I love the smell of freshly brewed coffee, the feeling of driving on the empty road during daylight, spacious bedroom with huge windows attached and walking around the garden full of flowers. Yes, sun-flowers, roses, tulips, baby breaths and basically every flower. I like the feeling of taking hot shower and throwing my body on the bed after an exhausting day.
I am obsessed with poems, love songs, classical music and paintings. They are like aspirin to my soul. I love beaches and sunsets. They seem to be destined together to create a breathtaking view. I love resting my body on the top of the hills, facing the miniatures of the whole city. It feels like I own the whole world. I fancy the shower of warm sunlight on my hair during autumn. I adore mountains and their scent. Best place for stargazing.
Nonetheless, apart from all of those, my favourite is you. Yes, you. I am always captivated by your eyes. Those eyes which are full of affection and tenderness. They are so peaceful like a night sky. I do admit I get lost in there sometimes. There were times when they looked at me, they might turn shaky and strayed with thousands of silent worries and I promised myself that I would chase away those fears in your eyes.
And there you smile. I am infatuated. Those dimples on both your cheeks make me forget to breath. Those smiling eyes are my treasures too. I never get bored of them. Thus I promised myself I would draw that smile on your face because I simply love it.
I love your thick and messy hair. When it grows longer, it tickles my face often. I get very comfortable with those big warm hands of yours intertwined in mine. I like your accent when you are talking. I laugh on your jokes, even the lamest ones because I am simply entertained. I love how you care of me so much. I feel your sincerity as I am loved and treated like a princess. I adore everything about you.
At least, one thing that I know for sure. You, staying by my side, is just perfect for me. You are the most beautiful thing I have. Everything else comes later.
ASA
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
Saturday, September 12, 2015
A Selfless Love
Like a star on the dark horizon,
Like a rising sun after the gloomy winter,
Like rainbows after the pouring rain,
You taught me about tomorrow's hope.
For every tantrum I threw,
For every complaints I made,
For every misbehave I did,
Begging for love in a selfish way,
Yet you never walk away.
When life turned like a broken-winged bird,
You taught me how to dream,
But what am I,
I am just your little girl,
Seeking for places I've never expected,
Searching for things I've never seen,
No matter how far I wander,
Your love never fails me,
Because I know that you are home.
If being proud is all I can give at last,
I will make sure it will never be too late,
But it is something I can't repay,
Because that kind of love is called selfless.
PS : We are often busy growing up. Please remember, our parents are growing old too.
ASA
Like a rising sun after the gloomy winter,
Like rainbows after the pouring rain,
You taught me about tomorrow's hope.
For every tantrum I threw,
For every complaints I made,
For every misbehave I did,
Begging for love in a selfish way,
Yet you never walk away.
When life turned like a broken-winged bird,
You taught me how to dream,
But what am I,
I am just your little girl,
Seeking for places I've never expected,
Searching for things I've never seen,
No matter how far I wander,
Your love never fails me,
Because I know that you are home.
If being proud is all I can give at last,
I will make sure it will never be too late,
But it is something I can't repay,
Because that kind of love is called selfless.
PS : We are often busy growing up. Please remember, our parents are growing old too.
ASA
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
Kesempatan
"Hai teman, katamu, hidup itu adalah pertarungan. Menangkanlah.
Hai teman, kalau hidup adalah pertarungan, siapa yang akan bertarung bersamaku? Apakah kita sekutu? Ataukah kau musuhku? Mungkin yang paling buruk, apakah aku sendirian?
Hai teman, kalau hidup adalah pertarungan, bagaimana cara memenangkannya? Dimana senjataku?
Hai teman, kalau hidup memang pertarungan, tolonglah aku karena masih banyak pertanyaan-pertanyaan yang tidak bisa kujawab sendirian.
...Tapi teman, apakah aku bisa memercayaimu?"
Konyol rasanya, seorang cewek yang beranjak dewasa malah masih sibuk mencari jati dirinya. Well, bukankah seharusnya masa-masa itu sudah lama berlalu? Di satu sisi aku merasa bingung, karena nggak ada seorang pun yang pernah memperingatiku kalau "kehilangan" jati diri nggak hanya datang sekali seumur hidup.
Awalnya aku kira, kehilangan tujuan hidup bukanlah hal yang biasa. Aku pikir aku kalah. Bermacam-macam pertanyaan menggema di kepalaku hampir setiap malam. Tapi kemudian aku sadar kalau aku bukanlah satu-satunya orang yang masih mengais-ngais untuk menemukan impian yang nyata. Masih banyak orang di luar sana yang bahkan nggak berani bermimpi karena takut terjatuh dan akhirnya terluka parah. Atau yang lebih buruknya, sebagian dari mereka terlarut dalam zona nyaman dan nggak menyadari kalau sebenarnya mereka tersesat.
Aku bersyukur aku kehilangan arah untuk melangkah, karena akhirnya aku diberi kesempatan untuk mencari dan menemukan diriku sendiri. Aku nggak bisa bilang aku sudah memenangkan pertarungan, but I am certain that I am on my way there. Mungkin aku masih terlalu muda untuk mengajari tentang hidup, tapi biarkan aku membagikan jawaban dari pertanyaan-pertanyaan yang sempat nggak terlihat jalan keluarnya.
1. Pentingnya spiritualisme
Kalau aku nggak memutuskan untuk merantau sendirian ke ibukota, mungkin aku nggak akan mengerti seberapa pentingnya nilai spiritualisme dalam hidupku. Saat teman-teman lain punya kehidupan yang terlihat menyenangkan, aku harus struggle memikirkan menu makan malamku, kapan aku punya waktu untuk membersihkan toiletku atau merapikan lemari bajuku dan juga meringis setiap kali merogoh kantong untuk mengisi bensin, membayar biaya parkir dan masuk tol. Baru sekarang aku mengerti pribahasa, lebih besar pasak daripada tiang.
Di saat teman-teman lain sedang berkumpul dengan anggota keluarga mereka, jangan tanya apakah aku iri karena itu jelas pertanyaan retoris. Bagi kalian yang tinggal sendirian, aku yakin kalian merasa kesepian walaupun punya banyak teman yang selalu siap diajak nongkrong bersama. Nggak ada salahnya kita "kabur" melalui jalan spiritualisme, "nongkrong" bareng Sang Pencipta. Selain merasa tenang, aku yakin kita nggak lagi merasa kesepian. Saat itu jugalah, kita sadar bahwa sejak lama kita sudah mempunyai sekutu dalam pertarungan kita.
2. Pikiran adalah senjata
Menjadi seseorang yang positif dalam keadaan yang penuh tekanan bukanlah hal yang sangat mungkin dilakukan. Kalau untukku, malah nyaris mustahil, apalagi mengingat aku dibesarkan di keluarga yang serba negatif. Percayalah, untuk memenangkan pertarungan, pikiran positif adalah senjata yang paling ampuh. Whether the battle is tough or not, it depends on the way you look at it. It's the matter of perception.
Aku kenal baik dengan seseorang yang punya pikiran sangat positif. Aku selalu bilang, "Hari jumat masih lama. Aku udah capek kerja."
Dengan santai, dia membalas, "Sabar ya, kan udah hari selasa. Sebentar lagi weekend."
Aku terpana mendengar jawaban itu. Di dalam pikiranku, aku selalu mengeluh, "masih hari selasa," tapi seseorang yang positif seharusnya berpikir, "udah hari selasa."
Saat itu aku merasa malu pada diriku sendiri. Hidup itu sulit, tapi kenapa aku masih mempersulit hidupku sendiri dengan menolak berpikiran positif? Thanks to him, karena sekarang aku menemukan senjata untuk memenangkan pertarunganku.
3. Berhenti membanding-bandingkan
Setiap orang memiliki masa sulit yang berbeda-beda. Lagipula, apa yang kelihatan di luar belum tentu seindah yang di dalam. Ditambah lagi, pengaruh dari social media yang menimbulkan kecemburuan massal, wajar aja hidup kita nggak tenang dan dipenuhi keinginan untuk mengikuti perkembangan jaman.
Apapun yang terjadi, bersyukur dalam segala hal, mulai dari yang terkecil adalah kunci dari setiap masalah. Daripada membanding-bandingkan diri sendiri dengan orang lain dan harus hidup dalam keinginan untuk melebihi yang lainnya, kenapa nggak mencoba untuk menjadi versi yang lebih baik dari diri kita yang lama?
Hai teman, hidup sebenarnya adalah pertarungan dengan diri kita sendiri.
4. Memfilter setiap perkataan
Dalam pertarungan kita, kadang kita nggak mengerti siapa yang harus kita percaya. Ada bermacam-macam jenis manusia di dunia ini. Dunia yang dulunya terlihat sempit, sekarang entah kenapa berubah jadi luas dan asing. Menyenangkan rasanya kalau bisa punya banyak teman yang mendorong kita untuk bisa lebih baik. Tapi, gimana rasanya kalau ternyata kita malah terdorong ke bawah dan lupa caranya bangkit?
Ada komentar-komentar orang lain yang nggak pantas didengarkan. Kalau kita saja bisa iri melihat kehidupan orang lain, aku yakin banyak orang yang iri melihat kehidupan kita. But guys, you can't please everyone. Aura negatif bisa masuk darimana saja, walaupun aura itu telah dikemas rapi dalam guyonan-guyonan penuh arti. Jadilah seseorang yang cerdas, yang teguh pendiriannya dan nggak terpengaruh dengan serangan-serangan tersebut. Mungkin juga, ada kalanya kita membalas serangan tersebut, bak di pertarungan yang sesungguhnya. Tapi sekali lagi, hidup adalah pertarungan dengan diri kita sendiri, bukan orang lain.
Untuk kalian yang sedang tersesat, jangan takut. Aku pun sama. Aku yakin, kita bisa belajar untuk menemukan diri kita sendiri dan memenangkan pertarungan kita.
Karena hidup bukan semata-mata pertarungan. Hidup adalah tempat untuk kita "tersesat" dan menemukan jati diri kita.
NB: I constantly tell myself not to fight back those attacks. I know I have to be more patient and positive, because that's actually the way to win. I might have failed but I will try. Please keep reminding me.
ASA
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
A strong-minded woman
Hi all, it's been awhile since I last blogged. I always write whenever I have something in my mind, most likely a burden to me, so that at least I would be relieved by sharing it to you all. I know it's not really a good idea because people do judge, they tend to think how I really love to complain so much. Actually, I do want people who read my writings find a lesson, so that they won't be repeating the same mistake like I did. Well, I have this dream since I was in junior high school, that I could someday bless people with my writings. And I hope, it's not merely a dream.
Just yesterday, I read an article with title "Why All Men Cheat on Loyal Women" written by Kevin Hart, you can google it or find it in wordpress of course. Well, since this article was written by a male, I guess he understands the circumstances a lot, so other males would not complain about how the article was written just to only please females and make them demand more from their partner. Admit it, you guys must be fed-up when reading an article written by females with title "100 things that gentlemen should do" or bla bla bla. Anyway, I guess, the article I mentioned above previously deserves attention from both men and women.
One thing written there made me realise how important it is to be a strong-minded woman. Being a strong-minded woman doesn't necessarily mean being stubborn, prideful or superior. No one likes this kind of woman, I bet. I realised a thing from my previous relationship, how I used to be so insecure and weak. I've just noticed this when I read the article yesterday. I used to be truly inferior, I never realised how much I worth, I let others hurt me again and again, thinking that I had to be real strong to endure the pain. But then I felt like I was getting slapped right in my face. Hello, I was not strong at all by giving others chance to disrespect me. I was really WEAK for letting myself fall into insecurity, treating my partner as if he was a KING and making myself think that LOVE needs SACRIFICE. It's kinda embarrassing though. I am actually a very stubborn and determined kind of person but I had this wrong perception about love. I used to think that whenever you love someone, anything else doesn't matter. You might be hurt, you might feel really horrible, you might cry a river, as long as you could make your partner happy, you would find your happiness as well. Crap, don't ever, ever, ever believe in something like that, I am telling you now. It is so TRUE that sacrifice is essential in love relationship, it's not wrong at all. But come to think of it, what kind of sacrifice is it? Are you really willing to do it for the rest of your life? Are you sacrificing alone? You know, having a relationship is a win-win situation. You make yourself happy first, then only you can make your partner happy. If there is only a person trying her/his ass off to keep the relationship whereas the other side has no intention of making effort, it's just useless. The boat would crack and eventually it would be sunken into the deepest ocean. Still wanna be a heroine who tried her best to save those two hearts at once? No, thanks, once is more than enough since nothing actually could be saved. And you would know, it is the time to wave goodbye to the wrong one so that you can experience a new hello :)
Remember, if you have fixed your heart and mind, learn to be a strong-minded woman, you will be ready for the new hello. I kept telling myself that I should love myself first in order to love others. I have to fulfil myself first in order to find a new love. My previous relationship taught me a lot about being strong and loyal, so even though it could be a mistake but it is something that made me move closer to the kind of woman I want to be. I won't regret it.
To conclude, a strong-minded woman is basically a confident, intelligent and independent individual who knows how WORTHY she is as a human being. She won't let others hurt her or disrespect her. She has her own meaning of love. She knows when to forgive and let go. She understands when to be tough and when to give in. She won't compromise liar and cheater just because she loves him so much. She loves herself first and makes herself happy. Only then she can do the same thing to others. It is not as simple as it is written here, but trying is not a sin, no?
To all guys out there, please tell her how valuable she is. Tell her if she's being weak and insecure. Treat her well like she's a queen if you want to be treated like a king. Do apologise first if you know you're wrong, throwing away your pride for good doesn't kill at all. If she can't leave you even after you hurt her so bad, tell her so, tell her to leave you just like he did to me because sometimes girls never realise how much stupid sacrifice they have made. Thanks to him, I am now a better me. I have finally understood the thing that he told me "you would understand someday". Thanks to him for saying "you deserve better". Thanks.
To all girls out there, I know I am not old or experienced enough to tell you this, but let's grow to be a strong-minded woman who is mentally mature and has integrity. If you're not happy in your relationship, or if you're always putting your partner's happiness before yours and you feel tortured by doing so, examine yourself first and discuss it with your partner. If he can't take it, then just leave it. You are worthy and demanding more than you could imagine. Find a man who knows your value, who respects you and who is willing to grow together in faith. You deserve the best.
ASA
Just yesterday, I read an article with title "Why All Men Cheat on Loyal Women" written by Kevin Hart, you can google it or find it in wordpress of course. Well, since this article was written by a male, I guess he understands the circumstances a lot, so other males would not complain about how the article was written just to only please females and make them demand more from their partner. Admit it, you guys must be fed-up when reading an article written by females with title "100 things that gentlemen should do" or bla bla bla. Anyway, I guess, the article I mentioned above previously deserves attention from both men and women.
One thing written there made me realise how important it is to be a strong-minded woman. Being a strong-minded woman doesn't necessarily mean being stubborn, prideful or superior. No one likes this kind of woman, I bet. I realised a thing from my previous relationship, how I used to be so insecure and weak. I've just noticed this when I read the article yesterday. I used to be truly inferior, I never realised how much I worth, I let others hurt me again and again, thinking that I had to be real strong to endure the pain. But then I felt like I was getting slapped right in my face. Hello, I was not strong at all by giving others chance to disrespect me. I was really WEAK for letting myself fall into insecurity, treating my partner as if he was a KING and making myself think that LOVE needs SACRIFICE. It's kinda embarrassing though. I am actually a very stubborn and determined kind of person but I had this wrong perception about love. I used to think that whenever you love someone, anything else doesn't matter. You might be hurt, you might feel really horrible, you might cry a river, as long as you could make your partner happy, you would find your happiness as well. Crap, don't ever, ever, ever believe in something like that, I am telling you now. It is so TRUE that sacrifice is essential in love relationship, it's not wrong at all. But come to think of it, what kind of sacrifice is it? Are you really willing to do it for the rest of your life? Are you sacrificing alone? You know, having a relationship is a win-win situation. You make yourself happy first, then only you can make your partner happy. If there is only a person trying her/his ass off to keep the relationship whereas the other side has no intention of making effort, it's just useless. The boat would crack and eventually it would be sunken into the deepest ocean. Still wanna be a heroine who tried her best to save those two hearts at once? No, thanks, once is more than enough since nothing actually could be saved. And you would know, it is the time to wave goodbye to the wrong one so that you can experience a new hello :)
Remember, if you have fixed your heart and mind, learn to be a strong-minded woman, you will be ready for the new hello. I kept telling myself that I should love myself first in order to love others. I have to fulfil myself first in order to find a new love. My previous relationship taught me a lot about being strong and loyal, so even though it could be a mistake but it is something that made me move closer to the kind of woman I want to be. I won't regret it.
To conclude, a strong-minded woman is basically a confident, intelligent and independent individual who knows how WORTHY she is as a human being. She won't let others hurt her or disrespect her. She has her own meaning of love. She knows when to forgive and let go. She understands when to be tough and when to give in. She won't compromise liar and cheater just because she loves him so much. She loves herself first and makes herself happy. Only then she can do the same thing to others. It is not as simple as it is written here, but trying is not a sin, no?
To all guys out there, please tell her how valuable she is. Tell her if she's being weak and insecure. Treat her well like she's a queen if you want to be treated like a king. Do apologise first if you know you're wrong, throwing away your pride for good doesn't kill at all. If she can't leave you even after you hurt her so bad, tell her so, tell her to leave you just like he did to me because sometimes girls never realise how much stupid sacrifice they have made. Thanks to him, I am now a better me. I have finally understood the thing that he told me "you would understand someday". Thanks to him for saying "you deserve better". Thanks.
To all girls out there, I know I am not old or experienced enough to tell you this, but let's grow to be a strong-minded woman who is mentally mature and has integrity. If you're not happy in your relationship, or if you're always putting your partner's happiness before yours and you feel tortured by doing so, examine yourself first and discuss it with your partner. If he can't take it, then just leave it. You are worthy and demanding more than you could imagine. Find a man who knows your value, who respects you and who is willing to grow together in faith. You deserve the best.
ASA
Friday, March 14, 2014
My only wish
Hi all, it's March again in 2014. The time passed really quick, I feel suffocated somehow. My honours year is going to end soon, but I am still dying settling my stupid experiment. I failed frequently in my lab work, had not-so-good mark for my assignment and faced ups and downs psychologically. I am still hoping that I can graduate with that grade I have been expecting though, at the other side, I am frighten of having too high expectation. People are looking at me as someone who is very cheerful, flexible, confident and determined. How I hope it is true.
Anyway, this is not the main thing I would like to share. The only thought that I have right now is about someone who used to be so important to me. I understand people that often realised how important a person could be after she/he lost him/her. No, I am not talking about myself this time. I am talking about someone. As I told you before, I feel really happy and contented right now. I have somehow found my happiness. I have found someone else who cares of me so much, who can love me the way I am and whom I love the most as well. I am really grateful to find someone like him, really. Some people could think that I moved on too fast, but well that's a joke. A HUGE JOKE. They don't even know how hard it was to have your heart broken into pieces. They have no idea how suffering it was to fix those broken pieces. They just don't know. I was even thinking that I would never be able to move on. Well, it's true that I have settled my feeling and it did not take only a night or two. It felt like it took forever. To tell you the truth, some people just can't be forgotten. They remain in your heart. You will always remember them no matter what, but you just know, there is no more love left.
I worry about him sometimes. He, who always acted cool as if nothing happened. I knew he just realised how important a person is after she left. I knew he went through such sleepless nights just like what I had been through. However, there are things that I want him to know. I want him to be happy, just like how happy I feel right now. I don't want him to regret. I want him to love someone again, deeply and seriously. No games played. If he can finally find his happiness again in the near future, how I hope he can cherish it this time. No more tears. No more heartbreak. And how I hope I was the last person to draw that sorrow on his face. How I wish that I was really the last person who broke his heart and saw his tears. Please, be happy and don't ever regret.
I know that I don't have any right to say those things as everything about us has ended in such way. I regretted once, and that's enough. I hated him once, and that's more than enough. I just know that he was once important to me and I had loved him like crazy, but yes, we are never meant to be together.
We are just meant to be lesson for each other. We walk on different path right now. Stop looking back at me as I promise myself I will not ever look back. I once made him promise that he will live a better life after I left, no more nightlife, no more getting drunk at the dawn and no more tears. I wonder if he still remembers. And again, I just want to remind him not to regret for what had happened. God had put us this way to have ourselves improved. We have finally learnt to be a better version of ourselves, no? Be grateful for it, and I know he is :)
PS: I am really grateful to have met him. I could be not good enough, but I am better than I used to be. I now know the taste of heartbreak and I know how to love someone deeply. I also know how beautiful to be the first to apologise. I know how good it was to throw away my pride and ego for the sake of someone else's. Thanks to him.
ASA
Anyway, this is not the main thing I would like to share. The only thought that I have right now is about someone who used to be so important to me. I understand people that often realised how important a person could be after she/he lost him/her. No, I am not talking about myself this time. I am talking about someone. As I told you before, I feel really happy and contented right now. I have somehow found my happiness. I have found someone else who cares of me so much, who can love me the way I am and whom I love the most as well. I am really grateful to find someone like him, really. Some people could think that I moved on too fast, but well that's a joke. A HUGE JOKE. They don't even know how hard it was to have your heart broken into pieces. They have no idea how suffering it was to fix those broken pieces. They just don't know. I was even thinking that I would never be able to move on. Well, it's true that I have settled my feeling and it did not take only a night or two. It felt like it took forever. To tell you the truth, some people just can't be forgotten. They remain in your heart. You will always remember them no matter what, but you just know, there is no more love left.
I worry about him sometimes. He, who always acted cool as if nothing happened. I knew he just realised how important a person is after she left. I knew he went through such sleepless nights just like what I had been through. However, there are things that I want him to know. I want him to be happy, just like how happy I feel right now. I don't want him to regret. I want him to love someone again, deeply and seriously. No games played. If he can finally find his happiness again in the near future, how I hope he can cherish it this time. No more tears. No more heartbreak. And how I hope I was the last person to draw that sorrow on his face. How I wish that I was really the last person who broke his heart and saw his tears. Please, be happy and don't ever regret.
I know that I don't have any right to say those things as everything about us has ended in such way. I regretted once, and that's enough. I hated him once, and that's more than enough. I just know that he was once important to me and I had loved him like crazy, but yes, we are never meant to be together.
We are just meant to be lesson for each other. We walk on different path right now. Stop looking back at me as I promise myself I will not ever look back. I once made him promise that he will live a better life after I left, no more nightlife, no more getting drunk at the dawn and no more tears. I wonder if he still remembers. And again, I just want to remind him not to regret for what had happened. God had put us this way to have ourselves improved. We have finally learnt to be a better version of ourselves, no? Be grateful for it, and I know he is :)
PS: I am really grateful to have met him. I could be not good enough, but I am better than I used to be. I now know the taste of heartbreak and I know how to love someone deeply. I also know how beautiful to be the first to apologise. I know how good it was to throw away my pride and ego for the sake of someone else's. Thanks to him.
ASA
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