Hey, last night I just told you that if there was a thing I am really afraid of, it would be death, right?
Here, I come back and tell you, I've just found another thing that I am really scared. Listen to my story, then you will know what it is.
This morning was supposed to be a peaceful morning. I was sleeping soundly when suddenly I heard the noise. How I hope I could just ignore it and continue my sleep. But I could not. I woke up and found that my sister was prying from the half-opened door, checking what actually was going on.
I asked her, "Hey, what happens? Ughh, where is the noise from?"
She did not answer. My eyes were so heavy that time. So I decided to continue my sleep.
Suddenly, I heard the noise again. My mom's voice, jabbering, not really clear (was it because I was still sleeping, so I could not hear properly?) Well, it might be. I opened my eyes again, but I could not find my sister. She was not there.
Someone bumped the door. Another door, not my door. I guess it's my mom's door. I tried to set my ears well, so I could figure out what on the earth was happening. And what I expected was not mistaken. It's a fight. My parents were quarreling outside my room. Just hearing it, I knew it was serious. It was a terrible fight since my mom was crying that time.
Seriously, I was scared that time. I jumped from my bed and opened my door a bit. I've never seen them quarreling for months, and the fight was really terrifying me. I don't want to discuss what the cause of the fight was, it's just too complicated. I only know that my mom was not wrong.
I was terribly sad when I heard the fact from my sister. It's hurtful, knowing that my father cares of his friends more than he cares of his family. I'm so damn afraid that he will leave us someday, get influenced by his evil friends hence I will see my mom crying again. I don't want it to happen. I don't want. Seriously, I want it to be the least possibility of all.
God, help us. Don't let my father fall into that fool sin.
How I hate all my father's friends! How I hope they would disappear and stop disturbing our family!
~Asa~
Monday, November 29, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Death
Hi blog, I know it's not a nice topic to be discussed. I just can't help myself not to think about it since I heard a bad news about my high school friend. It's been around a week since I knew someone's passed away in an accident, and sadly, he's my high school friend.
I may say that we're not close enough to be considered as "friend". I just knew him and he knew me. That's it. We never even said "hi" to each other when we fortuitously met at the school's corridor. We were in different class, different environment and anything happened to him actually was not my business.Well, no offense, I never meant anything, but it's just I did not feel any "lost" feeling. It was mean though.
However, I keep sensing something really weird inside here, my heart, which I really don't know why I do, I just know that if there was a thing I have always been really afraid of, it would be death.
Just thinking that if the accident happened to me, or to people which are close to me and to whom I love so much, I would not know how I react (well um, if it happened to me, then I would not even have a chance to react, I guess), but sure yeah, I am really scared of death. I tried to find the reason, is it because I am not faithful enough to my religion? (I mean is it related to hell and heaven thing?)
No, obviously it's not. I have my belief. I have religion. I believe in God. My teacher told me that if I believe in God, I should not be afraid of anything, including death. I know it. In God, what we are supposed to be afraid of?
Nothing. We are too strong to be defeated.
Well, I have guts to say that, but I just do not brave enough to say that I am ready to die. Anytime. Anywhere. Just think about it, about my high school friend, he was still 18 years old that time. Suddenly death approached him and took his soul away. Same thing happened to my primary school friend. Long time ago, when I was 9 years old, I heard that he had passed away because of malaria. It's just kinda too soon. I mean, you just saw him playing around you, joking and laughing together with you until suddenly you heard that he was dead. Well, it's undeniable shocking, right?
I almost experienced it. The death, I mean. It happened when I was 7 or 8 years old. I fainted for many times. First time (it was still a mystery how it could happen to me), I fainted when I was taking bath with my sister. Okay, you may laugh, but we used to take bath together, and hey, we were still little kids that time! No worries =), I suffered from convulsions. I would have bit my tongue off if my father had not put something into my mouth for me to bite. Hence, they brought me to hospital. They placed me in "ICU" with the "electrocardiogram" thing attached to my body.
When I was eventually aware, I did not even remember a thing. I did not have idea why I was lying down there with many weird equipments attached to my body. They said I was fainted for 3 hours. They were all crying for me. I did not really really have idea why they cried. Did they think I would die that time? Well, to be honest, I felt that I was dying that time. I could not even feel anything. Cold, pain and suffering, what were those all? I could hear nothing also. I felt like I had been already dead that time.
And when I finally woke up, I felt like my brain was empty. I could not even find a word to speak out. I did not have enough energy to talk either. And I still remember that something was choking my throat, kind of medical thing, I did not know what was that, I just remembered the feel when that thing was stuck to my throat. It's so damn painful!
And not only that. I fainted again in front of my primary school. Twice.
Hell, I don't even want to imagine how if I experience it again!
Now, remembering all those things I had been through, gives me that feeling. I AM SCARED OF DEATH, literally.
Sometimes I remember my brother, Rico, who had passed away years ago. If I had really died that time, I would have met him. Well, it's not the kind of meeting that I really want. I could not imagine also, how my mom would be if she lost her 2 kids, it surely would be too much pain for her to hold back. Now, I am so grateful that actually God is still loving me. He wants me to stay alive, to make my mom happy. God, you know, I love my mom so much although I always make her disappointed. I do not purposely do that. I just cannot find a way to make her happy.
Losing my brother, crying in front of my grandma's graveyard and shocking after hearing another bad news about people around me were just too enough. I just don't have any idea, why there was death in life. Will it be fairer if all people can grow old together, and finally come back to You, God, together also? Losing, sadness, woe, and fear, we will not experience them, or I should say, we will not even know what they are.
~Asa~
I may say that we're not close enough to be considered as "friend". I just knew him and he knew me. That's it. We never even said "hi" to each other when we fortuitously met at the school's corridor. We were in different class, different environment and anything happened to him actually was not my business.Well, no offense, I never meant anything, but it's just I did not feel any "lost" feeling. It was mean though.
However, I keep sensing something really weird inside here, my heart, which I really don't know why I do, I just know that if there was a thing I have always been really afraid of, it would be death.
Just thinking that if the accident happened to me, or to people which are close to me and to whom I love so much, I would not know how I react (well um, if it happened to me, then I would not even have a chance to react, I guess), but sure yeah, I am really scared of death. I tried to find the reason, is it because I am not faithful enough to my religion? (I mean is it related to hell and heaven thing?)
No, obviously it's not. I have my belief. I have religion. I believe in God. My teacher told me that if I believe in God, I should not be afraid of anything, including death. I know it. In God, what we are supposed to be afraid of?
Nothing. We are too strong to be defeated.
Well, I have guts to say that, but I just do not brave enough to say that I am ready to die. Anytime. Anywhere. Just think about it, about my high school friend, he was still 18 years old that time. Suddenly death approached him and took his soul away. Same thing happened to my primary school friend. Long time ago, when I was 9 years old, I heard that he had passed away because of malaria. It's just kinda too soon. I mean, you just saw him playing around you, joking and laughing together with you until suddenly you heard that he was dead. Well, it's undeniable shocking, right?
I almost experienced it. The death, I mean. It happened when I was 7 or 8 years old. I fainted for many times. First time (it was still a mystery how it could happen to me), I fainted when I was taking bath with my sister. Okay, you may laugh, but we used to take bath together, and hey, we were still little kids that time! No worries =), I suffered from convulsions. I would have bit my tongue off if my father had not put something into my mouth for me to bite. Hence, they brought me to hospital. They placed me in "ICU" with the "electrocardiogram" thing attached to my body.
When I was eventually aware, I did not even remember a thing. I did not have idea why I was lying down there with many weird equipments attached to my body. They said I was fainted for 3 hours. They were all crying for me. I did not really really have idea why they cried. Did they think I would die that time? Well, to be honest, I felt that I was dying that time. I could not even feel anything. Cold, pain and suffering, what were those all? I could hear nothing also. I felt like I had been already dead that time.
And when I finally woke up, I felt like my brain was empty. I could not even find a word to speak out. I did not have enough energy to talk either. And I still remember that something was choking my throat, kind of medical thing, I did not know what was that, I just remembered the feel when that thing was stuck to my throat. It's so damn painful!
And not only that. I fainted again in front of my primary school. Twice.
Hell, I don't even want to imagine how if I experience it again!
Now, remembering all those things I had been through, gives me that feeling. I AM SCARED OF DEATH, literally.
Sometimes I remember my brother, Rico, who had passed away years ago. If I had really died that time, I would have met him. Well, it's not the kind of meeting that I really want. I could not imagine also, how my mom would be if she lost her 2 kids, it surely would be too much pain for her to hold back. Now, I am so grateful that actually God is still loving me. He wants me to stay alive, to make my mom happy. God, you know, I love my mom so much although I always make her disappointed. I do not purposely do that. I just cannot find a way to make her happy.
Losing my brother, crying in front of my grandma's graveyard and shocking after hearing another bad news about people around me were just too enough. I just don't have any idea, why there was death in life. Will it be fairer if all people can grow old together, and finally come back to You, God, together also? Losing, sadness, woe, and fear, we will not experience them, or I should say, we will not even know what they are.
~Asa~
Thursday, November 25, 2010
25 November 2010
It means, it's been 5 years since the first time I realized that the feeling was special. I don't want to talk much about it, since I know I am not supposed to discuss that thing publicly.
Well, I promise myself that I am gonna forget this feeling no matter what. He does not belong to me, and he will never be mine. Seriously.
I told myself I should stop hopping, and this is what I do. I know that actually hope is a waking dream. But ironic, the hope is not mine.
And again, I am not the protagonist, that's why I should quit my acting. I should face the reality and try to love another guy. Sure. I will do it.
Because I know, my life is better without him.
~Asa~
Well, I promise myself that I am gonna forget this feeling no matter what. He does not belong to me, and he will never be mine. Seriously.
I told myself I should stop hopping, and this is what I do. I know that actually hope is a waking dream. But ironic, the hope is not mine.
And again, I am not the protagonist, that's why I should quit my acting. I should face the reality and try to love another guy. Sure. I will do it.
Because I know, my life is better without him.
~Asa~
Late b'day present
I wanna thank my Mom, my sister, my brothers and their girlfriends for the late birthday presents. At least now I know they care about me and they do still love me =D
I appreciate all your effort for doing so, especially when you purposely printed out "TWEETY" pictures for me because you said my face look like TWEETY, Err... do I? Hmm...
My mom gave me a beautiful bracelet. I like it so much, although it's not made from gold. Haha. My sister knew I like swimming and I only have a 5RM swimming goggle, so she bought me a nice goggle (brand : speedo) =D I like it! Thanks!
And you would never expect what my brother, Anton and his girlfriend, Yurica gave me! Muahahaha! It's shocking! They gave me err... errr... hahahahha, bra and underwear! one set! pink color! Seriously, I can't imagine how my brother went to that "kind" of shop and bought 1set of lingerie! HAHAHA XD
But I guess my brother did not come along to buy those things, only his girlfriend. Maybe. =D
Doraemon's set from Jz, Andi's girlfriend =D, like this! ^^
Who knows that actually the things inside are bra and underwear? HAHAHAHAHAHA XD
The strangest present EVER! See, the head and the tail. Did they try to imitate an animal but then they fail to do so? HAHAHAHA XD
They said, the TWEETY at the picture looks like me =_="
The greeting card. They printed it =D
All the present, from Mom, Sis and Bro. XD
They are cute, aren't they? =D
~Asa~
I appreciate all your effort for doing so, especially when you purposely printed out "TWEETY" pictures for me because you said my face look like TWEETY, Err... do I? Hmm...
My mom gave me a beautiful bracelet. I like it so much, although it's not made from gold. Haha. My sister knew I like swimming and I only have a 5RM swimming goggle, so she bought me a nice goggle (brand : speedo) =D I like it! Thanks!
And you would never expect what my brother, Anton and his girlfriend, Yurica gave me! Muahahaha! It's shocking! They gave me err... errr... hahahahha, bra and underwear! one set! pink color! Seriously, I can't imagine how my brother went to that "kind" of shop and bought 1set of lingerie! HAHAHA XD
But I guess my brother did not come along to buy those things, only his girlfriend. Maybe. =D
They are cute, aren't they? =D
~Asa~
Home sweet home
Aloha!
Actually they are true. Home is the best place to stay. It gives me different feeling from when I was staying in my hostel in Malaysia. I like here most! How I hope I could stay in my home sweet home forever! LOL XD
Well, you may consider that I was homesick. That's true. I missed my home all the time. Usually, I prefer stay at home to hang out with my friend. And well... I love my family so much! I really appreciate this three months holiday, although the fact that I will get bored as soon as I finish watching all the dramas and reading all the novels and manga. Hahaha =D But I really want to spend my holiday nicely, I mean, I wanna do something different during this summer holidays. Learning how to bake cake maybe, or trying how to knit etc =)
The pictures above are some parts in my house (my favorite rooms) =D I used to sit in front of my computer, typing and pretending that I was a busy business woman lol XD
~ASa~
Actually they are true. Home is the best place to stay. It gives me different feeling from when I was staying in my hostel in Malaysia. I like here most! How I hope I could stay in my home sweet home forever! LOL XD
Well, you may consider that I was homesick. That's true. I missed my home all the time. Usually, I prefer stay at home to hang out with my friend. And well... I love my family so much! I really appreciate this three months holiday, although the fact that I will get bored as soon as I finish watching all the dramas and reading all the novels and manga. Hahaha =D But I really want to spend my holiday nicely, I mean, I wanna do something different during this summer holidays. Learning how to bake cake maybe, or trying how to knit etc =)
The pictures above are some parts in my house (my favorite rooms) =D I used to sit in front of my computer, typing and pretending that I was a busy business woman lol XD
~ASa~
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