When everything seems to be so hard

Lately I realize that I've been so pampered all the time. I have to wake up. I am no longer my mom's little girl. I've grown up. No, not yet. I have to grow up. But I guess, being mature is not something very easy to be accomplished.

Everything seems to be very hard to me. I am just good at faking. Sure, feel free to call me a coward. I am wearing a mask. I am ugly inside and if you really can notice it, I am not as strong as you think. I am too fragile and just not ready to face the world.

The world outside is just too scary. I am not brave and tough enough to stand on my own feet. I am hurt again and again. Sometimes I just feel like hiding in my room because I am just scared that someone will hurt me again. Sometimes I just hate to love again because it is just too painful when someone has to leave me or just let me go without words. Sometimes I just feel so tired of living.

Have you heard it before? When people said, "Losing your sight is not scary, the scariest thing is when you lose your vision."

What is scarier than it? I experience it. I no longer have a vision. Why am I here? Where has the spirit gone? What is the purpose of my life? I don't know. I lost it some time ago. When it happens, everything just seems to be so hard to me. Even waking up in the morning turns to be a pain for me. I hate being alive. Forgive me for that, God.

I tried to pray, but did it work? I have no answer. I am so clueless.

I need motivation. I need somebody to ensure me that my life is worth living again and again. Once is just not enough because I have been suffering too deep in my depression. And what did I get? Everyone just seems to hate me. I always look bad in people's eyes, even when I have worn the mask.

Anyone has idea about the good things on me, so I won't be too depressed like these days? I know no one will be able to tell me 'cause I don't have any.

Want me to be grateful? I was. But now I forget how to be thankful since I have trapped in my own sorrow for quite some time.

Forgive me, Lord.

~Asa~