However, after a sharing session with one dedicated Toastmasters member, Robin, I realized that the mixture of both choices, somehow, makes an absolute great pair, just like seafood and Champagne or fried chicken and beer. And to our surprise, those bad mistakes we’ve made a few apparently turn to be the bridge.

Just for a few slices of background information, Robin is a businessman who has particular interest in networking and investment. One of the reasons why I possess a huge curiosity to interview him was because, like everybody else, he committed several mistakes too, even repeatedly but as I watched him grow, I am constantly fascinated by how prudent he has always been in terms of handling bad outcomes.

“I did regret a lot when I made my first few mistakes, but now as I look back, it wasn’t probably the right thing to do. So, what would I do, once an opportunity passed and I failed it, I’d try to look at another new thing.”

Those solid statements of his hit me, as I used to keep looking at the wreckage I made whenever I jumped into bad decisions and hate myself for what I’ve caused. But then, if only we tried one more time to bundle up those mistakes, stash them into our locked memory and look at things in a new perspective, there could be new opportunities behind those mistakes.

To add on, according to him, for the opportunities to come, understanding the cause is what we need the most instead of just mourning for the wrong track we took. When we are able to accept and understand our mistakes, that’s when we can turn them into opportunities.

“Just like how we pronounce this word ‘catastrophe’, there’s the word ‘trophy’ in ‘catastrophe’. So long story short, if I had not failed in my previous business, I wouldn’t have started this one. That is also why our little choices, even if they’re mistakes, they’re connected to what we’re today.”

To me, it sounds much like a blessing in disguise and also a chain reaction. Giving me new beautiful perspective, instead of locking up his mistakes in his deepest memory, he made use of them by building a bridge to cross for another new thing that might bring him success.

Afterall, to continue walking on the bridge could be scary, but at the same time it’s the place where we can reevaluate, restart, and cross to the other side. Life will throw so many things at us, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t able to handle the storms. It’s okay to make mistakes and it’s up to us whether or not we build the bridge.

-ASA-