I'm always scared whenever I think of the future. Mostly people are afraid too, aren't they? So, I'm not the only one at least. I've learned many things which said that worry about the future may only stop your step forward and instead bring you backward. I know it for sure. However, I seem to not be able to control my own mind. I feel so useless.
I think of everything, every possibility, from the very best ones, till the worst. I know I should not have worried too much, it won't make me live longer anyway. But I can't help it. I hate myself for thinking too much and yet I can't even handle my own thoughts. Those stupid thoughts strike on me, again and again. I am drowned into my deepest despair. Am I able to stand on my feet now? I'm scared I will fall again. And that time, most probably, I will not know how to stand up. I am such a coward, aren't I?
I guess I've poured too much love that I can't even hold back. Feel free to call me retarded.
I used to be an optimist. Where did that side of me go? I am not me. I feel empty. Can everything go back to it used to be? I'm scared.
The only thing I can do is to pray. But somehow, I can't hear the voice of God. The only thing I heard was only my own heartbeat and my own trembled voice. I'm scared that He will leave me too. How am I supposed to live then? I'm scared.
And even now, all I see is tears. Nothing else.
~Asa~
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Swot Vac Syndrome
Dear readers, I'm back :)
Actually I'm kinda sad seeing my own blog's condition. It's dying (or it has been already dead?). I haven't updated any new post since months ago due to my hectic university life. I have tons of experiences and stories I'd like to share to you all, but the deadlines of my reports and assignments were about to make me busier than a business woman.
So yea. I wanna discuss about what-so-called "swot vac syndrome". It happens every semester to almost every Monash students approximately 1-2 weeks near the final exams. This syndrome is considered as severe, since it may lead to a more serious, troublesome state, which is "permanent head damage" state.
Swot vac syndrome is marked by several symptoms:
1. Bipolar moods disorder; the moods swing ups and downs extremely. You can even laugh at your own jokes at the first second (or maybe other people's lame jokes) and you can cry when you look at your lecture notes at the next second.
2. Excessive homesickness; when you suddenly miss your mom's cooking, the smell of your bedroom, the warmth of your family and so on.
3. Antisocial behavior; when you suddenly prefer staying at home or library, far from noises and crowds, when your eyes are like being planted to the lecture notes, you can't even blink, it will be the time you have less interaction with other people.
4. Greediness; when you suddenly have the trigger to eat all foods in your refrigerator, especially sweet things like chocolate (or maybe the salty potato chips?) just to help you stay awake.
5. Maximum level of dizziness; caused by too much information taken to the brain.
6. Lastly, those symptoms above are followed by rapid growth of pimples and blackheads on your whole face!
There are some factors leading this syndrome to occur:
1. Severe sleep deprivation
2. Lack of nutrition
3. No entertainment (being too bored)
4. Lack of exercise
5. Too much information taken
So this syndrome has been happening to me since days ago. As you can see, it is a serious syndrome. However, I'm not sure whether you have to read it so serious as well since this syndrome actually does never exist :P I am the one who creates it due to the maximum level of boredom I have right now. Anyway, there is no scientific evidence nor scientific approach done to prove it :P
Well, it's a good idea anyway. Maybe I should collaborate with people from Psychology department to conduct some experiments or some kinds of interviews? Hmm. If I have chance, I will do it in the near future (just kidding of course) :D
Okay. I should sleep now. Bye :D
For all Monashians, best of luck for your coming exam! See ya :D
Actually I'm kinda sad seeing my own blog's condition. It's dying (or it has been already dead?). I haven't updated any new post since months ago due to my hectic university life. I have tons of experiences and stories I'd like to share to you all, but the deadlines of my reports and assignments were about to make me busier than a business woman.
So yea. I wanna discuss about what-so-called "swot vac syndrome". It happens every semester to almost every Monash students approximately 1-2 weeks near the final exams. This syndrome is considered as severe, since it may lead to a more serious, troublesome state, which is "permanent head damage" state.
Swot vac syndrome is marked by several symptoms:
1. Bipolar moods disorder; the moods swing ups and downs extremely. You can even laugh at your own jokes at the first second (or maybe other people's lame jokes) and you can cry when you look at your lecture notes at the next second.
2. Excessive homesickness; when you suddenly miss your mom's cooking, the smell of your bedroom, the warmth of your family and so on.
3. Antisocial behavior; when you suddenly prefer staying at home or library, far from noises and crowds, when your eyes are like being planted to the lecture notes, you can't even blink, it will be the time you have less interaction with other people.
4. Greediness; when you suddenly have the trigger to eat all foods in your refrigerator, especially sweet things like chocolate (or maybe the salty potato chips?) just to help you stay awake.
5. Maximum level of dizziness; caused by too much information taken to the brain.
6. Lastly, those symptoms above are followed by rapid growth of pimples and blackheads on your whole face!
There are some factors leading this syndrome to occur:
1. Severe sleep deprivation
2. Lack of nutrition
3. No entertainment (being too bored)
4. Lack of exercise
5. Too much information taken
So this syndrome has been happening to me since days ago. As you can see, it is a serious syndrome. However, I'm not sure whether you have to read it so serious as well since this syndrome actually does never exist :P I am the one who creates it due to the maximum level of boredom I have right now. Anyway, there is no scientific evidence nor scientific approach done to prove it :P
Well, it's a good idea anyway. Maybe I should collaborate with people from Psychology department to conduct some experiments or some kinds of interviews? Hmm. If I have chance, I will do it in the near future (just kidding of course) :D
Okay. I should sleep now. Bye :D
For all Monashians, best of luck for your coming exam! See ya :D
Saturday, April 21, 2012
I thought I was special...
It's been quite long since the last time I posted. The last post was very short as I remember, describing my disappointment briefly. I wonder why I have trigger to write whenever I feel sad, insecure and disappointed. The same thing happens to me today. A huge disappointment force myself to keep writing, I'm sorry for that. Who cares anyway. No one.
Apparently, I've been so upset since last night. I tried to bear the anger till I couldn't sleep and surprisingly still woke up in the early morning (how I hope I could woke up early like this during weekdays, since I have morning class almost everyday). But as I thought about it, I began to realize that I am such a fool who always cares of everything too much whereas others don't even think of me that much. Oops. Not that much. But they don't even think of me at all. Especially him. I hope that he could care of me more, I don't ask for too much. Just a little bit. Girls need affection, don't they? And I don't get even a little bit of it from him. That's why I'm saying that I'm really disappointed.
I know, I can't expect something like in the movies, super romantic scenes when the guy was giving the girl red roses on their special day, dating, watching movie, having candle light dinner, kissing under the rain etc etc and etc. I never expect those things to happen. Never even think of it. What I want is just a small tiny affection, actually that's all girls want from their boyfriend, no?
I know he is not romantic. He's not caring like other boyfriends are. I accept him for who he is. But this is just too much. I'm getting tired. I'm always the one who texts him, worries about him, thinks of him while he doesn't even care anything about me.
Being ignorant is just the matter. I thought I could know more about him than anyone else. But I was wrong, totally. I was just like any other girl. Nothing special. That's the most painful thing, when I thought I was special but actually I am not. I was just flying too high with my own imagination thinking that I could be slightly more special than any other girl. I was proved to be literally idiot.
I am not making any problem bigger. I remember he labeled me as "the-one-who-always-makes-things-complicated", and those words hurt me like sword. I can still feel the pain until now. It hurt me deeply, without mercy, just to let you know. I'm supposedly not to remember the past, but I don't know, it seems to be very difficult to recover the wound. I heard not even a single apology that day. It hurt me even more.
I was only the one who cares too much. I was only the one who thought that he's serious. I was only the fool that loves him so much. I'm stupid. And I'm so sorry to say it that it won't last long if he keeps staying ignorant and letting me feel exhausted like this. I'm just a human being. I can't be patient all the times and wasting my time like this. I'm getting tired. I'm serious, I AM getting tired.
Yes, I am childish. He makes me act this way.
PS: You will choose to be loved rather than to love, won't you? If it's me, I will.
~Asa~
Apparently, I've been so upset since last night. I tried to bear the anger till I couldn't sleep and surprisingly still woke up in the early morning (how I hope I could woke up early like this during weekdays, since I have morning class almost everyday). But as I thought about it, I began to realize that I am such a fool who always cares of everything too much whereas others don't even think of me that much. Oops. Not that much. But they don't even think of me at all. Especially him. I hope that he could care of me more, I don't ask for too much. Just a little bit. Girls need affection, don't they? And I don't get even a little bit of it from him. That's why I'm saying that I'm really disappointed.
I know, I can't expect something like in the movies, super romantic scenes when the guy was giving the girl red roses on their special day, dating, watching movie, having candle light dinner, kissing under the rain etc etc and etc. I never expect those things to happen. Never even think of it. What I want is just a small tiny affection, actually that's all girls want from their boyfriend, no?
I know he is not romantic. He's not caring like other boyfriends are. I accept him for who he is. But this is just too much. I'm getting tired. I'm always the one who texts him, worries about him, thinks of him while he doesn't even care anything about me.
Being ignorant is just the matter. I thought I could know more about him than anyone else. But I was wrong, totally. I was just like any other girl. Nothing special. That's the most painful thing, when I thought I was special but actually I am not. I was just flying too high with my own imagination thinking that I could be slightly more special than any other girl. I was proved to be literally idiot.
I am not making any problem bigger. I remember he labeled me as "the-one-who-always-makes-things-complicated", and those words hurt me like sword. I can still feel the pain until now. It hurt me deeply, without mercy, just to let you know. I'm supposedly not to remember the past, but I don't know, it seems to be very difficult to recover the wound. I heard not even a single apology that day. It hurt me even more.
I was only the one who cares too much. I was only the one who thought that he's serious. I was only the fool that loves him so much. I'm stupid. And I'm so sorry to say it that it won't last long if he keeps staying ignorant and letting me feel exhausted like this. I'm just a human being. I can't be patient all the times and wasting my time like this. I'm getting tired. I'm serious, I AM getting tired.
Yes, I am childish. He makes me act this way.
PS: You will choose to be loved rather than to love, won't you? If it's me, I will.
~Asa~
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