Kacamata Yang Mana?

Salah satu alasan kenapa hidup itu nggak gampang, ya karena begitu banyak orang yang mengenakan kacamata yang berbeda dalam menanggapi suatu hal sederhana dan personal. Lalu, bayangkan, orang yang berkacamata cembung, memaksa orang yang rabun jauh untuk memakai kacamata yang sama. Menurutku, di dunia ini banyak banget orang-orang yang memaksakan cara pandangnya ke orang lain. Itu jelas bakal memicu argumentasi. Bagi yang berpikiran luas, tentunya bakal menerima kalau di dunia ini memang semua orang berbeda. Bagi yang berpikiran sempit, ya bisa-bisa ada perdebatan sengit atau bahkan tawuran xD

Belakangan ini aku sangat tertarik membahas soal peran suami dan istri dalam kehidupan rumah tangga. Faktanya, masalah rumah tangga yang menurutku cukup pribadi ini entah kenapa menjelma menjadi urusan publik dibumbui oleh perdebatan panjang yang nggak ada habisnya selama beberapa dekade. Bahkan, negara aja berusaha mengintervensi ruang pribadi rakyatnya (bagi yang ngikutin soal pembahasan RUU pasti mengerti :D tapi aku nggak akan bahas soal ini di sini).

"Suami ya harusnya cari duit. Itu bukan urusan istri. Istri ya di rumah aja, jaga anak."
Ada kalimat seperti itu yang masuk ke message Instagramku beberapa saat lalu.

"Istri harus tau cara cari duit, dong. Kalau nggak ya bego namanya. Nggak mandiri."
Ada juga yang malah berpikir sebaliknya.

Rasanya perdebatan seperti ini udah nggak asing, kan? Tentu, bahkan di dalam keluarga besarku sendiri yang jumlahnya nggak lebih dari lima belas orang, masih memperdebatkan siapa yang harus bekerja dan siapa yang harus di rumah.

Kali ini, aku ingin membagikan pemikiranku perihal peran suami-istri ini. Mungkin bukan pandangan yang terbaik bagi kalian, tapi tentu saja aku nggak memaksakan pandanganku. Aku cuman senang berdiskusi karena secara nggak langsung aku membuka pikiranku pada pendapat orang lain dan menilik lebih dalam kenapa mereka berpikir demikian. Dengan begitu, aku bisa mencoba bernegosiasi lagi dengan pendapat awalku dan merenungkan. Toh sebenarnya nggak ada pendapat yang benar dan salah, hanya masalah cocok atau nggaknya kacamata tersebut di diri kita masing-masing, kan?
Jadi aku harap, pandanganku kali ini bisa memberikan sesuatu baru bagi yang membacanya.

Mungkin aku banyak dipengaruhi oleh nilai-nilai feminis (terutama gelombang ketiga), aku percaya bahwa tiap orang punya hak untuk memilih. Menurutku, seorang istri berhak memilih jalan hidupnya sendiri. Begitu juga dengan si suami, karena kedudukan mereka sama. Nggak ada yang lebih tinggi ataupun lebih rendah. Intinya, setiap pasangan harus mendiskusikannya sebelum memutuskan untuk maju ke jenjang berikutnya.

Sangat disayangkan kalau seorang istri yang punya karir cemerlang dan potensi luar biasa yang dapat direalisasikan di luar rumah, "terpaksa" harus menimbun mimpi-mimpinya hanya karena ego seorang lelaki, plus karena sesuatu yang kita sebut "adat" atau "norma". Sebenarnya, norma itu berasal darimana? Bukankah diciptakan oleh manusia? Oke, mungkin ada yang namanya norma agama, tapi apakah setiap orang harus mengikuti norma agama yang sama? Dan siapa yang menciptakan norma agama? Manusia yang menafsirkan firman atau perkataan Sang Pencipta kan? Tapi tolonglah, aku nggak mau berdebat soal agama, karena postingan ini nggak bakal selesai kalau itu terjadi.

Menurutku, jika seorang lelaki mengutarakan kalimat seperti, "Setelah nikah nanti, kamu bakal hidup enak, kamu nggak usah kerja. Cari uang itu tugasku. Tanggung jawabmu ya di dapur dan urusan anak-anak". Ini seolah  merendahkan derajat wanita. Bukan perihal "di dapur dan urusan anak" yang perlu dihighlight, karena seandainya itu perkerjaan pilihan sang istri, itu tetap mulia dan sah-sah aja. Tapi, yang perlu ditekankan di sini adalah kalimat itu berisi "perintah". Bukan pertanyaan, apakah sang istri juga punya pemikiran yang sama. Jadi menurutku jelas, tipe lelaki seperti ini menjunjung tinggi budaya patriarki, dimana dia menganggap derajatnya lebih tinggi dari wanita, jadi dia berhak menentukan jalan hidup istrinya. Calon suami yang menghormati pasangannya, pasti bakal bertanya dulu dan memberikan kebebasan untuk istrinya memilih.

Aku pikir, urusan rumah-tangga dan anak adalah urusan bersama. Istri nggak bisa membesarkan anak sendiri. Parenting harus dilakukan berdua. Membebankan tanggung jawab sebesar itu hanya pada seseorang, aku rasa sangat nggak adil ya. Bukan hanya dalam hal materi, secara psikologis, kalau keduanya belum siap ya nggak salah menundanya.

Di sisi lain, kalau memang sang istri punya karir yang lebih baik dan pendapatan yang lebih mencukupi daripada suami, aku rasa itu juga wajar di jaman sekarang ini. Wanita bisa membantu mencari nafkah, atau bahkan tulang punggung, tapi itu juga harus berdasarkan kesepakatan suami-istri bersama dan sesuai dengan kapasitas istrinya (bukan berarti suaminya bisa foya-foya sambil goyang kaki di rumah; ya yang sepantasnya, deh. Kalau hidup bersama ya berjuang bersama). Walau pastinya para tentangga dan sanak saudara bakal "was-wes-wos" sana sini. Peduli, apa? Kan bukan mereka yang menghidupi kita.

Akuilah bahwa sekarang struktur sosial udah berubah. Banyak aparat negara dan pemimpin yang berjenis kelamin wanita. Dunia ini udah nggak seperti dulu lagi. Orang-orang yang memegang teguh nilai konservatif memang selalu anti perubahan. Itu juga nggak salah. Kembali lagi, tiap orang punya pandangan masing-masing. Kaum konservatif akan tetap ngotot kalau memang harus ada pembagian tugas lelaki-wanita dalam unit terkecil masyarakat, yaitu keluarga sekalipun. Itu sah-sah aja kalau suami-istri memakai kacamata yang sama. Nah, kadang kacamata yang berbeda inilah yang menyebabkan ketidakharmonisan dalam rumah tangga. Umumnya, baru disadari setelah menikah :)

Hal lain yang pengen aku tekankan di sini, kadang wanita nggak tau tujuan eksistensinya sendiri karena norma yang selalu mengikat, "Istri harus ikut suami." Dengan struktur yang telah berbeda ini, aku rasa udah saatnya wanita bersikap lebih kritis dalam menentukan jalan hidupnya. Berada di rumah dan dibebankan tanggung jawab mengurus anak-anak (hampir) sendirian, apakah kamu siap? Apa memang ini yang kamu inginkan?

Sekali lagi, harus ada pemikiran dan diskusi yang matang sebelum maju ke jenjang selanjutnya.

Tapi kalau para wanitaku tersayang ini telah berpikir matang dan yakin untuk mengikuti suaminya dan mengenakan kacamata yang sama, lalu merasa bisa merealisasikan potensi dan mimpi dengan berada di rumah dan menjaga anak-anak, itu mulia, kok. Itu sama sekali nggak lebih rendah dari wanita yang bekerja di luar. Menjadi ibu rumah tangga jelas pekerjaan yang berat. Kalau dibayar per bulan, gajinya bisa melebihi gaji pegawai swasta, kok!

Jadi, ini sebenarnya maksudku apa sih? Kok membingungkan?

Kesimpulannya, semua tergantung pada pilihan hidup kita. Tergantung keputusan kita untuk memakai kacamata yang mana. Pria seharusnya memberikan kebebasan untuk wanitanya, karena jaman udah berubah. Mendikte peran masing-masing itu semacam suatu tindak pelecehan. Selain itu, wanita juga harus cukup kritis dalam menentukan tujuan dari eksistensinya.

Ingin jadi Ibu Rumah Tangga? Bagus sekali!

Ingin berkarir di luar? Bagus sekali!

Intinya ya nggak ada pembagian peran yang mutlak. Suami-istri sebaiknya saling kompromi. Anak-anak tetap nggak boleh terlantar, dan yang mengurusnya bukan hanya istri, tapi ini tanggung jawab bersama. Karena saat lelaki dan wanita memutuskan untuk hidup bersama, mereka saling menghormati pilihan masing-masing, berdiskusi dan sampai di satu titik persetujuan dimana nggak satu pihak pun merasa dirugikan. Keinginan mendominasi, baik dalam diri pria maupun wanita, sebaiknya dibuang jauh-jauh. Kalian pernah dengar kan, kalimat di bawah ini?

Satu hal yang berpotensi untuk membunuh setiap hubungan: EGO

Berbahagialah kalian yang memakai kacamata pemahaman yang sama dengan pasangan kalian.

-ASA-

What defines power?

It's been a while since the last time I posted anything. I worked like a cow in the past few months, but I am glad that today I spare some time to write. I would like to share a little bit about my experience in a non-profit organization that I devote myself to.

The main reason I join Toastmasters, not because I wanted to be a world-class speaker, but because I wanted to know the true meaning of leadership.

Some people had always been calling me bossy. Most of all because I am the youngest in the family and I tend to get whatever I want. Let's say, I wanted a huge teddy bear to be delivered right to my front door and well, it soon happened. Be jealous, because I did not even have to try. However, slowly I started to realize that life isn't only about getting what we want, but also giving what we have. I know now that it's all about learning to give. To my surprise, sharing and giving back to others affect my perception and my feeling entirely. It's the contentment I couldn't find elsewhere.

Servant leadership in a non-profit organization where we have to work our ass off, sacrificing our precious time, energy and money without expecting any acknowledgement from others is extremely challenging. Not to mention how many times I suffered emotionally and I was about to quit, in the end of the day, I was even called an idiot to have held back those unfavorable emotions at the back of my head. But then, as I reminisced, was it just a waste of time to be involved deeply in an organization which brought me nothing?

Uh-oh, alright. Take a deep breath. Before it offends anybody, please pay attention that I wrote those statements above in PAST TENSE. In the middle of my depressive moments, those were exactly my thoughts. It would be much better if I could neglect the responsibility which I valued like my own life but then burdened me a lot. I really had thought that it brought me nothing but hassle until I realized that it was me who had failed to see it.

I stopped experimenting with my shallow thoughts until I see the true example of a great leader. There might be plenty out there, but there's one who touches my heart. Plenty of hearts, in fact. Even from across the room, I've heard about how humble he is. It's true that people talk about others behind their back, and admit it, negative words usually spread faster than infectious deadly diseases. However, all I heard about him from time to time was praises, admiration and respect. So here I am to spread good things about him as well because I've witnessed his sincerity and dedication. He's definitely an exemplary leader who cares to listen.

To be honest, I was intrigued to know the secret of being a leader who earns much love and respect from everyone. Was it because of his position? Uh well, I would never know, if I did not experience a full year journey of hell. So I guess, we would never know how heaven is like, until we walked in hell, yea?

Not in literal meaning, my version of hell is a leader who never gets things done without pestering others. It gave me an arrogant thought, if only I ran away from my responsibility and also, her responsibility, what was she capable of doing without me? Of course, that was the time when I pitied myself and regretted whatever decision I'd made to have trapped inside. Well, I wouldn't share much about that leader's ugly truths here because I have talked enough about them somewhere else. Nonetheless, making her subordinate bear those thoughts alone was an absolute failure of being a great leader, although she held a position. I am not trying to compare anybody here, but even if I have done it, I wouldn't be sorry.

So, how can be two leaders with position earn different judgments from others? Well, the saints said we shouldn't judge at all, but darling, we ain't no saint. At least, I am not. Added up with my one full year of serving as a club president and plenty of leadership projects that almost made my head burst, I know for sure that position doesn't define power.

It's the IMPACT that matters.

As I reflect, what kind of leader have I become? What impact have I done to others for the year I've served in Toastmasters? Have I been delusional and proud for having the power that I probably never had just because of a position?

All those questions wouldn't have popped up if I hadn't tried committing suicide by jumping to that blazing and vigorous fire in hell. But dear, just because it burns, doesn't mean I'm gonna die (taken from a song lyric, yea you guessed it right). Instead, I got up more than twice to discover the true meaning of a servant leadership. It's not merely standing up there with an important position, but spreading positive impact to everyone we work with.

I used to whine because I thought I served for nothing, but now I feel contented that I've served for something.

Something precious, to be exact.

~ASA~

The Changes We Don't Want

What if I tell you that having absolute control of your life is merely a myth? What if I tell you that the false notion of having a perfect life is just as dangerous as throwing yourself into a lion's lair? What if I tell you that life is so full of unexpected changes? 

Someone's being taken away from our lives without even a slight warning, it might be the very first unexpected change that we have to face. It always starts with teeny tiny crack. And then we find ourselves missing some important opportunities due to difficult situations we can't control. That's the second one. It's impossible to rewind the time, so another teeny tiny crack of regret has just made it doubled. Last but not least, an unpredictable failure hits exactly in the middle, the crack spreads to the whole surface, until it's broken into pieces. Pain and loss aren’t just obstacles, but those are the certain changes in life.

But dear, let me ask you a question: will you survive?

I talked to an old friend few days ago. From our long deep conversation, I realized how much he has changed. And he told me he’s glad that I’ve changed to be a better version of me. It was the moment when I flashbacked every single unwanted change that forced us to step out from our comfortable shells.

We went through the same pain in the past. It’s hard to decide who suffered more, but most of all, suffering is not a competition, so why would we bother? We went through heartbreaks—not only once—but even if it’s just once, it’s all it takes to change someone drastically. We went through failures, bad times and hardships. Those unpredictable changes broke us apart, but we tried to assemble, collect all the pieces and make some conscious changes to go against those uncontrollable changes, because there’s no way we’re stuck in the place we’re not meant to be.

I used to be a submissive person back then. Whatever the ‘fate’ declared, I would just accept it wholeheartedly. When I injured my finger a week before my violin examination, I could do nothing except following the change and letting myself drift away. When failure hit me, I told myself, it’s my fault. I had to deal with it. It was the first. Secondly, I failed a subject in university and it was because I was so ignorant to pay much attention during lectures. When failure hit for the second time, how I wish I was told to be prepared. But that was not the end of the world, and I believe, it was the time I had to make a huge conscious change to break free from the shells that were tied to those irritating unwanted changes.

Changes are painful—both predictable and unpredictable ones. Apparently, the idea of change is scarier than anything in the world because we have to fight against that fear of unfamiliarity and the unknown. However, worry doesn’t make us strong, it’s how we usually get defeated instead. Therefore, if life is so full of uncertainty, why won’t we take that one brave shot out of our comfort zone and gamble for a (who knows) turning point? Won’t it be much more fun?

Changes are painful, but the pain is what changes us. Then, during the shot, we’ll discover that the journey itself is just half the fun. What has been broken, wouldn't be easily mended. Even if it didn't return to its original shape, it's okay as long as we survived. And the pain will eventually show us that we are capable of enduring what we thought we weren’t. Once we break free, we’re stronger than we used to be.

Thus, waste no time for worries. Changes are what we need. We don’t have to wait for things to get incredibly bad until we decide to make a conscious change in our lives. And those changes, we can always start from Toastmasters, because that’s also where I started mine.

(This is going to be another story to share, so see you next update; although my project ends here but I promise myself to keep updating the blog because I love writing more than anything else).

-ASA-

Moments of Strength in Weaknesses

NB: It’s going to be a long post, included recent terrifying yet amazing hiking experience.

“Asking for help is a sign of fragility and incapability. Reaching for someone’s hand to hold makes us weak and leaning into another person is something to be ashamed of.”

I don’t know since when I had been living in this mindset and constantly feeling pathetic, if I had to grab a hand when I was about to fall. Was it because of the idea of how glamorous independence could be? Or was it because this one little monster called ego that hides in our deepest soul?

If you don’t know, neither do I. However, I think the cause doesn’t really matter anymore after knowing the fact that it’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to hold hands when the whole world shakes. Because that’s what makes us humane.

I flew away from home to pursue my dreams when I was sixteen. It’s been the ninth year and I get used to surviving alone. It was such a pride to handle everything by myself, I needed almost no one. That was the reason why I was so unfamiliar with the term “asking for help”, because I thought I was competent enough not to fall apart.

A trip to Mount Sibayak last week allowed me to see things differently. I used to hike quite a few times in the past: Broga Hill, Apek Hill, Mount Ijen, Twin Peaks and so on, with a small group of people, with very little help to get to the top, but never in a bad weather. You may think that I am exaggerating the whole story, that it was just an overstatement, but at least, it was my honest feeling.

It was one or two hours past midnight. The forest was as dark as a dungeon, the light came only from our headlamps. I was okay with darkness, but I was never okay with that muddy, loamy layer above the forest floor, providing I wasn’t wearing proper hiking shoes. I freaked out when I slipped and right beside me was a dark abyss with no visible end. Two friends of mine helped me out from the mud, pulled both of my hands and I finally stepped on a solid ground, still struggled to balance myself and jumped over a huge chunk of tree which was on my way. I was terrified. If they hadn’t been there, I would have probably left the earth forever.

The second trial was when we were about to reach the peak. There was a slope of approximately 70 degrees vertical, required us to climb with both hands. I was stuck in the middle with my legs far apart. I still hesitated to ask for help, maybe I could just, you know, make it by myself. However, one wrong movement, I found myself sliding down without control. It was when finally I shouted a name, but he was up there trying hard to rescue another person. I stayed in a torturing position for almost 5 minutes, but by far it felt like the longest time I’ve ever waited in my life, until finally someone came and reached out his hand. With one vigorous pull, I was up there. I survived another trial, but wasn’t so ready for the next one.

My whole body was shaking, not because I was exhausted, but because I was so frightened. For few seconds when I was hanging on that slope, some precious moments in my life flashed before my eyes, so I thought I was really going to die. I was even sure that I had gone pale, until a friend asked, “Are you okay?” not only once. Maybe several times, I couldn’t be sure because all I could hear clearly was only my own extraordinarily loud heartbeats.

About fifteen minutes was it took to tame my fear. I tried the hardest to gather every last piece of courage that I had to continue the climb. But this time, I wouldn’t hesitate to ask for help. Everything turned to be much easier.

Before 5 am, we reached the peak and it was the most ecstatic moment in my life. The sky was like a giant page of a fairytale book. Full of stars. They’re blazing, breaking the darkness apart. It was when I felt much, much alive. And down there, the city was made of lights. When the sun rose, all I could feel was gratitude to witness another beautiful day. I made sure that I captured all those amazing sceneries in my mind and I would keep them for a long, long time. In addition, I would keep them with all the smiles I gathered from all those beautiful people up there.

Pic 1. Sunrise From the Peak of Sibayak

                             

Pic 2. With Beautiful People I adore

When I reflected and realized what happened on the Mountain, for the first time in my life, I didn’t feel miserable when I asked for help. I felt that I have stepped and leveled up to be a little wiser to acknowledge that there’s no way I could do everything by myself. Those terrifying moments up there turned to be the moments of strength in weaknesses. But wait, did I regret?

Never even once, because I figured out an important lesson I couldn’t find anywhere else: We don’t have to feel sorry for acknowledging our humanness, something we all share.

Moreover, I started to realize how those experiences connect to my Toastmasters journey. Being a club president doesn’t mean I have to do everything alone. For all these times, I keep being supported by my committees and how I was such a fool for not realizing it earlier.

I probably wrote this for my future self, when I need to be constantly reminded, not feeling okay doesn’t always mean vulnerable. To those souls out there, you’re not a burden when you have tried hard but you still need someone to be strong. If we have to hold on to someone, cry on their shoulders, to put our feet together, it’s absolutely fine too because…

Humans are made to help one another with the arms wide open. That’s how we find strength in all of our weaknesses.

-ASA-

A Poem : Slip Away

There would be times when we had to go through the hardest phase in our life in order to evolve into an individual attributed with higher level of maturity. And most of the time, this phase doesn't merely happen once. It's on our replay list all the time without us knowing how to be numb. But I guess, instead of wondering why, it's always a perfect way for us to learn to be wise. 

So I wrote a poem about letting go.

The wind blows, a whisper

would bring us hope

Calm is the sea,

Gentle is the kiss of the wave on the ocean

but the sea-bird, struck by lightning

could there be a bright summer day?

without a storm 

breaking the dawn.

You and I are destined

to be inseparable

You and I,

nights and days, darkness and stars, love and wound,

pleasure and pain.

But what if they told us,

that's one last chance to feel alive?

That day when the wind blows again,

leaves are falling,

Have they just died

Fighting to stay intact

So go grab them by the hand

Hold them tight, don't let them touch the ground

Just to know that

Have they just died

Twice.

Darling, you killed them

Little did you know

The tighter you hold onto

The more misery you put them to

It reminds me of you,

the pain that consumes your heart.

Falling leaves, frail and crumbled

Let them slip away

Let your heart heal and be set free

For some answers need no grasp

A storm knows no limit

A broken song sung on a colossal stage

But at least,

you and I now know how to rhyme.

-ASA-

Soak and Drown

Being the reason of someone’s happiness, even if it’s just for a moment is a precious feeling. I love seeing, or if it’s possible, making people smile, because there’s something about smiling that brings out the best in individuals. For the same reason, I surround myself with those people who always try to make my days brighter and my nights warmer. I really love to be around those who constantly add sweet flavor into my dark chocolate ice cream. So, let me share the lesson I learnt through my sharing session with a beautiful individual who always lifts up others and helps as many people as possible bloom to their fullest potential.

One of my closest friends in my home club in Toastmasters, a passionate soul, dedicated educator, a kind-hearted woman with all of her imperfections and quirks, but somehow always manages to be an exemplary leader for everyone. Just like the meaning of her name, she’s a blazing honeycomb-yellow sun, born naturally with leading personalities. That evening, when we’re out for dinner, she taught me valuable lesson that I couldn’t find anywhere else, especially since we’re both are educators. It’s been quite some time since I had such memorable talk with someone and I felt content for many reasons I can’t elaborate.

She’s well-known and well-loved amongst kids. Not only because she’s motherly, but also because she has the capability of spreading joy and nurturing others into the best individuals alive. No wonder she’s loved. No wonder she’s beautiful. However the main ingredient to produce such great impact on those little monsters whom we called blessings might look simple but practically not so.

It’s love. It’s all about love. Pure. Wholeheartedly.

“I am even willing to roll on the floor with those kids, get my shirt dirty. I’m willing to do whatever I’m capable of to make them learn happily. None of them would ever heard something negative out of my mouth because positive words are the key to every locked door.” She said with an expression I almost couldn’t guess, but I’m pretty sure, it’s passion.

I was scratching my head, feeling astonished to know how someone’s able to pour so much love to whom she works for. Yes, she’s definitely not working for the school, but she’s working for better generation. A labor of love. A type of love that sometimes can’t be understood, where it overflows through our whole blood vessel and fills our system with euphoria and agony at the same time. Such a nonsense, but it exists.

“It’s easy to provide knowledge to them, but not just everyone can win their hearts. At the time we decided to jump into education field, we have to make sure that we soak ourselves and get drown—drown to the deepest point because there’s no way out. We have to do it wholeheartedly.”

They said, words are more powerful than any weapon on earth. The positive influence of words can reach millions of hearts and minds. Those words of hers that day have been ringing continuously and probably they’re going to stay for a long long time with me. Thus, I took time to reflect and found out that I had been living my life dishonestly.

Have I really soaked myself? Has it been deep enough? Have I done it right?

It’s never too late to get drown and love our lives wholeheartedly, it’s not only about the things we do, but also about those people around us. Give a full effort in everything, treat everyone with the same respect, love without restraint and reciprocation, because in the end of the day, those beautiful smiles of theirs would always be our most cherished memory.

-ASA-

Bridge of Mistakes

There are times when we make decisions that we aren’t proud of. No one likes to screw up and I guess, every of us wishes to make the right decision, one hundred percent of the time. Especially, living in a culture that glorify perfectionism, only two possible choices await in life: crossing the bridge by making one precise shot or not crossing at all and being a total failure. However, after a sharing session with one dedicated Toastmasters member, Robin, I realized that the mixture of both choices, somehow, makes an absolute great pair, just like seafood and Champagne or fried chicken and beer. And to our surprise, those bad mistakes we’ve made a few apparently turn to be the bridge.

Just for a few slices of background information, Robin is a businessman who has particular interest in networking and investment. One of the reasons why I possess a huge curiosity to interview him was because, like everybody else, he committed several mistakes too, even repeatedly but as I watched him grow, I am constantly fascinated by how prudent he has always been in terms of handling bad outcomes.

“I did regret a lot when I made my first few mistakes, but now as I look back, it wasn’t probably the right thing to do. So, what would I do, once an opportunity passed and I failed it, I’d try to look at another new thing.”

Those solid statements of his hit me, as I used to keep looking at the wreckage I made whenever I jumped into bad decisions and hate myself for what I’ve caused. But then, if only we tried one more time to bundle up those mistakes, stash them into our locked memory and look at things in a new perspective, there could be new opportunities behind those mistakes.

To add on, according to him, for the opportunities to come, understanding the cause is what we need the most instead of just mourning for the wrong track we took. When we are able to accept and understand our mistakes, that’s when we can turn them into opportunities.

“Just like how we pronounce this word ‘catastrophe’, there’s the word ‘trophy’ in ‘catastrophe’. So long story short, if I had not failed in my previous business, I wouldn’t have started this one. That is also why our little choices, even if they’re mistakes, they’re connected to what we’re today.”

To me, it sounds much like a blessing in disguise and also a chain reaction. Giving me new beautiful perspective, instead of locking up his mistakes in his deepest memory, he made use of them by building a bridge to cross for another new thing that might bring him success.

Afterall, to continue walking on the bridge could be scary, but at the same time it’s the place where we can reevaluate, restart, and cross to the other side. Life will throw so many things at us, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t able to handle the storms. It’s okay to make mistakes and it’s up to us whether or not we build the bridge.

-ASA-

A Masterpiece, Bursts in Colours

I used to describe a person in one specific colour, because it's easier to paint a picture of someone rather than to characterize him words by words. Well, not talking about skin colour obviously, but it's the colour that's displayed based on personality and attitude.

In 2017, when I first joined my home club in Toastmasters, I couldn't help but judged the other members based on colours too. That tall tidy guy with pomade hair and glasses, he has the colour of silver which describes elegance, wisdom, responsibility and dignity. That young girl who is still a student in a university, she has the colour of red which reflects bravery, passion and a very strong energy to learn. That athletic guy who speaks in a sophisticated accent showed a bright yellow colour as a representative of how a human being can be so intellectual, open-minded and attractive.

So, I saw them in colours. But generally, in just single colour. That was how I perceived people in general but then more and more details would come up after being trapped in an awkwardly beautiful connection called friendship.

As time passed by, it's not hard to get attached with one another after learning about and receiving each other's flaws. I was amazed on how we could build such strong bonding within a very short span of time. The road we're walking on isn't always smooth. We had disagreement and misunderstanding sometimes, but that bumpy road led us to be stronger, especially when we're finally willing to compromise. Gradually, I realized these people in my home club, they exist in more than just single colour because each of them is a masterpiece that bursts in colours. Even more than dozens of colours. And that's just how fascinating a human being can be.

Apart from always looking steady and professional, they taught me that it's totally fine if we messed up sometimes. Craving for love desperately today and having a desire of being alone the next day, it's understandable somehow. And by the time we run way too fast until we can't catch our breath, it's absolutely not a sin to slow down.

Just like them, you and I are not simply red, silver or yellow. We're not always static, we don't follow the same path. People learn throughout time and experience for continual growth and discovery ups and downs, it's just cruel to imprison them in one colour. Most often the case is, we get so disappointed when they don't appear as the colour we perceived.

But again, let's remind ourselves that we're not just happy or angry. There are numerous emotions running through our head, that's how splendid it is. We don't always know what we want and where we're headed and amazingly, it is fine too because our complex emotions, imperfection and vulnerability turn us to be a masterpiece.

And I guess, I am one of the luckiest because my home club is a non-judgemental community where I am free to burst in colours and watch them burst too.

That's how usually love starts.

-ASA-

The Flower That Blooms

I entered college when I was sixteen years old and graduated before I turned twenty. My entire life was a preconceived structure that had been set to certain goal, to certain time, where I was told to graduate before 21, get my first job before 23, get married before 25 and have my first child before 30.

And there I was, wondering if being on track to those numbers would deliver contentment. So there I was, questioning why everything in life has to be measured by numbers and why we couldn't free our sole existence from the rule established by the society: if we don't do something that should have been done at certain time or certain age, we're going to be trapped in a label of incompetence. It's how it gets started: we begin to compare our timelines to other people's timelines.

However, annual sunflowers sprout quickly, within seven to ten days, but it is necessary to wait for about 2 months before the bright flowers appear in shade of yellow, bronze, orange, red and brown. Lilies bloom within 18 months before they would spread their magical and sweet fragrance that resembles spicy bubblegum. And my favourite flower, rarely blooms the first year after planting. Only after 3 years, we could finally cheer on the glorious arrival of dazzling peonies with their spectacular display of colours, unbridled petals and delicate, intoxicating fragrance.

For all those facts I've stolen somewhere on the internet, what I had neglected all the time was even flowers bloom at different pace with incomparable charm. And one most important thing: they still bloom anyway.

Toastmasters is a garden full of flowers where diversity is real. I was amazed by how some flowers bloom at early stage with all their humbleness and some might bloom late but then truly cherish their long-awaited accomplishment. It was remarkable considering how life doesn't always what it seems, where looking accomplish is more important than being an accomplished person. Nonetheless, people in Toastmasters taught me that life is never a racing game.

So it's when I discovered, there is no way that our journey would mimic the journey of others as ours will be filled by its own exclusivity. We bloom exclusively with different dirt on our branches, different proportion of sunlight and different kisses of the insects' that come and go. We're allowed to follow our own timelines instead of letting others rush us to bloom.

It's okay to set our own deadlines as long as it serves aspirations to keep us blooming. But afterall, at this very moment, we're the one who formulate our distinct journey because our existence is all about living the moments. Everything else comes later.

In the end of the day, you and I, will always be the flower that blooms. Let's have faith in our own timing.

-ASA-

La Vie En Rose

I decided to bring this topic up for some reasons that might be too long to be elaborated. So, let me just keep it short. La vie en rose, a French phrase that could be translated to "life through pink tinted glasses", depicts a state of bliss where everything appears cheerful, to the person who wears the glasses, obviously. And in this case, I want it to be me because I have wasted almost my entire life whining about the things I couldn't change. So this time, allow me to sprinkle a pinch of positivism to neutralise all the negative ingredients on a giant plate called life.

It's beautiful to remind each other that when we change the way we look at things, that's how the things we look at change.

It's easy to be happy when everything in life goes well. Anyway, life itself is a constant journey of discovery. Although it's hard to accept, the journey isn't always pretty. It includes suffering, failure, doubts and most of the time, fear. It's full of a big fat mess of heartbreaks and betrayals, hence making us believe that happiness is abstract. Oh yes, it is indeed abstract.

Nonetheless, it's just miraculous to find that it's not entirely abstract since happiness depends on the way we look at things.

Let's take an example of how I spent more than two years regretting my decision of coming back to this town. I hated every part of it: the culture, where the youngsters have to be completely submissive; the traffic where hundreds of cars are stuck in the middle of intersection; and even the people, who define rudeness as some kind of achievement. How I wished I had been clever enough to make judgement for myself. How I wished I had never stepped on this forest full of "wild animals". How I wished I had been wiser.

Apart from those regrets, there's this one remorse of mine coming up later: I wished I had been seeing things differently.

For almost two years, I let myself immerse in my own scepticism. I was so frightened that I would change myself into one of those people I hated, so I drew back and stopped giving myself a shot. But slowly, as I met new great people in Toastmasters, I realised that I had been seeing things in a misguided way.

So I tried to put on those rose-tinted glasses and change the way I see things. Inevitably, a vague shape of happiness forms on that plate, leaving me in an awe. Happiness is no longer abstract for me, it is just a matter of perspective.

I no longer suffer and deny that I should have been in a better place, instead I accepted the reality that I had to move on, live and love my life to the fullest despite the pain, which eventually makes me feel much, much alive.

Just like me, I hope you find joy amidst your broken days. I hope that your heart collects itself whenever it gets broken and learns to love again. I hope you can see life through rose-tinted glasses.

La Vie En Rose.

-ASA-

Fears

She thought it was just a nightmare when she watched him walk away. Part of herself wished that it wasn't real whereas the rest was dying. She didn't know when and how to let go, but probably letting go wouldn't help anyway.

She was fearful of the things that occurred in her head. She lost herself sometimes, drowning in worries and her own darkest side. She's scared of her own thoughts that might kill her in silence. Sometimes, they were screaming at her till she felt like going deaf. Why on earth would she care so much for the one who hurt her the most? Why would she be so naive?

When she was young, she lived in a fairytale. It was somewhere far for you to find. She never knew that other world exists because she was too busy living in her own world.

Then they met.

He dragged her into his world, contaminating her with existence of euphoria, desire, jealousy and illogical little thing called love. She flew from her comfortable little zone. She was struggling when she tried to taste his world. She finally gave up everything to be with him. That's when he became her biggest fear.

It was when she learned about pain of losing her everything when he walked away.

It was when she forgot that she wasn't supposed to care too much and stray too far from her home.

It was when she learned that even regretting has always been too late.

She lost her way back. She wandered around but no one to help. She was scared of getting hurt again. She was even frightened to dream.

Because her dreams were sometimes too bright that she might go blind.

Because her dreams might turn to nightmares.

And lastly, because she was a coward.

She tried to gather back every broken piece of hers and crawl her way back. The road was never easy. She had to walk extra miles, put on a fake smile and hide away her fears. Eventually she had grown a little bit more. She had never been the one she used to be.

Until another he found her.

Maybe this time, he was the right one to wash away her tears and draw a smile on her cheeks.

Maybe this time, he was the answer of her prayers.

Maybe.

And just bear in mind, she has never been the same girl she used to be.

She is the girl who overcomes fears.


ASA

Beautiful Things I Adore

I love the smell of freshly brewed coffee, the feeling of driving on the empty road during daylight, spacious bedroom with huge windows attached and walking around the garden full of flowers. Yes, sun-flowers, roses, tulips, baby breaths and basically every flower. I like the feeling of taking hot shower and throwing my body on the bed after an exhausting day.

I am obsessed with poems, love songs, classical music and paintings. They are like aspirin to my soul. I love beaches and sunsets. They seem to be destined together to create a breathtaking view. I love resting my body on the top of the hills, facing the miniatures of the whole city. It feels like I own the whole world. I fancy the shower of warm sunlight on my hair during autumn. I adore mountains and their scent. Best place for stargazing.

Nonetheless, apart from all of those, my favourite is you. Yes, you. I am always captivated by your eyes. Those eyes which are full of affection and tenderness. They are so peaceful like a night sky. I do admit I get lost in there sometimes. There were times when they looked at me, they might turn shaky and strayed with thousands of silent worries and I promised myself that I would chase away those fears in your eyes.

And there you smile. I am infatuated. Those dimples on both your cheeks make me forget to breath. Those smiling eyes are my treasures too. I never get bored of them. Thus I promised myself I would draw that smile on your face because I simply love it.

I love your thick and messy hair. When it grows longer, it tickles my face often. I get very comfortable with those big warm hands of yours intertwined in mine. I like your accent when you are talking. I laugh on your jokes, even the lamest ones because I am simply entertained. I love how you care of me so much. I feel your sincerity as I am loved and treated like a princess. I adore everything about you.

At least, one thing that I know for sure. You, staying by my side, is just perfect for me. You are the most beautiful thing I have. Everything else comes later.

ASA

A Selfless Love

Like a star on the dark horizon,
Like a rising sun after the gloomy winter,
Like rainbows after the pouring rain,
You taught me about tomorrow's hope.

For every tantrum I threw,
For every complaints I made,
For every misbehave I did,
Begging for love in a selfish way,
Yet you never walk away.

When life turned like a broken-winged bird,
You taught me how to dream,
But what am I,
I am just your little girl,
Seeking for places I've never expected,
Searching for things I've never seen,
No matter how far I wander,
Your love never fails me,
Because I know that you are home.

If being proud is all I can give at last,
I will make sure it will never be too late,
But it is something I can't repay,
Because that kind of love is called selfless.

PS : We are often busy growing up. Please remember, our parents are growing old too.

ASA

Kesempatan

"Hai teman, katamu, hidup itu adalah pertarungan. Menangkanlah.

Hai teman, kalau hidup adalah pertarungan, siapa yang akan bertarung bersamaku? Apakah kita sekutu? Ataukah kau musuhku? Mungkin yang paling buruk, apakah aku sendirian?

Hai teman, kalau hidup adalah pertarungan, bagaimana cara memenangkannya? Dimana senjataku?

Hai teman,  kalau hidup memang pertarungan, tolonglah aku karena masih banyak pertanyaan-pertanyaan yang tidak bisa kujawab sendirian.

...Tapi teman, apakah aku bisa memercayaimu?"

Konyol rasanya, seorang cewek yang beranjak dewasa malah masih sibuk mencari jati dirinya. Well, bukankah seharusnya masa-masa itu sudah lama berlalu? Di satu sisi aku merasa bingung, karena nggak ada seorang pun yang pernah memperingatiku kalau "kehilangan" jati diri nggak hanya datang sekali seumur hidup.

Awalnya aku kira, kehilangan tujuan hidup bukanlah hal yang biasa. Aku pikir aku kalah. Bermacam-macam pertanyaan menggema di kepalaku hampir setiap malam. Tapi kemudian aku sadar kalau aku bukanlah satu-satunya orang yang masih mengais-ngais untuk menemukan impian yang nyata. Masih banyak orang di luar sana yang bahkan nggak berani bermimpi karena takut terjatuh dan akhirnya terluka parah. Atau yang lebih buruknya, sebagian dari mereka terlarut dalam zona nyaman dan nggak menyadari kalau sebenarnya mereka tersesat.

Aku bersyukur aku kehilangan arah untuk melangkah, karena akhirnya aku diberi kesempatan untuk mencari dan menemukan diriku sendiri. Aku nggak bisa bilang aku sudah memenangkan pertarungan, but I am certain that I am on my way there. Mungkin aku masih terlalu muda untuk mengajari tentang hidup, tapi biarkan aku membagikan jawaban dari pertanyaan-pertanyaan yang sempat nggak terlihat jalan keluarnya.

1. Pentingnya spiritualisme

   Kalau aku nggak memutuskan untuk merantau sendirian ke ibukota, mungkin aku nggak akan mengerti seberapa pentingnya nilai spiritualisme dalam hidupku. Saat teman-teman lain punya kehidupan yang terlihat menyenangkan, aku harus struggle memikirkan menu makan malamku, kapan aku punya waktu untuk membersihkan toiletku atau merapikan lemari bajuku dan juga meringis setiap kali merogoh kantong untuk mengisi bensin, membayar biaya parkir dan masuk tol. Baru sekarang aku mengerti pribahasa, lebih besar pasak daripada tiang.

   Di saat teman-teman lain sedang berkumpul dengan anggota keluarga mereka, jangan tanya apakah aku iri karena itu jelas pertanyaan retoris. Bagi kalian yang tinggal sendirian, aku yakin kalian merasa kesepian walaupun punya banyak teman yang selalu siap diajak nongkrong bersama. Nggak ada salahnya kita "kabur" melalui jalan spiritualisme, "nongkrong" bareng Sang Pencipta. Selain merasa tenang, aku yakin kita nggak lagi merasa kesepian. Saat itu jugalah, kita sadar bahwa sejak lama kita sudah mempunyai sekutu dalam pertarungan kita.

2. Pikiran adalah senjata

   Menjadi seseorang yang positif dalam keadaan yang penuh tekanan bukanlah hal yang sangat mungkin dilakukan. Kalau untukku, malah nyaris mustahil, apalagi mengingat aku dibesarkan di keluarga yang serba negatif. Percayalah, untuk memenangkan pertarungan, pikiran positif adalah senjata yang paling ampuh. Whether the battle is tough or not, it depends on the way you look at it. It's the matter of perception.

  Aku kenal baik dengan seseorang yang punya pikiran sangat positif. Aku selalu bilang, "Hari jumat masih lama. Aku udah capek kerja."
  Dengan santai, dia membalas, "Sabar ya, kan udah hari selasa. Sebentar lagi weekend."
  Aku terpana mendengar jawaban itu. Di dalam pikiranku, aku selalu mengeluh, "masih hari selasa," tapi seseorang yang positif seharusnya berpikir, "udah hari selasa."

  Saat itu aku merasa malu pada diriku sendiri. Hidup itu sulit, tapi kenapa aku masih mempersulit hidupku sendiri dengan menolak berpikiran positif? Thanks to him, karena sekarang aku menemukan senjata untuk memenangkan pertarunganku.


3. Berhenti membanding-bandingkan

   Setiap orang memiliki masa sulit yang berbeda-beda. Lagipula, apa yang kelihatan di luar belum tentu seindah yang di dalam. Ditambah lagi, pengaruh dari social media yang menimbulkan kecemburuan massal, wajar aja hidup kita nggak tenang dan dipenuhi keinginan untuk mengikuti perkembangan jaman.

  Apapun yang terjadi, bersyukur dalam segala hal, mulai dari yang terkecil adalah kunci dari setiap masalah. Daripada membanding-bandingkan diri sendiri dengan orang lain dan harus hidup dalam keinginan untuk melebihi yang lainnya, kenapa nggak mencoba untuk menjadi versi yang lebih baik dari diri kita yang lama?

  Hai teman, hidup sebenarnya adalah pertarungan dengan diri kita sendiri.

4. Memfilter setiap perkataan

   Dalam pertarungan kita, kadang kita nggak mengerti siapa yang harus kita percaya. Ada bermacam-macam jenis manusia di dunia ini. Dunia yang dulunya terlihat sempit, sekarang entah kenapa berubah jadi luas dan asing. Menyenangkan rasanya kalau bisa punya banyak teman yang mendorong kita untuk bisa lebih baik. Tapi, gimana rasanya kalau ternyata kita malah terdorong ke bawah dan lupa caranya bangkit?

  Ada komentar-komentar orang lain yang nggak pantas didengarkan. Kalau kita saja bisa iri melihat kehidupan orang lain, aku yakin banyak orang yang iri melihat kehidupan kita. But guys, you can't please everyone. Aura negatif bisa masuk darimana saja, walaupun aura itu telah dikemas rapi dalam guyonan-guyonan penuh arti. Jadilah seseorang yang cerdas, yang teguh pendiriannya dan nggak terpengaruh dengan serangan-serangan tersebut. Mungkin juga, ada kalanya kita membalas serangan tersebut, bak di pertarungan yang sesungguhnya. Tapi sekali lagi, hidup adalah pertarungan dengan diri kita sendiri, bukan orang lain.

 Untuk kalian yang sedang tersesat, jangan takut. Aku pun sama. Aku yakin, kita bisa belajar untuk menemukan diri kita sendiri dan memenangkan pertarungan kita.

Karena hidup bukan semata-mata pertarungan. Hidup adalah tempat untuk kita "tersesat" dan menemukan jati diri kita.

 NB: I constantly tell myself not to fight back those attacks. I know I have to be more patient and positive, because that's actually the way to win. I might have failed but I will try. Please keep reminding me. 

ASA
 

A strong-minded woman

Hi all, it's been awhile since I last blogged. I always write whenever I have something in my mind, most likely a burden to me, so that at least I would be relieved by sharing it to you all. I know it's not really a good idea because people do judge, they tend to think how I really love to complain so much. Actually, I do want people who read my writings find a lesson, so that they won't be repeating the same mistake like I did. Well, I have this dream since I was in junior high school, that I could someday bless people with my writings. And I hope, it's not merely a dream.

Just yesterday, I read an article with title "Why All Men Cheat on Loyal Women" written by Kevin Hart, you can google it or find it in wordpress of course. Well, since this article was written by a male, I guess he understands the circumstances a lot, so other males would not complain about how the article was written just to only please females and make them demand more from their partner. Admit it, you guys must be fed-up when reading an article written by females with title "100 things that gentlemen should do" or bla bla bla. Anyway, I guess, the article I mentioned above previously deserves attention from both men and women.

One thing written there made me realise how important it is to be a strong-minded woman. Being a strong-minded woman doesn't necessarily mean being stubborn, prideful or superior. No one likes this kind of woman, I bet. I realised a thing from my previous relationship, how I used to be so insecure and weak. I've just noticed this when I read the article yesterday. I used to be truly inferior, I never realised how much I worth, I let others hurt me again and again, thinking that I had to be real strong to endure the pain. But then I felt like I was getting slapped right in my face. Hello, I was not strong at all by giving others chance to disrespect me. I was really WEAK for letting myself fall into insecurity, treating my partner as if he was a KING and making myself think that LOVE needs SACRIFICE. It's kinda embarrassing though. I am actually a very stubborn and determined kind of person but I had this wrong perception about love. I used to think that whenever you love someone, anything else doesn't matter. You might be hurt, you might feel really horrible, you might cry a river, as long as you could make your partner happy, you would find your happiness as well. Crap, don't ever, ever, ever believe in something like that, I am telling you now. It is so TRUE that sacrifice is essential in love relationship, it's not wrong at all. But come to think of it, what kind of sacrifice is it? Are you really willing to do it for the rest of your life? Are you sacrificing alone? You know, having a relationship is a win-win situation. You make yourself happy first, then only you can make your partner happy. If there is only a person trying her/his ass off to keep the relationship whereas the other side has no intention of making effort, it's just useless. The boat would crack and eventually it would be sunken into the deepest ocean. Still wanna be a heroine who tried her best to save those two hearts at once? No, thanks, once is more than enough since nothing actually could be saved. And you would know, it is the time to wave goodbye to the wrong one so that you can experience a new hello :)

Remember, if you have fixed your heart and mind, learn to be a strong-minded woman, you will be ready for the new hello. I kept telling myself that I should love myself first in order to love others. I have to fulfil myself first in order to find a new love. My previous relationship taught me a lot about being strong and loyal, so even though it could be a mistake but it is something that made me move closer to the kind of woman I want to be. I won't regret it.

To conclude, a strong-minded woman is basically a confident, intelligent and independent individual who knows how WORTHY she is as a human being. She won't let others hurt her or disrespect her. She has her own meaning of love. She knows when to forgive and let go. She understands when to be tough and when to give in. She won't compromise liar and cheater just because she loves him so much. She loves herself first and makes herself happy. Only then she can do the same thing to others. It is not as simple as it is written here, but trying is not a sin, no?

To all guys out there, please tell her how valuable she is. Tell her if she's being weak and insecure. Treat her well like she's a queen if you want to be treated like a king. Do apologise first if you know you're wrong, throwing away your pride for good doesn't kill at all. If she can't leave you even after you hurt her so bad, tell her so, tell her to leave you just like he did to me because sometimes girls never realise how much stupid sacrifice they have made. Thanks to him, I am now a better me. I have finally understood the thing that he told me "you would understand someday". Thanks to him for saying "you deserve better". Thanks.

To all girls out there, I know I am not old or experienced enough to tell you this, but let's grow to be a strong-minded woman who is mentally mature and has integrity. If you're not happy in your relationship, or if you're always putting your partner's happiness before yours and you feel tortured by doing so, examine yourself first and discuss it with your partner. If he can't take it, then just leave it. You are worthy and demanding more than you could imagine. Find a man who knows your value, who respects you and who is willing to grow together in faith. You deserve the best.

ASA

My only wish

Hi all, it's March again in 2014. The time passed really quick, I feel suffocated somehow. My honours year is going to end soon, but I am still dying settling my stupid experiment. I failed frequently in my lab work, had not-so-good mark for my assignment and faced ups and downs psychologically. I am still hoping that I can graduate with that grade I have been expecting though, at the other side, I am frighten of having too high expectation. People are looking at me as someone who is very cheerful, flexible, confident and determined. How I hope it is true.

Anyway, this is not the main thing I would like to share. The only thought that I have right now is about someone who used to be so important to me. I understand people that often realised how important a person could be after she/he lost him/her. No, I am not talking about myself this time. I am talking about someone.  As I told you before, I feel really happy and contented right now. I have somehow found my happiness. I have found someone else who cares of me so much, who can love me the way I am and whom I love the most as well. I am really grateful to find someone like him, really. Some people could think that I moved on too fast, but well that's a joke. A HUGE JOKE. They don't even know how hard it was to have your heart broken into pieces. They have no idea how suffering it was to fix those broken pieces. They just don't know. I was even thinking that I would never be able to move on. Well, it's true that I have settled my feeling and it did not take only a night or two. It felt like it took forever. To tell you the truth, some people just can't be forgotten. They remain in your heart. You will always remember them no matter what, but you just know, there is no more love left.

I worry about him sometimes. He, who always acted cool as if nothing happened. I knew he just realised how important a person is after she left. I knew he went through such sleepless nights just like what I had been through. However, there are things that I want him to know. I want him to be happy, just like how happy I feel right now. I don't want him to regret. I want him to love someone again, deeply and seriously. No games played.  If he can finally find his happiness again in the near future, how I hope he can cherish it this time. No more tears. No more heartbreak. And how I hope I was the last person to draw that sorrow on his face. How I wish that I was really the last person who broke his heart and saw his tears. Please, be happy and don't ever regret.

I know that I don't have any right to say those things as everything about us has ended in such way. I regretted once, and that's enough. I hated him once, and that's more than enough. I just know that he was once important to me and I had loved him like crazy, but yes, we are never meant to be together.
We are just meant to be lesson for each other. We walk on different path right now. Stop looking back at me as I promise myself I will not ever look back. I once made him promise that he will live a better life after I left, no more nightlife, no more getting drunk at the dawn and no more tears. I wonder if he still remembers. And again, I just want to remind him not to regret for what had happened. God had put us this way to have ourselves improved. We have finally learnt to be a better version of ourselves, no? Be grateful for it, and I know he is :)

PS: I am really grateful to have met him. I could be not good enough, but I am better than I used to be. I now know the taste of heartbreak and I know how to love someone deeply. I also know how beautiful to be the first to apologise. I know how good it was to throw away my pride and ego for the sake of someone else's. Thanks to him.

ASA

Happiness

Recently I have been always thinking what actually happiness means. How could you describe that you actually have lived a happy life? I just figured out that happiness isn't always described as wealth, popularity, intelligence and beauty. You don't necessarily have to be successful or marry a perfect man/woman to be happy. Well, I know that everyone has their own kind of happiness, though. At least, I have found mine.

I am probably not as pretty and smart as other girls. My family is not as rich as other families. I don't really buy branded bags and shoes, I never dare to buy expensive stuffs without calling my mom first. I don't have my own regular income yet (Don't get me wrong, I think it's just reasonable for me since I am still 20). I am a loner at times who enjoys being alone so much, and I am not famous at all (I was a nerd in high school). I have never gained popularity. Okay, I don't think that being able to win a singing competition in my high school could make me popular since nobody really bothered about that. Nonetheless, why do people care so much about being rich, smart, pretty and popular where actually apart from those, we can find our happiness? 

A question that stuck in my mind for more than a week that eventually made me realize that I have been really contented all the time, well I am not sure since when. 

A friend of mine asked me, "If you can fly through the time and change some moments in your life, what would you like to change?".

I lifted my head and firmly answered, "Nothing. I would change nothing." 

I was really surprised by my own answer, but it was the moment I realized that I could not be more grateful than that. If you know me well, you will know that I complained a lot about my school, hoping that I could do better and get best grades. But again, you don't have to be perfect, to feel contented. Well, talking about being perfect, do you even know how to define perfection? Everybody has their own measurement of perfection. Nobody's perfect anyway. And if you keep concerning about "what everybody thinks" about you, you can never be happy. Trust me. 

Therefore, rule number 1 to live a happy life: stop comparing yourself to others. You can never improve yourself if you just look at others. Everyone has their own excellence and limitation. You can't expect everyone else to be like you, or vice versa, you can't never be like others. Just do your best and you'll figure out how many people are jealous of you at the end. 

Rule number 2 to be happy: don't listen to those people who always spread the negativity. Don't involve yourself to those who can only bring you down to their levels. Choose your friends cleverly. If they bring no good to you at all and suck out your happiness instead, you have nothing left to say but goodbye. Surround yourself with those who care of you, who dare to scold you when you're doing wrongs and those who are able to draw a smile on your face :) Don't waste your time for those who always hurt you. Not to forget, you always have to forgive those people who make mistakes because the time you take a step of forgiveness, you're adding points to your own happiness. 

Rule number 3: don't stop learning to be better. As I have mentioned earlier in my previous posts (I forgot which post), people learn through trials and turbulence. Sometimes we can only learn through hard ways, that's right. Stay strong and be determined. How could you be able to grow if you kept complaining about stuffs and refused to walk till the end? You would never be more mature. And it does mean that you'll never find the happiness of yours. Frankly speaking, those who always rely on others will never find their happiness as well. You know why? Because people are disappointing, when you have no one to rely on, you'll regret your dependence on others. It will be the time you realize that you can do nothing without others. Believe me, you'll regret.

Rule number 4, I guess it's related to the previous point: stop doing things that you'll regret in the future. Examples? Well, I know this is kind of offensive, but to tell you the truth, I always think someone who spends their time and money on clubbing, alcoholic beverages, cigarette and women is just idiot. Those stupid stuffs may bring you happiness, that's right, nothing wrong with that. But is it really a long-term happiness? Tell me what's good about those things I mentioned above? Fun? Refreshing? Releasing stress? Wait until you're 50 years old. You're broke, sitting alone suffering from lung cancer, or gut disease and it will also be the time you wanna fly back to undo your own mistakes. Nah, that's too late.

I know I am too young to tell you all about life. But at least I hope that this writing of mine could make you reminisce yourself, how well you have lived your life. If this writing can't bless others, at least it can be a reminder for me in the future. 

Live your life well, friends. We have no time for regret.

ASA

Relationship

Before the title of this writing freaks you out, let me explain why I decided to write about this. So yea, recently I have been reading and reminiscing lotsa things about relationship (this topic is so happening in my church right now, and I don't understand why intentionally or unintentionally I have been reading many articles regarding this). And the most significant thing that made me realize how beautiful it is to be in a right relationship was after watching a wedding video of my friends who just got married few days ago. Well, I am not sure whether this reason could be valid, but yea, at least I've tried to find reasons why my mind is so busy thinking about these stuffs lately.

Well, talking about the wedding video, when I watched it I was feeling so happy and envious at the same time. I could not find any vocabulary that could describe how beautiful the wedding was. They looked happy, literally. And it was a kind of happiness with no flaw at all. You just couldn't stop smiling when you saw both of them, and at times you found yourself teary. I am just amazed how a wedding could make me feel so blessed although I was only watching it from a video. Just like a ring that fits your ring finger, I believe that God will send someone compatible with you, makes you realize why it never worked out with somebody else.

Let's think about getting into a  relationship. I never mean to lecture anybody here, so no offense. Most of you think that you should TRY to be in relationship first to know whether it would work or not at the end. And most of you think that once you like or love someone, you should TRY to be in the relationship with that person. But there is one thing I would like to tell, although you love a person so much until you think that you are willing to move a mountain or split the ocean just for her/him (I had been in this state before, not to brag), the feeling merely is not enough for a relationship, especially marriage. Feeling gets rusted as time passes by. What keeps people moving in their relationship is the foundation and commitment they built. You shouldn't TRY to be in relationship to know whether it's going to work or not. You should have known it would work if you want to be in relationship. Well, do you all get what I mean here? So again, BE in relationship once you know that it's going to work. Be in relationship once you know you're gonna make it till the end. Well, it sounds like I am selling clothes in the market but yea, "NO TRYING ALLOWED" when you're in relationship. All you have to do here is making effort to survive your relationship till the end, because it is not only talking about feeling, but also sacrifice and humbleness that count.

You should know that going out with someone with different principle and vision would never work for you because you just know you're not going to see him/her in your future either. So again, if you're currently in relationship, but you can't draw an image of you and her/him in your future, I see no reason of you continuing your relationship then. Relationship is not only for a short period of time. It is a life time moment. Respect and appreciate it.

Marriage is a REAL HUGE decision that you've ever made in your life. No turning back at all. No regret is allowed since God never favors divorce. Marriage only knows sacrifice and does not recognize selfishness. When you marry a person, you marry the whole family. It means you're ready for obstacles. Like it or not, you have to be ready to build new family and let go of your egos. You have to think about "giving" not "getting". This is the state where the maximum level of humbleness is required. Well, a lot of thinking to do before getting into one serious relationship huh?

Bear in mind, don't waste your time for games. We play no game in relationship. And I believe, all of us deserve the most beautiful relationship and marriage later on in the future (for those who is single of course), so don't worry and don't be envious. Live your life to its fullest. Don't get into relationship just because you're lonely. Be in relationship when you're ready and mature enough :)

ASA

Fake it until you make it

Hello again, it's been quite some time since the last time I wrote. No, I won't be nagging about how unfair life is since we have already known about it. Just few things came into my mind lately which I'd like to share to you all. They said, why would we have to be worried all the time? Worrying won't help though, it'll only shorten your lifespan instead. However, there are just some things that we can't avoid. We tried to distract our mind on something else and well, it helped a lot at the moment. Nonetheless. it's just an escape. So, I repeat, it's an escape. Trust me, no matter how hard you try to distract your mind, it's still useless if you haven't made a deal with your heart.

So yeah, you'll start to find that this writing is so useless. You may stop reading. I don't care.

One thing I've learnt about life lately that I shouldn't have assumed too much. Well, humans love to make assumptions, no? That's just so natural. But everything comes with "too much" has never been good. Eating too much? You'll be gaining weight. Exercising too much? You'll be over-trained and most likely losing muscles. Singing too much? You'll be probably losing your voice on the next day. Duh, well, it's going off the topic now. Excuse me.

Well yea, how to deal with your heart then? Here, I'd like to share to you all how I have gone through the most terrible situation in my life. Frankly speaking, I have experienced depression before. Few times. Those moments were the worst I'd ever been. Waking up and realizing that no one's going to be by your side. Honestly, while you're being depressed, you'd feel that you're living alone in this world. Totally alone. You'd ignored everything. You'd forget how to smile. The only thing that you'd see was your own ache. Nothing else. You'd try to get along with any activity that could make you forget about the pain, but you just couldn't. It happened that way because you yourself never tried to deal with your heart. And your stupid assumptions made the situation even worse. You started to think wrongly and spread the negativity. Well, no wonder you're being so lonely now 'cause no one's going to get closed to you.

Making assumption is fine I guess. But not the negative ones. If you don't feel like assuming positively, then just don't assume anything. Because life is actually not that cruel, your assumptions make it so. I guess, by letting go, everything can be settled slowly. Letting go here does not only talk about persons, but also feelings and rights. I know, you can't simply let go of something or someone overnight, it takes time. Long time.

Have you ever heard this quote before? "Fake it until you make it". Pretend to let go, without assuming and expecting anything and once it's becoming your habit, you can slowly do it. You'll know how beautiful it is to get your heart fixed. This time, you're definitely getting stronger and more mature. The next time when people or life try to bring you down, you'll just know what to do.

Anyway, if some people annoy you a lot, stop being so angry and assuming things. They might not understand their faults. Letting go is the best way to mend everything. I like this quote as well, "Stop letting others bring you down to their level - refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs". An advice from me: if you have problem, don't keep it for your own and start complaining about how unfair life could be. Talk to someone else wiser than you. If people annoy you, communicate with those person you feel uneasy with. Their responses are their choices though, you have no control on them. But well, if they refuse to listen and give you negative feedback otherwise, that's their problems. Not yours. Your job is done here. As long as you have fixed your heart by letting go your feelings and rights, the rest comes later.

Nothing more important than fixing your heart, friends.

By the way, I really like the song "Fix You" by Coldplay recently. You may listen to it too while you're feeling blue :)

ASA

Only Time

No. Although the title resembles a song, but no one is going to sing this time. Alright, feel free to judge this writing as trash, I don't mind. Now, all I want to do is just to bring you all back to reminisce how powerful time can be. You are sitting in front of the screen right now, reading this writing of mine, so this is you right now. However, have you ever imagined where will you be in the next few months? Some of you might think that it doesn't really matter where you're gonna be and some might not even bother to think. Well, listen, today, I am going to tell you how amazing that time could turn every plan that you had.

Have you ever realized that time could be a healer and a jerk at the same time? In a few months, everything keeps changing. Just few months, not even years. While stranger turns into best friend and best friend turns into lover or the other way around, while best friend turns into enemy and lover turns into just friend or even stranger. It is really weird, isn't it? It's ridiculous that few months ago you loved someone too much until you think that he/she's your everything, but now you're just having a "hi-bye" relationship with that person or some of you even stop talking to each other. It's kinda sad seeing your good friends changing into somebody else as time passes by. It's really sad saying goodbye to those friends who were always there for you all those times. Goodbyes are always painful, symbolized as tears, heartbreaks and fear. Sometimes we just really wanna be someone's hardest goodbye. And most of the time, we never favor goodbyes. But what else can we do? Only time knows where those goodbyes will be. Only time understands where those hellos are going to be. Because time is so powerful, sometimes humans can only watch without having clues how the future could be.

Some people realize too late. They regret for not doing the things that they had to do in the past. We always hear the word "If Only" being uttered, but have you ever realized, no matter how many "Ifs" has been mentioned, it is not going to change the reality anyway. People come and go. Some are leaving their footprints, some are just meant to be lessons and only some stay. Time knows that very well.

Time would not only change someone's heart and characteristics, but it could turn someone's plan and future. There was a time when you could imagine clearly where you would be in the next five years. And there was time too, when you feel that your dream was not as vivid as it used to be. Time changes everything, right? Your thought, your vision, your plan, your views on something or someone and so on. But one thing you should have known. Don't let time be your fear. Don't lose to the power of time because losing your vision will be much painful than losing your sight. Trust me.

On the other hand, time could be a healer. Those pieces of wounded heart and those deep scars can be eventually fixed as time goes by. Characters are built after misery and tribulation. After those hardships and goodbyes, time will at last reward you with happiness and new hellos. Time will finally turn those moments in the past to be memories. Either bad or good, they remain memories. Remember the good ones, and bury the those bad ones. Just remember one thing, as God's most beautiful creatures, we deserve the best in this life.

Don't let anyone or anything grab your happiness away from you, not even time.

ASA