I thought I was special...

It's been quite long since the last time I posted. The last post was very short as I remember, describing my disappointment briefly. I wonder why I have trigger to write whenever I feel sad, insecure and disappointed. The same thing happens to me today. A huge disappointment force myself to keep writing, I'm sorry for that. Who cares anyway. No one.

Apparently, I've been so upset since last night. I tried to bear the anger till I couldn't sleep and surprisingly still woke up in the early morning (how I hope I could woke up early like this during weekdays, since I have morning class almost everyday). But as I thought about it, I began to realize that I am such a fool who always cares of everything too much whereas others don't even think of me that much. Oops. Not that much. But they don't even think of me at all. Especially him. I hope that he could care of me more, I don't ask for too much. Just a little bit. Girls need affection, don't they? And I don't get even a little bit of it from him. That's why I'm saying that I'm really disappointed.

I know, I can't expect something like in the movies, super romantic scenes when the guy was giving the girl red roses on their special day, dating, watching movie, having candle light dinner, kissing under the rain etc etc and etc. I never expect those things to happen. Never even think of it. What I want is just a small tiny affection, actually that's all girls want from their boyfriend, no?

I know he is not romantic. He's not caring like other boyfriends are. I accept him for who he is. But this is just too much. I'm getting tired. I'm always the one who texts him, worries about him, thinks of him while he doesn't even care anything about me.

Being ignorant is just the matter. I thought I could know more about him than anyone else. But I was wrong, totally. I was just like any other girl. Nothing special. That's the most painful thing, when I thought I was special but actually I am not. I was just flying too high with my own imagination thinking that I could be slightly more special than any other girl. I was proved to be literally idiot.

I am not making any problem bigger. I remember he labeled me as "the-one-who-always-makes-things-complicated", and those words hurt me like sword. I can still feel the pain until now. It hurt me deeply, without mercy, just to let you know. I'm supposedly not to remember the past, but I don't know, it seems to be very difficult to recover the wound. I heard not even a single apology that day. It hurt me even more.

I was only the one who cares too much. I was only the one who thought that he's serious. I was only the fool that loves him so much. I'm stupid. And I'm so sorry to say it that it won't last long if he keeps staying ignorant and letting me feel exhausted like this. I'm just a human being. I can't be patient all the times and wasting my time like this. I'm getting tired. I'm serious, I AM getting tired.

Yes, I am childish. He makes me act this way.

PS: You will choose to be loved rather than to love, won't you? If it's me, I will.

~Asa~

Untitled

I hate those smiley emoticons. I said sorry when I really meant it. But it's never being appreciated.
Those words, like sword, hurt me like nothing else can do.

And the wound wouldn't be healed that fast.

Sometimes I feel tired, to be with someone who always makes me cry.

I wonder when I'll be totally sick.

I'm not blaming anyone. It's just me who is extremely odd.

~Asa~

The stage

Dear readers, I'm back :)

As I'm reminiscing the past I've been through, it triggers me to blog at this hour. Somehow, I miss the stage. I've joined many singing competitions since I was young. I love singing, as hobby, however unlike my sister, I told myself that I wouldn't take it seriously. So, I was joining the competition just for fun. But surprisingly, I began to love it more and more.

Once, I was so proud of myself. I won the first place when I was in junior high school. People began to know me and praise me. In senior high school, I won again as the first winner, singing national songs amongst many students from different schools. I was quite happy with my talent that time. So it motivated me to practice more often. I joined another competition few months after it in Medan. I won the second place. I was satisfied with it. And it did give me courage to keep practicing, I wanted to be the best.

It was just a dream though. One of my dreams. I have too many dreams until I think that I'm kinda greedy, no? The last competition I joined was band competition. Our band won the third place and I became the best vocalist. And then I stopped. I never step on the stage anymore, except during my relative's wedding party or birthday party.

I was just thinking. If only I had continued to sing, most probably I wouldn't have been standing here, where I am now. So, where would I be?

Okay, you might have been wondering why I posted something like this so sudden. I'm wondering too. I just miss the competition. Sometimes, I've been thinking that I am not as good as I used to, I don't even have any courage to join any competition anymore, since many good singers today are ready to make me worry about my own ability. But if I do have chance, of course I want to. I've been missing the competitions, the nervous feeling and those heartbeats...

I'm not bragging anything. I'm writing what I want to, so don't think that I'm showing off in front of you guys now. But that's true. I used to be a very good singer until I stopped. I'm not anymore.

I miss the stage, really :(

~Asa~

Random post before going to bed

No one knows where the future will bring us,
except God
But sometimes I'm just too scared of my own thoughts,
I'm scared of the thoughts that you're going to leave me
Without words.
Because people said,
love comes and goes with no reason.

Feel free to call me a coward,
If I wake up in the next morning,
and you're not longer mine,
it will be the day that I fear of the most,
and it will be the day that I have nothing left
but severe heartbreak.

Okay. It's nothing. Ignore me.
Going to sleep now. Bye.

When more becomes too much

Now I understand what actually happened
I am nothing but just a hypocrite who always lost control of myself
I couldn't even take over my own mind, desire and heart
When the rationality was gone, I know something went wrong.
I should have known how to refuse
I should learn, yes, I have to.

Well, I know you would not understand what I'm talking about right now
Just ignore me
This is merely a random stupid post as the stupid thought came so sudden.

So yes, I am such a hypocrite
I don't want to remain one in the future
Forgive me, Lord.

~Asa~