Kabut tebal

Entah udah berapa lama aku nggak menulis dengan bahasa Indonesia. Rasanya pengen aja, bukan karena lagi cengeng atau apa. Pokoknya aku benar-benar ingin menulis dengan bahasa ini.

Jadi intinya, aku benar-benar nggak tau gimana caranya dua orang yang punya kepribadian yang sungguh berbeda bisa bersatu. Kalaupun bisa, aku nggak tau hanya bisa sampai kapan. Aku pesimis soal itu. Yang satu terlalu peduli dan yang satunya nggak peduli sama sekali. Aku rasa dua-duanya bakal terluka. Orang yang terlalu peduli itu dilukai oleh ketidakpedulian yang satunya, sedangkan yang nggak peduli sama sekali itu bakal dilukai ketika melihat pasangannya terluka.

Yang aku lihat cuman kabut tebal. Nggak ada yang lainnya. Aku nggak tau darimana asalnya kabut itu. Entah ada yang salah dengan padanganku, atau mungkin kabut itu tercipta karena genangan air mata di mataku. Aku nggak tau. Nggak ada yang tau jawabnya, kecuali Yang di atas. Aku harap kabut tebal itu cuman air mataku, tapi entah sampai kapan aku harus meyakinkan diriku sendiri sesuatu yang bahkan belum pasti jawabannya. Aku tau suatu saat nanti aku bakal benar-benar lelah dan nggak tau lagi gimana caranya bangkit dan tersenyum. Mungkin aku harus mempersiapkan diriku untuk itu karena aku takut kalau aku bakal benar-benar hancur berkeping-keping dengan hati berdarah-darah.

Kalau diperlambat, gerakan yang ada di kepalaku persis satu adegan film yang "diperlambat" dan dipoles dengan tone "hitam-putih". Jadi semuanya bergerak serba lambat. Hanya aku yang berwarna, sedangkan sekelilingku nggak jelas dan penuh kabut. Aku berjalan perlahan, meraba-raba takut menyandung sesuatu karena semuanya serba tidak jelas. Lalu aku tersendung sesuatu dan jatuh tersungkur. Bukan jatuhnya yang menyakitkan, tapi bangkit sendiri tanpa ada seorang pun yang mengulurkan tangannya, itu yang paling menyakitkan. Lalu aku berdiri lagi. Samar-samar aku lihat cahaya di ujung sana. Samar. Benar-benar samar. Aku bahkan nggak yakin itu cahaya atau malah ilusiku saja. Tapi aku terus berjalan, berharap kalau imajinasiku tidak sehebat itu. Aku ingin kalau cahaya itu benar-benar ada.

Tapi lagi-lagi aku salah. Di balik cahaya itu, ada dua lorong yang berbeda. Ada suara yang bilang padaku kalau aku harus memilih yang kiri. Tapi aku terlalu terarah pada suara hatiku sendiri, jadi aku memilih lorong yang lain. Dari balik kabut tebal, aku melirik ke arah lorong yang tidak kupilih. Barulah aku tau kalau lorong yang kiri itu ada sebuah lubang besar yang dalam. Tapi sedalam-dalamnya, lubang itu masih bisa dipanjat kalau aku bersikeras. Diam-diam aku bersyukur karena memilih lorong yang lain.

Barulah aku tau kalau lorong yang kupilih itu penuh dengan duri-duri yang menyakitkan di sekelilingnya. Aku meringis ketika satu persatu duri itu melukai kaki, lengan dan sekujur tubuhku. Tapi ada yang lebih menyakitkan di sini. Tepat di ulu hati. Karena ternyata, lagi-lagi aku berjalan sendirian. Tapi aku terus melangkah, aku nggak bisa berhenti. Aku jalan terus sambil meraba-raba, tidak tau apa lagi yang akan kuhadapi di depan sana.

Sama seperti lorong di sebelah kiri. Kalau aku memilih lorong itu, dan aku terjatuh ke lubang yang dalam, aku mungkin nggak tau gimana caranya bangkit. Tapi saat aku memilih lorong kanan, aku dilukai duri-duri tajam itu dan akhirnya aku tenggelam dalam kesendirianku tanpa tau apa lagi yang akan kuhadapi di depan sana.

Aku nggak tau apa yang terjadi. Kabut tebal itu menutupi segalanya, padanganku, padangan semua orang. Kabut tebal itu juga yang membuatku takut. Takut kalau aku bakal berjalan ke arah yang salah. Kabut tebal itu yang membuatku tidak bisa melihat siapapun. Jadi aku tidak tau apakah aku sendirian, atau ada orang lain di sana, hanya saja tertutupi oleh kabut?

Entah. Jangan tanya aku. Itu yang harusnya aku tanyakan.

~Asa~

Random Thoughts

I'm always scared whenever I think of the future. Mostly people are afraid too, aren't they? So, I'm not the only one at least. I've learned many things which said that worry about the future may only stop your step forward and instead bring you backward. I know it for sure. However, I seem to not be able to control my own mind. I feel so useless.

I think of everything, every possibility, from the very best ones, till the worst. I know I should not have worried too much, it won't make me live longer anyway. But I can't help it. I hate myself for thinking too much and yet I can't even handle my own thoughts. Those stupid thoughts strike on me, again and again. I am drowned into my deepest despair. Am I able to stand on my feet now? I'm scared I will fall again. And that time, most probably, I will not know how to stand up. I am such a coward, aren't I?

I guess I've poured too much love that I can't even hold back. Feel free to call me retarded.

I used to be an optimist. Where did that side of me go? I am not me. I feel empty. Can everything go back to it used to be? I'm scared.

The only thing I can do is to pray. But somehow, I can't hear the voice of God. The only thing I heard was only my own heartbeat and my own trembled voice. I'm scared that He will leave me too. How am I supposed to live then? I'm scared.

And even now, all I see is tears. Nothing else.

~Asa~

If only...

If only I can let go, it won't be this hard anymore.

~Asa~

Swot Vac Syndrome

Dear readers, I'm back :)
Actually I'm kinda sad seeing my own blog's condition.  It's dying (or it has been already dead?). I haven't updated any new post since months ago due to my hectic university life. I have tons of experiences and stories I'd like to share to you all, but the deadlines of my reports and assignments were about to make me busier than a business woman.

So yea. I wanna discuss about what-so-called "swot vac syndrome". It happens every semester to almost every Monash students approximately 1-2 weeks near the final exams. This syndrome is considered as severe, since it may lead to a more serious, troublesome state, which is "permanent head damage" state.

Swot vac syndrome is marked by several symptoms:
1. Bipolar moods disorder; the moods swing ups and downs extremely. You can even laugh at your own jokes at the first second (or maybe other people's lame jokes) and you can cry when you look at your lecture notes at the next second.
2. Excessive homesickness; when you suddenly miss your mom's cooking, the smell of your bedroom, the warmth of your family and so on.
3. Antisocial behavior; when you suddenly prefer staying at home or library, far from noises and crowds, when your eyes are like being planted to the lecture notes, you can't even blink, it will be the time you have less interaction with other people.
4. Greediness; when you suddenly have the trigger to eat all foods in your refrigerator, especially sweet things like chocolate (or maybe the salty potato chips?) just to help you stay awake.
5. Maximum level of dizziness; caused by too much information taken to the brain.
6. Lastly, those symptoms above are followed by rapid growth of pimples and blackheads on your whole face!

There are some factors leading this syndrome to occur:
1. Severe sleep deprivation
2. Lack of nutrition
3. No entertainment (being too bored)
4. Lack of exercise
5. Too much information taken

So this syndrome has been happening to me since days ago. As you can see, it is a serious syndrome. However, I'm not sure whether you have to read it so serious as well since this syndrome actually does never exist :P I am the one who creates it due to the maximum level of boredom I have right now. Anyway,  there is no scientific evidence nor scientific approach done to prove it :P

Well, it's a good idea anyway. Maybe I should collaborate with people from Psychology department to conduct some experiments or some kinds of interviews? Hmm. If I have chance, I will do it in the near future (just kidding of course) :D

Okay. I should sleep now. Bye :D

For all Monashians, best of luck for your coming exam! See ya :D

If...

And even if I disappear from your life, it won't be really matter right?

~Asa~