Death

Hi blog, I know it's not a nice topic to be discussed. I just can't help myself not to think about it since I heard a bad news about my high school friend. It's been around a week since I knew someone's passed away in an accident, and sadly, he's my high school friend.

I may say that we're not close enough to be considered as "friend". I just knew him and he knew me. That's it. We never even said "hi" to each other when we fortuitously met at the school's corridor. We were in different class, different environment and anything happened to him actually was not my business.Well, no offense, I never meant anything, but it's just I did not feel any "lost" feeling. It was mean though.

However, I keep sensing something really weird inside here, my heart, which I really don't know why I do, I just know that if there was a thing I have always been really afraid of, it would be death.

Just thinking that if the accident happened to me, or to people which are close to me and to whom I love so much, I would not know how I react (well um, if it happened to me, then I would not even have a chance to react, I guess), but sure yeah, I am really scared of death. I tried to find the reason, is it because I am not faithful enough to my religion? (I mean is it related to hell and heaven thing?)

No, obviously it's not. I have my belief. I have religion. I believe in God. My teacher told me that if I believe in God, I should not be afraid of anything, including death. I know it. In God, what we are supposed to be afraid of?

Nothing. We are too strong to be defeated.

Well, I have guts to say that, but I just do not brave enough to say that I am ready to die. Anytime. Anywhere. Just think about it, about my high school friend, he was still 18 years old that time. Suddenly death approached him and took his soul away. Same thing happened to my primary school friend. Long time ago, when I was 9 years old, I heard that he had passed away because of malaria. It's just kinda too soon. I mean, you just saw him playing around you, joking and laughing together with you until suddenly you heard that he was dead. Well, it's undeniable shocking, right?

I almost experienced it. The death, I mean. It happened when I was 7 or 8 years old. I fainted for many times. First time (it was still a mystery how it could happen to me), I fainted when I was taking bath with my sister. Okay, you may laugh, but we used to take bath together, and hey, we were still little kids that time! No worries =), I suffered from convulsions. I would have bit my tongue off if my father had not put something into my mouth for me to bite. Hence, they brought me to hospital. They placed me in "ICU" with the "electrocardiogram" thing attached to my body.

When I was eventually aware, I did not even remember a thing. I did not have idea why I was lying down there with many weird equipments attached to my body. They said I was fainted for 3 hours. They were all crying for me. I did not really really have idea why they cried. Did they think I would die that time? Well, to be honest, I felt that I was dying that time. I could not even feel anything. Cold, pain and suffering, what were those all? I could hear nothing also. I felt like I had been already dead that time.

And when I finally woke up, I felt like my brain was empty. I could not even find a word to speak out. I did not have enough energy to talk either. And I still remember that  something was choking my throat, kind of medical thing, I did not know what was that, I just remembered the feel when that thing was stuck to my throat. It's so damn painful!

And not only that. I fainted again in front of my primary school. Twice.

Hell, I don't even want to imagine how if I experience it again!

Now, remembering all those things I had been through, gives me that feeling. I AM SCARED OF DEATH, literally.

Sometimes I remember my brother, Rico, who had passed away years ago. If I had really died that time, I would have met him. Well, it's not the kind of meeting that I really want. I could not imagine also, how my mom would be if she lost her 2 kids, it surely would be too much pain for her to hold back. Now, I am so grateful that actually God is still loving me. He wants me to stay alive, to make my mom happy. God, you know, I love my mom so much although I always make her disappointed. I do not purposely do that. I just cannot find a way to make her happy.

Losing my brother, crying in front of my grandma's graveyard and shocking after hearing another bad news about people around me were just too enough. I just don't have any idea, why there was death in life. Will it be fairer if all people can grow old together, and finally come back to You, God, together also? Losing, sadness, woe, and fear, we will not experience them, or I should say, we will not even know what they are.

~Asa~