“Asking for help is a
sign of fragility and incapability. Reaching for someone’s hand to hold makes
us weak and leaning into another person is something to be ashamed of.”
I don’t know since when
I had been living in this mindset and constantly feeling pathetic, if I had to
grab a hand when I was about to fall. Was it because of the idea of how
glamorous independence could be? Or was it because this one little monster
called ego that hides in our deepest soul?
If you don’t know,
neither do I. However, I think the cause doesn’t really matter anymore after
knowing the fact that it’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to hold hands when
the whole world shakes. Because that’s what makes us humane.
I flew away from home
to pursue my dreams when I was sixteen. It’s been the ninth year and I get used
to surviving alone. It was such a pride to handle everything by myself, I needed
almost no one. That was the reason why I was so unfamiliar with the term
“asking for help”, because I thought I was competent enough not to fall apart.
A trip to Mount Sibayak
last week allowed me to see things differently. I used to hike quite a few
times in the past: Broga Hill, Apek Hill, Mount Ijen, Twin Peaks and so on, with
a small group of people, with very little help to get to the top, but never in
a bad weather. You may think that I am exaggerating the whole story, that it
was just an overstatement, but at least, it was my honest feeling.
It was one or two hours
past midnight. The forest was as dark as a dungeon, the light came only from
our headlamps. I was okay with darkness, but I was never okay with that muddy,
loamy layer above the forest floor, providing I wasn’t wearing proper hiking
shoes. I freaked out when I slipped and right beside me was a dark abyss with
no visible end. Two friends of mine helped me out from the mud, pulled both of
my hands and I finally stepped on a solid ground, still struggled to balance
myself and jumped over a huge chunk of tree which was on my way. I was
terrified. If they hadn’t been there, I would have probably left the earth
forever.
The second trial was
when we were about to reach the peak. There was a slope of approximately 70
degrees vertical, required us to climb with both hands. I was stuck in the
middle with my legs far apart. I still hesitated to ask for help, maybe I could
just, you know, make it by myself. However, one wrong movement, I found myself
sliding down without control. It was when finally I shouted a name, but he was
up there trying hard to rescue another person. I stayed in a torturing position
for almost 5 minutes, but by far it felt like the longest time I’ve ever waited
in my life, until finally someone came and reached out his hand. With one
vigorous pull, I was up there. I survived another trial, but wasn’t so ready
for the next one.
My whole body was shaking, not because I was exhausted, but because I was so
frightened. For few seconds when I was hanging on that slope, some precious moments
in my life flashed before my eyes, so I thought I was really going to die. I
was even sure that I had gone pale, until a friend asked, “Are you okay?” not
only once. Maybe several times, I couldn’t be sure because all I could hear
clearly was only my own extraordinarily loud heartbeats.
About fifteen minutes
was it took to tame my fear. I tried the hardest to gather every last piece of
courage that I had to continue the climb. But this time, I wouldn’t hesitate to
ask for help. Everything turned to be much easier.
Before 5 am, we reached
the peak and it was the most ecstatic moment in my life. The sky was like a
giant page of a fairytale book. Full of stars. They’re blazing, breaking the
darkness apart. It was when I felt much, much alive. And down there, the city
was made of lights. When the sun rose, all I could feel was gratitude to
witness another beautiful day. I made sure that I captured all those amazing
sceneries in my mind and I would keep them for a long, long time. In addition,
I would keep them with all the smiles I gathered from all those beautiful
people up there.
 |
| Pic 1. Sunrise From the Peak of Sibayak |
 |
| Pic 2. With Beautiful People I adore |
When I reflected and realized what happened on the Mountain, for the first time in my life, I didn’t feel miserable when I asked for help. I felt that I have stepped and leveled up to be a little wiser to acknowledge that there’s no way I could do everything by myself. Those terrifying moments up there turned to be the moments of strength in weaknesses. But wait, did I regret?
Never even once,
because I figured out an important lesson I couldn’t find anywhere else: We
don’t have to feel sorry for acknowledging our humanness, something we all
share.
Moreover, I started to
realize how those experiences connect to my Toastmasters journey. Being a club
president doesn’t mean I have to do everything alone. For all these times, I
keep being supported by my committees and how I was such a fool for not
realizing it earlier.
I probably wrote this
for my future self, when I need to be constantly reminded, not feeling okay
doesn’t always mean vulnerable. To those souls out there, you’re not a burden
when you have tried hard but you still need someone to be strong. If we have to
hold on to someone, cry on their shoulders, to put our feet together, it’s absolutely fine too because…
Humans are made to help
one another with the arms wide open. That’s how we find strength in all of
our weaknesses.
-ASA-
No comments:
Post a Comment