I thought I was special...

It's been quite long since the last time I posted. The last post was very short as I remember, describing my disappointment briefly. I wonder why I have trigger to write whenever I feel sad, insecure and disappointed. The same thing happens to me today. A huge disappointment force myself to keep writing, I'm sorry for that. Who cares anyway. No one.

Apparently, I've been so upset since last night. I tried to bear the anger till I couldn't sleep and surprisingly still woke up in the early morning (how I hope I could woke up early like this during weekdays, since I have morning class almost everyday). But as I thought about it, I began to realize that I am such a fool who always cares of everything too much whereas others don't even think of me that much. Oops. Not that much. But they don't even think of me at all. Especially him. I hope that he could care of me more, I don't ask for too much. Just a little bit. Girls need affection, don't they? And I don't get even a little bit of it from him. That's why I'm saying that I'm really disappointed.

I know, I can't expect something like in the movies, super romantic scenes when the guy was giving the girl red roses on their special day, dating, watching movie, having candle light dinner, kissing under the rain etc etc and etc. I never expect those things to happen. Never even think of it. What I want is just a small tiny affection, actually that's all girls want from their boyfriend, no?

I know he is not romantic. He's not caring like other boyfriends are. I accept him for who he is. But this is just too much. I'm getting tired. I'm always the one who texts him, worries about him, thinks of him while he doesn't even care anything about me.

Being ignorant is just the matter. I thought I could know more about him than anyone else. But I was wrong, totally. I was just like any other girl. Nothing special. That's the most painful thing, when I thought I was special but actually I am not. I was just flying too high with my own imagination thinking that I could be slightly more special than any other girl. I was proved to be literally idiot.

I am not making any problem bigger. I remember he labeled me as "the-one-who-always-makes-things-complicated", and those words hurt me like sword. I can still feel the pain until now. It hurt me deeply, without mercy, just to let you know. I'm supposedly not to remember the past, but I don't know, it seems to be very difficult to recover the wound. I heard not even a single apology that day. It hurt me even more.

I was only the one who cares too much. I was only the one who thought that he's serious. I was only the fool that loves him so much. I'm stupid. And I'm so sorry to say it that it won't last long if he keeps staying ignorant and letting me feel exhausted like this. I'm just a human being. I can't be patient all the times and wasting my time like this. I'm getting tired. I'm serious, I AM getting tired.

Yes, I am childish. He makes me act this way.

PS: You will choose to be loved rather than to love, won't you? If it's me, I will.

~Asa~