What defines power?

It's been a while since the last time I posted anything. I worked like a cow in the past few months, but I am glad that today I spare some time to write. I would like to share a little bit about my experience in a non-profit organization that I devote myself to.

The main reason I join Toastmasters, not because I wanted to be a world-class speaker, but because I wanted to know the true meaning of leadership.

Some people had always been calling me bossy. Most of all because I am the youngest in the family and I tend to get whatever I want. Let's say, I wanted a huge teddy bear to be delivered right to my front door and well, it soon happened. Be jealous, because I did not even have to try. However, slowly I started to realize that life isn't only about getting what we want, but also giving what we have. I know now that it's all about learning to give. To my surprise, sharing and giving back to others affect my perception and my feeling entirely. It's the contentment I couldn't find elsewhere.

Servant leadership in a non-profit organization where we have to work our ass off, sacrificing our precious time, energy and money without expecting any acknowledgement from others is extremely challenging. Not to mention how many times I suffered emotionally and I was about to quit, in the end of the day, I was even called an idiot to have held back those unfavorable emotions at the back of my head. But then, as I reminisced, was it just a waste of time to be involved deeply in an organization which brought me nothing?

Uh-oh, alright. Take a deep breath. Before it offends anybody, please pay attention that I wrote those statements above in PAST TENSE. In the middle of my depressive moments, those were exactly my thoughts. It would be much better if I could neglect the responsibility which I valued like my own life but then burdened me a lot. I really had thought that it brought me nothing but hassle until I realized that it was me who had failed to see it.

I stopped experimenting with my shallow thoughts until I see the true example of a great leader. There might be plenty out there, but there's one who touches my heart. Plenty of hearts, in fact. Even from across the room, I've heard about how humble he is. It's true that people talk about others behind their back, and admit it, negative words usually spread faster than infectious deadly diseases. However, all I heard about him from time to time was praises, admiration and respect. So here I am to spread good things about him as well because I've witnessed his sincerity and dedication. He's definitely an exemplary leader who cares to listen.

To be honest, I was intrigued to know the secret of being a leader who earns much love and respect from everyone. Was it because of his position? Uh well, I would never know, if I did not experience a full year journey of hell. So I guess, we would never know how heaven is like, until we walked in hell, yea?

Not in literal meaning, my version of hell is a leader who never gets things done without pestering others. It gave me an arrogant thought, if only I ran away from my responsibility and also, her responsibility, what was she capable of doing without me? Of course, that was the time when I pitied myself and regretted whatever decision I'd made to have trapped inside. Well, I wouldn't share much about that leader's ugly truths here because I have talked enough about them somewhere else. Nonetheless, making her subordinate bear those thoughts alone was an absolute failure of being a great leader, although she held a position. I am not trying to compare anybody here, but even if I have done it, I wouldn't be sorry.

So, how can be two leaders with position earn different judgments from others? Well, the saints said we shouldn't judge at all, but darling, we ain't no saint. At least, I am not. Added up with my one full year of serving as a club president and plenty of leadership projects that almost made my head burst, I know for sure that position doesn't define power.

It's the IMPACT that matters.

As I reflect, what kind of leader have I become? What impact have I done to others for the year I've served in Toastmasters? Have I been delusional and proud for having the power that I probably never had just because of a position?

All those questions wouldn't have popped up if I hadn't tried committing suicide by jumping to that blazing and vigorous fire in hell. But dear, just because it burns, doesn't mean I'm gonna die (taken from a song lyric, yea you guessed it right). Instead, I got up more than twice to discover the true meaning of a servant leadership. It's not merely standing up there with an important position, but spreading positive impact to everyone we work with.

I used to whine because I thought I served for nothing, but now I feel contented that I've served for something.

Something precious, to be exact.

~ASA~

The Changes We Don't Want

What if I tell you that having absolute control of your life is merely a myth? What if I tell you that the false notion of having a perfect life is just as dangerous as throwing yourself into a lion's lair? What if I tell you that life is so full of unexpected changes? 

Someone's being taken away from our lives without even a slight warning, it might be the very first unexpected change that we have to face. It always starts with teeny tiny crack. And then we find ourselves missing some important opportunities due to difficult situations we can't control. That's the second one. It's impossible to rewind the time, so another teeny tiny crack of regret has just made it doubled. Last but not least, an unpredictable failure hits exactly in the middle, the crack spreads to the whole surface, until it's broken into pieces. Pain and loss aren’t just obstacles, but those are the certain changes in life.

But dear, let me ask you a question: will you survive?

I talked to an old friend few days ago. From our long deep conversation, I realized how much he has changed. And he told me he’s glad that I’ve changed to be a better version of me. It was the moment when I flashbacked every single unwanted change that forced us to step out from our comfortable shells.

We went through the same pain in the past. It’s hard to decide who suffered more, but most of all, suffering is not a competition, so why would we bother? We went through heartbreaks—not only once—but even if it’s just once, it’s all it takes to change someone drastically. We went through failures, bad times and hardships. Those unpredictable changes broke us apart, but we tried to assemble, collect all the pieces and make some conscious changes to go against those uncontrollable changes, because there’s no way we’re stuck in the place we’re not meant to be.

I used to be a submissive person back then. Whatever the ‘fate’ declared, I would just accept it wholeheartedly. When I injured my finger a week before my violin examination, I could do nothing except following the change and letting myself drift away. When failure hit me, I told myself, it’s my fault. I had to deal with it. It was the first. Secondly, I failed a subject in university and it was because I was so ignorant to pay much attention during lectures. When failure hit for the second time, how I wish I was told to be prepared. But that was not the end of the world, and I believe, it was the time I had to make a huge conscious change to break free from the shells that were tied to those irritating unwanted changes.

Changes are painful—both predictable and unpredictable ones. Apparently, the idea of change is scarier than anything in the world because we have to fight against that fear of unfamiliarity and the unknown. However, worry doesn’t make us strong, it’s how we usually get defeated instead. Therefore, if life is so full of uncertainty, why won’t we take that one brave shot out of our comfort zone and gamble for a (who knows) turning point? Won’t it be much more fun?

Changes are painful, but the pain is what changes us. Then, during the shot, we’ll discover that the journey itself is just half the fun. What has been broken, wouldn't be easily mended. Even if it didn't return to its original shape, it's okay as long as we survived. And the pain will eventually show us that we are capable of enduring what we thought we weren’t. Once we break free, we’re stronger than we used to be.

Thus, waste no time for worries. Changes are what we need. We don’t have to wait for things to get incredibly bad until we decide to make a conscious change in our lives. And those changes, we can always start from Toastmasters, because that’s also where I started mine.

(This is going to be another story to share, so see you next update; although my project ends here but I promise myself to keep updating the blog because I love writing more than anything else).

-ASA-

Moments of Strength in Weaknesses

NB: It’s going to be a long post, included recent terrifying yet amazing hiking experience.

“Asking for help is a sign of fragility and incapability. Reaching for someone’s hand to hold makes us weak and leaning into another person is something to be ashamed of.”

I don’t know since when I had been living in this mindset and constantly feeling pathetic, if I had to grab a hand when I was about to fall. Was it because of the idea of how glamorous independence could be? Or was it because this one little monster called ego that hides in our deepest soul?

If you don’t know, neither do I. However, I think the cause doesn’t really matter anymore after knowing the fact that it’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to hold hands when the whole world shakes. Because that’s what makes us humane.

I flew away from home to pursue my dreams when I was sixteen. It’s been the ninth year and I get used to surviving alone. It was such a pride to handle everything by myself, I needed almost no one. That was the reason why I was so unfamiliar with the term “asking for help”, because I thought I was competent enough not to fall apart.

A trip to Mount Sibayak last week allowed me to see things differently. I used to hike quite a few times in the past: Broga Hill, Apek Hill, Mount Ijen, Twin Peaks and so on, with a small group of people, with very little help to get to the top, but never in a bad weather. You may think that I am exaggerating the whole story, that it was just an overstatement, but at least, it was my honest feeling.

It was one or two hours past midnight. The forest was as dark as a dungeon, the light came only from our headlamps. I was okay with darkness, but I was never okay with that muddy, loamy layer above the forest floor, providing I wasn’t wearing proper hiking shoes. I freaked out when I slipped and right beside me was a dark abyss with no visible end. Two friends of mine helped me out from the mud, pulled both of my hands and I finally stepped on a solid ground, still struggled to balance myself and jumped over a huge chunk of tree which was on my way. I was terrified. If they hadn’t been there, I would have probably left the earth forever.

The second trial was when we were about to reach the peak. There was a slope of approximately 70 degrees vertical, required us to climb with both hands. I was stuck in the middle with my legs far apart. I still hesitated to ask for help, maybe I could just, you know, make it by myself. However, one wrong movement, I found myself sliding down without control. It was when finally I shouted a name, but he was up there trying hard to rescue another person. I stayed in a torturing position for almost 5 minutes, but by far it felt like the longest time I’ve ever waited in my life, until finally someone came and reached out his hand. With one vigorous pull, I was up there. I survived another trial, but wasn’t so ready for the next one.

My whole body was shaking, not because I was exhausted, but because I was so frightened. For few seconds when I was hanging on that slope, some precious moments in my life flashed before my eyes, so I thought I was really going to die. I was even sure that I had gone pale, until a friend asked, “Are you okay?” not only once. Maybe several times, I couldn’t be sure because all I could hear clearly was only my own extraordinarily loud heartbeats.

About fifteen minutes was it took to tame my fear. I tried the hardest to gather every last piece of courage that I had to continue the climb. But this time, I wouldn’t hesitate to ask for help. Everything turned to be much easier.

Before 5 am, we reached the peak and it was the most ecstatic moment in my life. The sky was like a giant page of a fairytale book. Full of stars. They’re blazing, breaking the darkness apart. It was when I felt much, much alive. And down there, the city was made of lights. When the sun rose, all I could feel was gratitude to witness another beautiful day. I made sure that I captured all those amazing sceneries in my mind and I would keep them for a long, long time. In addition, I would keep them with all the smiles I gathered from all those beautiful people up there.

Pic 1. Sunrise From the Peak of Sibayak

                             

Pic 2. With Beautiful People I adore

When I reflected and realized what happened on the Mountain, for the first time in my life, I didn’t feel miserable when I asked for help. I felt that I have stepped and leveled up to be a little wiser to acknowledge that there’s no way I could do everything by myself. Those terrifying moments up there turned to be the moments of strength in weaknesses. But wait, did I regret?

Never even once, because I figured out an important lesson I couldn’t find anywhere else: We don’t have to feel sorry for acknowledging our humanness, something we all share.

Moreover, I started to realize how those experiences connect to my Toastmasters journey. Being a club president doesn’t mean I have to do everything alone. For all these times, I keep being supported by my committees and how I was such a fool for not realizing it earlier.

I probably wrote this for my future self, when I need to be constantly reminded, not feeling okay doesn’t always mean vulnerable. To those souls out there, you’re not a burden when you have tried hard but you still need someone to be strong. If we have to hold on to someone, cry on their shoulders, to put our feet together, it’s absolutely fine too because…

Humans are made to help one another with the arms wide open. That’s how we find strength in all of our weaknesses.

-ASA-

A Poem : Slip Away

There would be times when we had to go through the hardest phase in our life in order to evolve into an individual attributed with higher level of maturity. And most of the time, this phase doesn't merely happen once. It's on our replay list all the time without us knowing how to be numb. But I guess, instead of wondering why, it's always a perfect way for us to learn to be wise. 

So I wrote a poem about letting go.

The wind blows, a whisper

would bring us hope

Calm is the sea,

Gentle is the kiss of the wave on the ocean

but the sea-bird, struck by lightning

could there be a bright summer day?

without a storm 

breaking the dawn.

You and I are destined

to be inseparable

You and I,

nights and days, darkness and stars, love and wound,

pleasure and pain.

But what if they told us,

that's one last chance to feel alive?

That day when the wind blows again,

leaves are falling,

Have they just died

Fighting to stay intact

So go grab them by the hand

Hold them tight, don't let them touch the ground

Just to know that

Have they just died

Twice.

Darling, you killed them

Little did you know

The tighter you hold onto

The more misery you put them to

It reminds me of you,

the pain that consumes your heart.

Falling leaves, frail and crumbled

Let them slip away

Let your heart heal and be set free

For some answers need no grasp

A storm knows no limit

A broken song sung on a colossal stage

But at least,

you and I now know how to rhyme.

-ASA-

Soak and Drown

Being the reason of someone’s happiness, even if it’s just for a moment is a precious feeling. I love seeing, or if it’s possible, making people smile, because there’s something about smiling that brings out the best in individuals. For the same reason, I surround myself with those people who always try to make my days brighter and my nights warmer. I really love to be around those who constantly add sweet flavor into my dark chocolate ice cream. So, let me share the lesson I learnt through my sharing session with a beautiful individual who always lifts up others and helps as many people as possible bloom to their fullest potential.

One of my closest friends in my home club in Toastmasters, a passionate soul, dedicated educator, a kind-hearted woman with all of her imperfections and quirks, but somehow always manages to be an exemplary leader for everyone. Just like the meaning of her name, she’s a blazing honeycomb-yellow sun, born naturally with leading personalities. That evening, when we’re out for dinner, she taught me valuable lesson that I couldn’t find anywhere else, especially since we’re both are educators. It’s been quite some time since I had such memorable talk with someone and I felt content for many reasons I can’t elaborate.

She’s well-known and well-loved amongst kids. Not only because she’s motherly, but also because she has the capability of spreading joy and nurturing others into the best individuals alive. No wonder she’s loved. No wonder she’s beautiful. However the main ingredient to produce such great impact on those little monsters whom we called blessings might look simple but practically not so.

It’s love. It’s all about love. Pure. Wholeheartedly.

“I am even willing to roll on the floor with those kids, get my shirt dirty. I’m willing to do whatever I’m capable of to make them learn happily. None of them would ever heard something negative out of my mouth because positive words are the key to every locked door.” She said with an expression I almost couldn’t guess, but I’m pretty sure, it’s passion.

I was scratching my head, feeling astonished to know how someone’s able to pour so much love to whom she works for. Yes, she’s definitely not working for the school, but she’s working for better generation. A labor of love. A type of love that sometimes can’t be understood, where it overflows through our whole blood vessel and fills our system with euphoria and agony at the same time. Such a nonsense, but it exists.

“It’s easy to provide knowledge to them, but not just everyone can win their hearts. At the time we decided to jump into education field, we have to make sure that we soak ourselves and get drown—drown to the deepest point because there’s no way out. We have to do it wholeheartedly.”

They said, words are more powerful than any weapon on earth. The positive influence of words can reach millions of hearts and minds. Those words of hers that day have been ringing continuously and probably they’re going to stay for a long long time with me. Thus, I took time to reflect and found out that I had been living my life dishonestly.

Have I really soaked myself? Has it been deep enough? Have I done it right?

It’s never too late to get drown and love our lives wholeheartedly, it’s not only about the things we do, but also about those people around us. Give a full effort in everything, treat everyone with the same respect, love without restraint and reciprocation, because in the end of the day, those beautiful smiles of theirs would always be our most cherished memory.

-ASA-

Bridge of Mistakes

There are times when we make decisions that we aren’t proud of. No one likes to screw up and I guess, every of us wishes to make the right decision, one hundred percent of the time. Especially, living in a culture that glorify perfectionism, only two possible choices await in life: crossing the bridge by making one precise shot or not crossing at all and being a total failure. However, after a sharing session with one dedicated Toastmasters member, Robin, I realized that the mixture of both choices, somehow, makes an absolute great pair, just like seafood and Champagne or fried chicken and beer. And to our surprise, those bad mistakes we’ve made a few apparently turn to be the bridge.

Just for a few slices of background information, Robin is a businessman who has particular interest in networking and investment. One of the reasons why I possess a huge curiosity to interview him was because, like everybody else, he committed several mistakes too, even repeatedly but as I watched him grow, I am constantly fascinated by how prudent he has always been in terms of handling bad outcomes.

“I did regret a lot when I made my first few mistakes, but now as I look back, it wasn’t probably the right thing to do. So, what would I do, once an opportunity passed and I failed it, I’d try to look at another new thing.”

Those solid statements of his hit me, as I used to keep looking at the wreckage I made whenever I jumped into bad decisions and hate myself for what I’ve caused. But then, if only we tried one more time to bundle up those mistakes, stash them into our locked memory and look at things in a new perspective, there could be new opportunities behind those mistakes.

To add on, according to him, for the opportunities to come, understanding the cause is what we need the most instead of just mourning for the wrong track we took. When we are able to accept and understand our mistakes, that’s when we can turn them into opportunities.

“Just like how we pronounce this word ‘catastrophe’, there’s the word ‘trophy’ in ‘catastrophe’. So long story short, if I had not failed in my previous business, I wouldn’t have started this one. That is also why our little choices, even if they’re mistakes, they’re connected to what we’re today.”

To me, it sounds much like a blessing in disguise and also a chain reaction. Giving me new beautiful perspective, instead of locking up his mistakes in his deepest memory, he made use of them by building a bridge to cross for another new thing that might bring him success.

Afterall, to continue walking on the bridge could be scary, but at the same time it’s the place where we can reevaluate, restart, and cross to the other side. Life will throw so many things at us, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t able to handle the storms. It’s okay to make mistakes and it’s up to us whether or not we build the bridge.

-ASA-

A Masterpiece, Bursts in Colours

I used to describe a person in one specific colour, because it's easier to paint a picture of someone rather than to characterize him words by words. Well, not talking about skin colour obviously, but it's the colour that's displayed based on personality and attitude.

In 2017, when I first joined my home club in Toastmasters, I couldn't help but judged the other members based on colours too. That tall tidy guy with pomade hair and glasses, he has the colour of silver which describes elegance, wisdom, responsibility and dignity. That young girl who is still a student in a university, she has the colour of red which reflects bravery, passion and a very strong energy to learn. That athletic guy who speaks in a sophisticated accent showed a bright yellow colour as a representative of how a human being can be so intellectual, open-minded and attractive.

So, I saw them in colours. But generally, in just single colour. That was how I perceived people in general but then more and more details would come up after being trapped in an awkwardly beautiful connection called friendship.

As time passed by, it's not hard to get attached with one another after learning about and receiving each other's flaws. I was amazed on how we could build such strong bonding within a very short span of time. The road we're walking on isn't always smooth. We had disagreement and misunderstanding sometimes, but that bumpy road led us to be stronger, especially when we're finally willing to compromise. Gradually, I realized these people in my home club, they exist in more than just single colour because each of them is a masterpiece that bursts in colours. Even more than dozens of colours. And that's just how fascinating a human being can be.

Apart from always looking steady and professional, they taught me that it's totally fine if we messed up sometimes. Craving for love desperately today and having a desire of being alone the next day, it's understandable somehow. And by the time we run way too fast until we can't catch our breath, it's absolutely not a sin to slow down.

Just like them, you and I are not simply red, silver or yellow. We're not always static, we don't follow the same path. People learn throughout time and experience for continual growth and discovery ups and downs, it's just cruel to imprison them in one colour. Most often the case is, we get so disappointed when they don't appear as the colour we perceived.

But again, let's remind ourselves that we're not just happy or angry. There are numerous emotions running through our head, that's how splendid it is. We don't always know what we want and where we're headed and amazingly, it is fine too because our complex emotions, imperfection and vulnerability turn us to be a masterpiece.

And I guess, I am one of the luckiest because my home club is a non-judgemental community where I am free to burst in colours and watch them burst too.

That's how usually love starts.

-ASA-

The Flower That Blooms

I entered college when I was sixteen years old and graduated before I turned twenty. My entire life was a preconceived structure that had been set to certain goal, to certain time, where I was told to graduate before 21, get my first job before 23, get married before 25 and have my first child before 30.

And there I was, wondering if being on track to those numbers would deliver contentment. So there I was, questioning why everything in life has to be measured by numbers and why we couldn't free our sole existence from the rule established by the society: if we don't do something that should have been done at certain time or certain age, we're going to be trapped in a label of incompetence. It's how it gets started: we begin to compare our timelines to other people's timelines.

However, annual sunflowers sprout quickly, within seven to ten days, but it is necessary to wait for about 2 months before the bright flowers appear in shade of yellow, bronze, orange, red and brown. Lilies bloom within 18 months before they would spread their magical and sweet fragrance that resembles spicy bubblegum. And my favourite flower, rarely blooms the first year after planting. Only after 3 years, we could finally cheer on the glorious arrival of dazzling peonies with their spectacular display of colours, unbridled petals and delicate, intoxicating fragrance.

For all those facts I've stolen somewhere on the internet, what I had neglected all the time was even flowers bloom at different pace with incomparable charm. And one most important thing: they still bloom anyway.

Toastmasters is a garden full of flowers where diversity is real. I was amazed by how some flowers bloom at early stage with all their humbleness and some might bloom late but then truly cherish their long-awaited accomplishment. It was remarkable considering how life doesn't always what it seems, where looking accomplish is more important than being an accomplished person. Nonetheless, people in Toastmasters taught me that life is never a racing game.

So it's when I discovered, there is no way that our journey would mimic the journey of others as ours will be filled by its own exclusivity. We bloom exclusively with different dirt on our branches, different proportion of sunlight and different kisses of the insects' that come and go. We're allowed to follow our own timelines instead of letting others rush us to bloom.

It's okay to set our own deadlines as long as it serves aspirations to keep us blooming. But afterall, at this very moment, we're the one who formulate our distinct journey because our existence is all about living the moments. Everything else comes later.

In the end of the day, you and I, will always be the flower that blooms. Let's have faith in our own timing.

-ASA-

La Vie En Rose

I decided to bring this topic up for some reasons that might be too long to be elaborated. So, let me just keep it short. La vie en rose, a French phrase that could be translated to "life through pink tinted glasses", depicts a state of bliss where everything appears cheerful, to the person who wears the glasses, obviously. And in this case, I want it to be me because I have wasted almost my entire life whining about the things I couldn't change. So this time, allow me to sprinkle a pinch of positivism to neutralise all the negative ingredients on a giant plate called life.

It's beautiful to remind each other that when we change the way we look at things, that's how the things we look at change.

It's easy to be happy when everything in life goes well. Anyway, life itself is a constant journey of discovery. Although it's hard to accept, the journey isn't always pretty. It includes suffering, failure, doubts and most of the time, fear. It's full of a big fat mess of heartbreaks and betrayals, hence making us believe that happiness is abstract. Oh yes, it is indeed abstract.

Nonetheless, it's just miraculous to find that it's not entirely abstract since happiness depends on the way we look at things.

Let's take an example of how I spent more than two years regretting my decision of coming back to this town. I hated every part of it: the culture, where the youngsters have to be completely submissive; the traffic where hundreds of cars are stuck in the middle of intersection; and even the people, who define rudeness as some kind of achievement. How I wished I had been clever enough to make judgement for myself. How I wished I had never stepped on this forest full of "wild animals". How I wished I had been wiser.

Apart from those regrets, there's this one remorse of mine coming up later: I wished I had been seeing things differently.

For almost two years, I let myself immerse in my own scepticism. I was so frightened that I would change myself into one of those people I hated, so I drew back and stopped giving myself a shot. But slowly, as I met new great people in Toastmasters, I realised that I had been seeing things in a misguided way.

So I tried to put on those rose-tinted glasses and change the way I see things. Inevitably, a vague shape of happiness forms on that plate, leaving me in an awe. Happiness is no longer abstract for me, it is just a matter of perspective.

I no longer suffer and deny that I should have been in a better place, instead I accepted the reality that I had to move on, live and love my life to the fullest despite the pain, which eventually makes me feel much, much alive.

Just like me, I hope you find joy amidst your broken days. I hope that your heart collects itself whenever it gets broken and learns to love again. I hope you can see life through rose-tinted glasses.

La Vie En Rose.

-ASA-