Hello again, it's been quite some time since the last time I wrote. No, I won't be nagging about how unfair life is since we have already known about it. Just few things came into my mind lately which I'd like to share to you all. They said, why would we have to be worried all the time? Worrying won't help though, it'll only shorten your lifespan instead. However, there are just some things that we can't avoid. We tried to distract our mind on something else and well, it helped a lot at the moment. Nonetheless. it's just an escape. So, I repeat, it's an escape. Trust me, no matter how hard you try to distract your mind, it's still useless if you haven't made a deal with your heart.
So yeah, you'll start to find that this writing is so useless. You may stop reading. I don't care.
One thing I've learnt about life lately that I shouldn't have assumed too much. Well, humans love to make assumptions, no? That's just so natural. But everything comes with "too much" has never been good. Eating too much? You'll be gaining weight. Exercising too much? You'll be over-trained and most likely losing muscles. Singing too much? You'll be probably losing your voice on the next day. Duh, well, it's going off the topic now. Excuse me.
Well yea, how to deal with your heart then? Here, I'd like to share to you all how I have gone through the most terrible situation in my life. Frankly speaking, I have experienced depression before. Few times. Those moments were the worst I'd ever been. Waking up and realizing that no one's going to be by your side. Honestly, while you're being depressed, you'd feel that you're living alone in this world. Totally alone. You'd ignored everything. You'd forget how to smile. The only thing that you'd see was your own ache. Nothing else. You'd try to get along with any activity that could make you forget about the pain, but you just couldn't. It happened that way because you yourself never tried to deal with your heart. And your stupid assumptions made the situation even worse. You started to think wrongly and spread the negativity. Well, no wonder you're being so lonely now 'cause no one's going to get closed to you.
Making assumption is fine I guess. But not the negative ones. If you don't feel like assuming positively, then just don't assume anything. Because life is actually not that cruel, your assumptions make it so. I guess, by letting go, everything can be settled slowly. Letting go here does not only talk about persons, but also feelings and rights. I know, you can't simply let go of something or someone overnight, it takes time. Long time.
Have you ever heard this quote before? "Fake it until you make it". Pretend to let go, without assuming and expecting anything and once it's becoming your habit, you can slowly do it. You'll know how beautiful it is to get your heart fixed. This time, you're definitely getting stronger and more mature. The next time when people or life try to bring you down, you'll just know what to do.
Anyway, if some people annoy you a lot, stop being so angry and assuming things. They might not understand their faults. Letting go is the best way to mend everything. I like this quote as well, "Stop letting others bring you down to their level - refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs". An advice from me: if you have problem, don't keep it for your own and start complaining about how unfair life could be. Talk to someone else wiser than you. If people annoy you, communicate with those person you feel uneasy with. Their responses are their choices though, you have no control on them. But well, if they refuse to listen and give you negative feedback otherwise, that's their problems. Not yours. Your job is done here. As long as you have fixed your heart by letting go your feelings and rights, the rest comes later.
Nothing more important than fixing your heart, friends.
By the way, I really like the song "Fix You" by Coldplay recently. You may listen to it too while you're feeling blue :)
ASA
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Only Time
No. Although the title resembles a song, but no one is going to sing this time. Alright, feel free to judge this writing as trash, I don't mind. Now, all I want to do is just to bring you all back to reminisce how powerful time can be. You are sitting in front of the screen right now, reading this writing of mine, so this is you right now. However, have you ever imagined where will you be in the next few months? Some of you might think that it doesn't really matter where you're gonna be and some might not even bother to think. Well, listen, today, I am going to tell you how amazing that time could turn every plan that you had.
Have you ever realized that time could be a healer and a jerk at the same time? In a few months, everything keeps changing. Just few months, not even years. While stranger turns into best friend and best friend turns into lover or the other way around, while best friend turns into enemy and lover turns into just friend or even stranger. It is really weird, isn't it? It's ridiculous that few months ago you loved someone too much until you think that he/she's your everything, but now you're just having a "hi-bye" relationship with that person or some of you even stop talking to each other. It's kinda sad seeing your good friends changing into somebody else as time passes by. It's really sad saying goodbye to those friends who were always there for you all those times. Goodbyes are always painful, symbolized as tears, heartbreaks and fear. Sometimes we just really wanna be someone's hardest goodbye. And most of the time, we never favor goodbyes. But what else can we do? Only time knows where those goodbyes will be. Only time understands where those hellos are going to be. Because time is so powerful, sometimes humans can only watch without having clues how the future could be.
Some people realize too late. They regret for not doing the things that they had to do in the past. We always hear the word "If Only" being uttered, but have you ever realized, no matter how many "Ifs" has been mentioned, it is not going to change the reality anyway. People come and go. Some are leaving their footprints, some are just meant to be lessons and only some stay. Time knows that very well.
Time would not only change someone's heart and characteristics, but it could turn someone's plan and future. There was a time when you could imagine clearly where you would be in the next five years. And there was time too, when you feel that your dream was not as vivid as it used to be. Time changes everything, right? Your thought, your vision, your plan, your views on something or someone and so on. But one thing you should have known. Don't let time be your fear. Don't lose to the power of time because losing your vision will be much painful than losing your sight. Trust me.
On the other hand, time could be a healer. Those pieces of wounded heart and those deep scars can be eventually fixed as time goes by. Characters are built after misery and tribulation. After those hardships and goodbyes, time will at last reward you with happiness and new hellos. Time will finally turn those moments in the past to be memories. Either bad or good, they remain memories. Remember the good ones, and bury the those bad ones. Just remember one thing, as God's most beautiful creatures, we deserve the best in this life.
Don't let anyone or anything grab your happiness away from you, not even time.
ASA
Have you ever realized that time could be a healer and a jerk at the same time? In a few months, everything keeps changing. Just few months, not even years. While stranger turns into best friend and best friend turns into lover or the other way around, while best friend turns into enemy and lover turns into just friend or even stranger. It is really weird, isn't it? It's ridiculous that few months ago you loved someone too much until you think that he/she's your everything, but now you're just having a "hi-bye" relationship with that person or some of you even stop talking to each other. It's kinda sad seeing your good friends changing into somebody else as time passes by. It's really sad saying goodbye to those friends who were always there for you all those times. Goodbyes are always painful, symbolized as tears, heartbreaks and fear. Sometimes we just really wanna be someone's hardest goodbye. And most of the time, we never favor goodbyes. But what else can we do? Only time knows where those goodbyes will be. Only time understands where those hellos are going to be. Because time is so powerful, sometimes humans can only watch without having clues how the future could be.
Some people realize too late. They regret for not doing the things that they had to do in the past. We always hear the word "If Only" being uttered, but have you ever realized, no matter how many "Ifs" has been mentioned, it is not going to change the reality anyway. People come and go. Some are leaving their footprints, some are just meant to be lessons and only some stay. Time knows that very well.
Time would not only change someone's heart and characteristics, but it could turn someone's plan and future. There was a time when you could imagine clearly where you would be in the next five years. And there was time too, when you feel that your dream was not as vivid as it used to be. Time changes everything, right? Your thought, your vision, your plan, your views on something or someone and so on. But one thing you should have known. Don't let time be your fear. Don't lose to the power of time because losing your vision will be much painful than losing your sight. Trust me.
On the other hand, time could be a healer. Those pieces of wounded heart and those deep scars can be eventually fixed as time goes by. Characters are built after misery and tribulation. After those hardships and goodbyes, time will at last reward you with happiness and new hellos. Time will finally turn those moments in the past to be memories. Either bad or good, they remain memories. Remember the good ones, and bury the those bad ones. Just remember one thing, as God's most beautiful creatures, we deserve the best in this life.
Don't let anyone or anything grab your happiness away from you, not even time.
ASA
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Learning through pain
Menakjubkan rasanya gimana suatu hal bisa mengubah karakter seseorang untuk selamanya. Setelah sharing dengan beberapa teman (yang nggak bakal aku sebut namanya di sini), kami semua sepakat kalau terkadang manusia hanya bisa belajar dengan cara yang menyakitkan. And it's amazing that such pain was able to change your entire life. Saat kita merenungkan segala hal yang pernah kita lalui, di masa depan nanti kita bakal sadar seberapa besar peran dari hal tersebut hingga mampu mengubah seluruh hidup kita.
Terkadang pasti kita sering menyalahkan diri kita sendiri, menyesali segala sesuatu yang udah kita lakukan atau malah yang belum sempat kita lalukan. Itu normal. Setiap manusia pernah merasakan hal tersebut. Tapi pernahkah sesekali kita mesnyukuri bahwa rasa sakit yang pernah kita alami telah menjelma kita menjadi seseorang yang kuat dan tak terkalahkan? Well, seumur hidup kita, kita belajar. We never stop learning, don't we? Kegagalan adalah pelajaran. Hubungan yang gagal bukan berarti penyesalan, melainkan pelajaran. Mungkin kita nggak akan mengerti sekarang, tapi suatu saat nanti. Rasa sakit, keringat, air mata dan keluh kesah adalah bukti dari pengorbanan yang telah kita berikan untuk belajar menjadi lebih kuat.
Manusia itu sulit dimengerti, nggak pernah puas, selalu lupa bersyukur dan selalu mencari kesempatan dan keuntungan dalam kesempitan. Itulah alasan mengapa dunia ini nggak pernah adil. Bukan Tuhan yang nggak adil, tapi manusianya. Menyedihkan ya? Kalau kalian tau, dulu ada seorang anak kecil yang masih tinggal dalam dunia inosennya, belum pernah melihat kejamnya dunia dan tamaknya manusia, Apa yang terjadi kemudian? Anak kecil itu selalu merasa dilukai, nggak berani mengangkat wajahnya dan tersenyum, selalu merasa ada yang salah dalam diri orang-orang di sekitarnya. Dan lagi-lagi siapa yang peduli? Toh, pada dasarnya dunia ini memang kejam. Ingin sesuap nasi? Bekerjalah banting tulang. Nggak ada yang gratis, tolong-menolong juga minim, yang bisa kau lakukan hanyalah berjalan sendiri. Dan kembali pada sang anak, saat ia benar-benar jatuh ke dalam lubang kesendiriannya, dia termenung dan menunggu. Akhirnya dia sadar, bukan orang-orang di sekitarnya yang salah. Tapi, kesalahan itu terletak pada dirinya. Dia benci mengakuinya, tapi satu hal yang perlu dia perlu tau kalau dia nggak lagi tinggal di dunianya yang penuh kasih sayang dan perhatian. Dia tinggal di dunia orang dewasa yang kejam, kasar dan tamak. Saat itulah dia mengerti kalau rasa sakit-lah yang membuatnya mengerti dunia.
Untuk kalian di luar sana yang masih berada dalam comfort zone kalian, ketahuilah bahwa saat kalian keluar nanti, saat kalian belajar dengan cara yang luar biasa menyakitkan, mengertilah bahwa bukannya Tuhan kejam, tapi hanya dengan cara demikian kalian bisa belajar. Jadi, bukannya malah bersungut-sungut, tapi angkat wajah kalian tinggi-tinggi dan bilang pada dunia kalau kalian nggak akan pernah kalah. Karakter seseorang dibangun berdasarkan hal-hal yang pernah ia alami, oleh orang-orang yang pernah ia temui dan pernah masuk dalam kehidupannya. Ketika orang-orang itu memutuskan untuk pergi dan nggak pernah kembali, you just now that he/she never belongs to you, they're just meant to be lessons. Hargai semua itu, abadikan semua pengalaman yang pernah kalian dapatkan dari mereka. Lupakan orang-orang yang pernah menyakiti, tapi selalu ingat apa yang kita pelajari. Cintai mereka yang datang dan nggak pernah pergi. Jangan pernah lepaskan. Sekali lagi. Jangan pernah lepaskan mereka yang mencintai kamu. Contohnya? Keluarga.
Saat itu jugalah kalian mengerti kalau hidup sebenarnya nggak pernah complicated.
Well, I have so many things in my mind that I want to share. And writing is the only way to express my feeling. And please remind me to read this post again if in the future I am becoming a jerk who does not value life. I was once yeah. But at least for now, I am so grateful that so many of you actually do care of me. Again, I promise, I am going to be someone better than I used to.
ASA
Terkadang pasti kita sering menyalahkan diri kita sendiri, menyesali segala sesuatu yang udah kita lakukan atau malah yang belum sempat kita lalukan. Itu normal. Setiap manusia pernah merasakan hal tersebut. Tapi pernahkah sesekali kita mesnyukuri bahwa rasa sakit yang pernah kita alami telah menjelma kita menjadi seseorang yang kuat dan tak terkalahkan? Well, seumur hidup kita, kita belajar. We never stop learning, don't we? Kegagalan adalah pelajaran. Hubungan yang gagal bukan berarti penyesalan, melainkan pelajaran. Mungkin kita nggak akan mengerti sekarang, tapi suatu saat nanti. Rasa sakit, keringat, air mata dan keluh kesah adalah bukti dari pengorbanan yang telah kita berikan untuk belajar menjadi lebih kuat.
Manusia itu sulit dimengerti, nggak pernah puas, selalu lupa bersyukur dan selalu mencari kesempatan dan keuntungan dalam kesempitan. Itulah alasan mengapa dunia ini nggak pernah adil. Bukan Tuhan yang nggak adil, tapi manusianya. Menyedihkan ya? Kalau kalian tau, dulu ada seorang anak kecil yang masih tinggal dalam dunia inosennya, belum pernah melihat kejamnya dunia dan tamaknya manusia, Apa yang terjadi kemudian? Anak kecil itu selalu merasa dilukai, nggak berani mengangkat wajahnya dan tersenyum, selalu merasa ada yang salah dalam diri orang-orang di sekitarnya. Dan lagi-lagi siapa yang peduli? Toh, pada dasarnya dunia ini memang kejam. Ingin sesuap nasi? Bekerjalah banting tulang. Nggak ada yang gratis, tolong-menolong juga minim, yang bisa kau lakukan hanyalah berjalan sendiri. Dan kembali pada sang anak, saat ia benar-benar jatuh ke dalam lubang kesendiriannya, dia termenung dan menunggu. Akhirnya dia sadar, bukan orang-orang di sekitarnya yang salah. Tapi, kesalahan itu terletak pada dirinya. Dia benci mengakuinya, tapi satu hal yang perlu dia perlu tau kalau dia nggak lagi tinggal di dunianya yang penuh kasih sayang dan perhatian. Dia tinggal di dunia orang dewasa yang kejam, kasar dan tamak. Saat itulah dia mengerti kalau rasa sakit-lah yang membuatnya mengerti dunia.
Untuk kalian di luar sana yang masih berada dalam comfort zone kalian, ketahuilah bahwa saat kalian keluar nanti, saat kalian belajar dengan cara yang luar biasa menyakitkan, mengertilah bahwa bukannya Tuhan kejam, tapi hanya dengan cara demikian kalian bisa belajar. Jadi, bukannya malah bersungut-sungut, tapi angkat wajah kalian tinggi-tinggi dan bilang pada dunia kalau kalian nggak akan pernah kalah. Karakter seseorang dibangun berdasarkan hal-hal yang pernah ia alami, oleh orang-orang yang pernah ia temui dan pernah masuk dalam kehidupannya. Ketika orang-orang itu memutuskan untuk pergi dan nggak pernah kembali, you just now that he/she never belongs to you, they're just meant to be lessons. Hargai semua itu, abadikan semua pengalaman yang pernah kalian dapatkan dari mereka. Lupakan orang-orang yang pernah menyakiti, tapi selalu ingat apa yang kita pelajari. Cintai mereka yang datang dan nggak pernah pergi. Jangan pernah lepaskan. Sekali lagi. Jangan pernah lepaskan mereka yang mencintai kamu. Contohnya? Keluarga.
Saat itu jugalah kalian mengerti kalau hidup sebenarnya nggak pernah complicated.
Well, I have so many things in my mind that I want to share. And writing is the only way to express my feeling. And please remind me to read this post again if in the future I am becoming a jerk who does not value life. I was once yeah. But at least for now, I am so grateful that so many of you actually do care of me. Again, I promise, I am going to be someone better than I used to.
ASA
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
30 July 2013
Sudah hampir setahun blog ini terlantar. Bukannya aku tiba-tiba lupa caranya menulis, tapi karena aku nggak tau apa harus kutulis dan aku nggak punya cukup banyak waktu untuk bisa membuka pikiran dan membagikan kisah-kisahku yang mungkin nggak terlalu penting buat didengarkan. Tapi hari ini, aku menulis, karena aku memang ingin dan karena aku masih cinta menulis seperti yang dulu.
Kalian tau, jatuh cinta itu rasanya menyenangkan. Kita nggak bisa berhenti tersenyum kalau ketemu dia. Kita nggak bisa berhenti memikirkannya, apalagi kalau hari sudah malam (jangan tanya kenapa, ini sudah kodratnya kebanyakan mahkluk mendadak galau di malam hari). Kita selalu hafal suaranya, senyumnya, baunya dan segala sesuatu yang dia suka ataupun dia benci. Kita ingin selalu berada di dekatnya, mendengar suaranya, membuatnya tersenyum dan sebagainya. Dan kalian tau, mungkin jatuh cinta itu sesuatu yang luar biasa yang bakal pernah kita alami selama hidup kita, kalau dilakukan dengan tulus. Siapa sih yang nggak suka jatuh cinta?
Tapi apa kalian tau bagaimana rasanya putus cinta? Mungkin sebagian besar orang tau. Rasanya susah dideskripsikan, seakan ada benda tajam menusuk tepat di dada dan kalian nggak tau cara mengeluarkan benda tajam itu dari sana. Tersiksa? Oh ya. Lebih dari itu. Nggak heran banyak orang yang bunuh diri gara-gara putus cinta. Tapi tunggu dulu, mungkin orang yang punya pikiran pendek itu memang nggak sayang sama Tuhan dan dirinya sendiri. Kalau dipikir-pikir, menggelikan bagaimana seseorang bisa melupakan semua kebahagiaan yang pernah ada dan malah menganggap betapa nggak adilnya hidup itu hanya karena putus cinta. Oh come on, kita semua tau kalau Tuhan menyediakan seseorang yang pantas buat kita di masa depan nanti. Mungkin bukan sekarang. Bukan juga setahun ke depan. Mungkin. Well, nggak ada yang pernah tau.
Tapi, kapan hidup bisa adil, kalau semua manusia menuntut yang mereka kehendaki? Jadi, adil nggaknya hidup itu, menurutku, bergantung sama respon masing-masing. I never mean to lecture anybody, aku sendiri hampir selalu merasa kalau hidup itu nggak adil. Kenapa ada orang berusaha setengah mati, tapi masih hidup melarat? Kenapa ada orang yang cuman goyang-goyang kaki tapi bisa hidup berkelimpahan? Itu misteri. Tapi menurutku, intinya, asalkan kita bisa menanggapi semuanya positively, kita bakal menemukan keadilan di hidup kita. Try it. Kalau nggak berhasil, coba lebih keras lagi dan lihat seberapa banyak orang yang iri melihat seberapa bahagianya dirimu.
Saat melepaskan seseorang, kita belajar menjadi lebih dewasa. Mungkin sebagian orang berpikir, kebahagiaan diri sendirilah yang terpenting, tapi saat kita mencintai seseorang, kita bakal mengerti kalau kebahagiaan orang itulah yang utama. Pernah dengar istilah mengalah untuk menang? Dalam konteks ini, kalau kalian rela melepaskan orang yang benar-benar kalian sayangi demi kebahagiaan orang itu di masa depan nanti, kalianlah pemenangnya. No, I am not talking about me right now. Jangan salah sangka. Ini cuman sekedar nasehat buat teman-teman di luar sana. Melepaskan itu lebih sulit dari apapun di dunia ini, apalagi kalau kedua pihak masih saling menyayangi. Tapi ketika kalian mengerti, kalau kalian bakal lebih bahagia dengan jalan yang nggak terkoneksi satu sama lain, di saat itulah kalian menyadari kalau melepaskan itu sebenarnya indah. Lebih indah dari apapun yang pernah kalian bayangkan. Hmm. Jenis keindahan yang berbeda dengan jatuh cinta, tapi sensasi yang sama.
Karena itu, untuk kalian-kalian yang merasakan sakit luar biasa saat melepaskan dan kemudian berhasil bangkit lagi, tersenyumlah. Kalian orang yang hebat. Kalian memberkati orang lain. Andai saja aku bisa menjadi seperti kalian-kalian yang punya ketulusan hati di atas orang normal. Well, terkadang hanya pengalaman yang bisa menjadi guru terbaik.
And I promise, the next time you see me, I am gonna be someone better who knows how to smile while letting go, who knows how to love with heart and brain at the same time and who knows how to love God more than anyone.
ASA
Sunday, October 14, 2012
When everything seems to be so hard
Lately I realize that I've been so pampered all the time. I have to wake up. I am no longer my mom's little girl. I've grown up. No, not yet. I have to grow up. But I guess, being mature is not something very easy to be accomplished.
Everything seems to be very hard to me. I am just good at faking. Sure, feel free to call me a coward. I am wearing a mask. I am ugly inside and if you really can notice it, I am not as strong as you think. I am too fragile and just not ready to face the world.
The world outside is just too scary. I am not brave and tough enough to stand on my own feet. I am hurt again and again. Sometimes I just feel like hiding in my room because I am just scared that someone will hurt me again. Sometimes I just hate to love again because it is just too painful when someone has to leave me or just let me go without words. Sometimes I just feel so tired of living.
Have you heard it before? When people said, "Losing your sight is not scary, the scariest thing is when you lose your vision."
What is scarier than it? I experience it. I no longer have a vision. Why am I here? Where has the spirit gone? What is the purpose of my life? I don't know. I lost it some time ago. When it happens, everything just seems to be so hard to me. Even waking up in the morning turns to be a pain for me. I hate being alive. Forgive me for that, God.
I tried to pray, but did it work? I have no answer. I am so clueless.
I need motivation. I need somebody to ensure me that my life is worth living again and again. Once is just not enough because I have been suffering too deep in my depression. And what did I get? Everyone just seems to hate me. I always look bad in people's eyes, even when I have worn the mask.
Anyone has idea about the good things on me, so I won't be too depressed like these days? I know no one will be able to tell me 'cause I don't have any.
Want me to be grateful? I was. But now I forget how to be thankful since I have trapped in my own sorrow for quite some time.
Forgive me, Lord.
~Asa~
Everything seems to be very hard to me. I am just good at faking. Sure, feel free to call me a coward. I am wearing a mask. I am ugly inside and if you really can notice it, I am not as strong as you think. I am too fragile and just not ready to face the world.
The world outside is just too scary. I am not brave and tough enough to stand on my own feet. I am hurt again and again. Sometimes I just feel like hiding in my room because I am just scared that someone will hurt me again. Sometimes I just hate to love again because it is just too painful when someone has to leave me or just let me go without words. Sometimes I just feel so tired of living.
Have you heard it before? When people said, "Losing your sight is not scary, the scariest thing is when you lose your vision."
What is scarier than it? I experience it. I no longer have a vision. Why am I here? Where has the spirit gone? What is the purpose of my life? I don't know. I lost it some time ago. When it happens, everything just seems to be so hard to me. Even waking up in the morning turns to be a pain for me. I hate being alive. Forgive me for that, God.
I tried to pray, but did it work? I have no answer. I am so clueless.
I need motivation. I need somebody to ensure me that my life is worth living again and again. Once is just not enough because I have been suffering too deep in my depression. And what did I get? Everyone just seems to hate me. I always look bad in people's eyes, even when I have worn the mask.
Anyone has idea about the good things on me, so I won't be too depressed like these days? I know no one will be able to tell me 'cause I don't have any.
Want me to be grateful? I was. But now I forget how to be thankful since I have trapped in my own sorrow for quite some time.
Forgive me, Lord.
~Asa~
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