Kacamata Yang Mana?

Salah satu alasan kenapa hidup itu nggak gampang, ya karena begitu banyak orang yang mengenakan kacamata yang berbeda dalam menanggapi suatu hal sederhana dan personal. Lalu, bayangkan, orang yang berkacamata cembung, memaksa orang yang rabun jauh untuk memakai kacamata yang sama. Menurutku, di dunia ini banyak banget orang-orang yang memaksakan cara pandangnya ke orang lain. Itu jelas bakal memicu argumentasi. Bagi yang berpikiran luas, tentunya bakal menerima kalau di dunia ini memang semua orang berbeda. Bagi yang berpikiran sempit, ya bisa-bisa ada perdebatan sengit atau bahkan tawuran xD

Belakangan ini aku sangat tertarik membahas soal peran suami dan istri dalam kehidupan rumah tangga. Faktanya, masalah rumah tangga yang menurutku cukup pribadi ini entah kenapa menjelma menjadi urusan publik dibumbui oleh perdebatan panjang yang nggak ada habisnya selama beberapa dekade. Bahkan, negara aja berusaha mengintervensi ruang pribadi rakyatnya (bagi yang ngikutin soal pembahasan RUU pasti mengerti :D tapi aku nggak akan bahas soal ini di sini).

"Suami ya harusnya cari duit. Itu bukan urusan istri. Istri ya di rumah aja, jaga anak."
Ada kalimat seperti itu yang masuk ke message Instagramku beberapa saat lalu.

"Istri harus tau cara cari duit, dong. Kalau nggak ya bego namanya. Nggak mandiri."
Ada juga yang malah berpikir sebaliknya.

Rasanya perdebatan seperti ini udah nggak asing, kan? Tentu, bahkan di dalam keluarga besarku sendiri yang jumlahnya nggak lebih dari lima belas orang, masih memperdebatkan siapa yang harus bekerja dan siapa yang harus di rumah.

Kali ini, aku ingin membagikan pemikiranku perihal peran suami-istri ini. Mungkin bukan pandangan yang terbaik bagi kalian, tapi tentu saja aku nggak memaksakan pandanganku. Aku cuman senang berdiskusi karena secara nggak langsung aku membuka pikiranku pada pendapat orang lain dan menilik lebih dalam kenapa mereka berpikir demikian. Dengan begitu, aku bisa mencoba bernegosiasi lagi dengan pendapat awalku dan merenungkan. Toh sebenarnya nggak ada pendapat yang benar dan salah, hanya masalah cocok atau nggaknya kacamata tersebut di diri kita masing-masing, kan?
Jadi aku harap, pandanganku kali ini bisa memberikan sesuatu baru bagi yang membacanya.

Mungkin aku banyak dipengaruhi oleh nilai-nilai feminis (terutama gelombang ketiga), aku percaya bahwa tiap orang punya hak untuk memilih. Menurutku, seorang istri berhak memilih jalan hidupnya sendiri. Begitu juga dengan si suami, karena kedudukan mereka sama. Nggak ada yang lebih tinggi ataupun lebih rendah. Intinya, setiap pasangan harus mendiskusikannya sebelum memutuskan untuk maju ke jenjang berikutnya.

Sangat disayangkan kalau seorang istri yang punya karir cemerlang dan potensi luar biasa yang dapat direalisasikan di luar rumah, "terpaksa" harus menimbun mimpi-mimpinya hanya karena ego seorang lelaki, plus karena sesuatu yang kita sebut "adat" atau "norma". Sebenarnya, norma itu berasal darimana? Bukankah diciptakan oleh manusia? Oke, mungkin ada yang namanya norma agama, tapi apakah setiap orang harus mengikuti norma agama yang sama? Dan siapa yang menciptakan norma agama? Manusia yang menafsirkan firman atau perkataan Sang Pencipta kan? Tapi tolonglah, aku nggak mau berdebat soal agama, karena postingan ini nggak bakal selesai kalau itu terjadi.

Menurutku, jika seorang lelaki mengutarakan kalimat seperti, "Setelah nikah nanti, kamu bakal hidup enak, kamu nggak usah kerja. Cari uang itu tugasku. Tanggung jawabmu ya di dapur dan urusan anak-anak". Ini seolah  merendahkan derajat wanita. Bukan perihal "di dapur dan urusan anak" yang perlu dihighlight, karena seandainya itu perkerjaan pilihan sang istri, itu tetap mulia dan sah-sah aja. Tapi, yang perlu ditekankan di sini adalah kalimat itu berisi "perintah". Bukan pertanyaan, apakah sang istri juga punya pemikiran yang sama. Jadi menurutku jelas, tipe lelaki seperti ini menjunjung tinggi budaya patriarki, dimana dia menganggap derajatnya lebih tinggi dari wanita, jadi dia berhak menentukan jalan hidup istrinya. Calon suami yang menghormati pasangannya, pasti bakal bertanya dulu dan memberikan kebebasan untuk istrinya memilih.

Aku pikir, urusan rumah-tangga dan anak adalah urusan bersama. Istri nggak bisa membesarkan anak sendiri. Parenting harus dilakukan berdua. Membebankan tanggung jawab sebesar itu hanya pada seseorang, aku rasa sangat nggak adil ya. Bukan hanya dalam hal materi, secara psikologis, kalau keduanya belum siap ya nggak salah menundanya.

Di sisi lain, kalau memang sang istri punya karir yang lebih baik dan pendapatan yang lebih mencukupi daripada suami, aku rasa itu juga wajar di jaman sekarang ini. Wanita bisa membantu mencari nafkah, atau bahkan tulang punggung, tapi itu juga harus berdasarkan kesepakatan suami-istri bersama dan sesuai dengan kapasitas istrinya (bukan berarti suaminya bisa foya-foya sambil goyang kaki di rumah; ya yang sepantasnya, deh. Kalau hidup bersama ya berjuang bersama). Walau pastinya para tentangga dan sanak saudara bakal "was-wes-wos" sana sini. Peduli, apa? Kan bukan mereka yang menghidupi kita.

Akuilah bahwa sekarang struktur sosial udah berubah. Banyak aparat negara dan pemimpin yang berjenis kelamin wanita. Dunia ini udah nggak seperti dulu lagi. Orang-orang yang memegang teguh nilai konservatif memang selalu anti perubahan. Itu juga nggak salah. Kembali lagi, tiap orang punya pandangan masing-masing. Kaum konservatif akan tetap ngotot kalau memang harus ada pembagian tugas lelaki-wanita dalam unit terkecil masyarakat, yaitu keluarga sekalipun. Itu sah-sah aja kalau suami-istri memakai kacamata yang sama. Nah, kadang kacamata yang berbeda inilah yang menyebabkan ketidakharmonisan dalam rumah tangga. Umumnya, baru disadari setelah menikah :)

Hal lain yang pengen aku tekankan di sini, kadang wanita nggak tau tujuan eksistensinya sendiri karena norma yang selalu mengikat, "Istri harus ikut suami." Dengan struktur yang telah berbeda ini, aku rasa udah saatnya wanita bersikap lebih kritis dalam menentukan jalan hidupnya. Berada di rumah dan dibebankan tanggung jawab mengurus anak-anak (hampir) sendirian, apakah kamu siap? Apa memang ini yang kamu inginkan?

Sekali lagi, harus ada pemikiran dan diskusi yang matang sebelum maju ke jenjang selanjutnya.

Tapi kalau para wanitaku tersayang ini telah berpikir matang dan yakin untuk mengikuti suaminya dan mengenakan kacamata yang sama, lalu merasa bisa merealisasikan potensi dan mimpi dengan berada di rumah dan menjaga anak-anak, itu mulia, kok. Itu sama sekali nggak lebih rendah dari wanita yang bekerja di luar. Menjadi ibu rumah tangga jelas pekerjaan yang berat. Kalau dibayar per bulan, gajinya bisa melebihi gaji pegawai swasta, kok!

Jadi, ini sebenarnya maksudku apa sih? Kok membingungkan?

Kesimpulannya, semua tergantung pada pilihan hidup kita. Tergantung keputusan kita untuk memakai kacamata yang mana. Pria seharusnya memberikan kebebasan untuk wanitanya, karena jaman udah berubah. Mendikte peran masing-masing itu semacam suatu tindak pelecehan. Selain itu, wanita juga harus cukup kritis dalam menentukan tujuan dari eksistensinya.

Ingin jadi Ibu Rumah Tangga? Bagus sekali!

Ingin berkarir di luar? Bagus sekali!

Intinya ya nggak ada pembagian peran yang mutlak. Suami-istri sebaiknya saling kompromi. Anak-anak tetap nggak boleh terlantar, dan yang mengurusnya bukan hanya istri, tapi ini tanggung jawab bersama. Karena saat lelaki dan wanita memutuskan untuk hidup bersama, mereka saling menghormati pilihan masing-masing, berdiskusi dan sampai di satu titik persetujuan dimana nggak satu pihak pun merasa dirugikan. Keinginan mendominasi, baik dalam diri pria maupun wanita, sebaiknya dibuang jauh-jauh. Kalian pernah dengar kan, kalimat di bawah ini?

Satu hal yang berpotensi untuk membunuh setiap hubungan: EGO

Berbahagialah kalian yang memakai kacamata pemahaman yang sama dengan pasangan kalian.

-ASA-

What defines power?

It's been a while since the last time I posted anything. I worked like a cow in the past few months, but I am glad that today I spare some time to write. I would like to share a little bit about my experience in a non-profit organization that I devote myself to.

The main reason I join Toastmasters, not because I wanted to be a world-class speaker, but because I wanted to know the true meaning of leadership.

Some people had always been calling me bossy. Most of all because I am the youngest in the family and I tend to get whatever I want. Let's say, I wanted a huge teddy bear to be delivered right to my front door and well, it soon happened. Be jealous, because I did not even have to try. However, slowly I started to realize that life isn't only about getting what we want, but also giving what we have. I know now that it's all about learning to give. To my surprise, sharing and giving back to others affect my perception and my feeling entirely. It's the contentment I couldn't find elsewhere.

Servant leadership in a non-profit organization where we have to work our ass off, sacrificing our precious time, energy and money without expecting any acknowledgement from others is extremely challenging. Not to mention how many times I suffered emotionally and I was about to quit, in the end of the day, I was even called an idiot to have held back those unfavorable emotions at the back of my head. But then, as I reminisced, was it just a waste of time to be involved deeply in an organization which brought me nothing?

Uh-oh, alright. Take a deep breath. Before it offends anybody, please pay attention that I wrote those statements above in PAST TENSE. In the middle of my depressive moments, those were exactly my thoughts. It would be much better if I could neglect the responsibility which I valued like my own life but then burdened me a lot. I really had thought that it brought me nothing but hassle until I realized that it was me who had failed to see it.

I stopped experimenting with my shallow thoughts until I see the true example of a great leader. There might be plenty out there, but there's one who touches my heart. Plenty of hearts, in fact. Even from across the room, I've heard about how humble he is. It's true that people talk about others behind their back, and admit it, negative words usually spread faster than infectious deadly diseases. However, all I heard about him from time to time was praises, admiration and respect. So here I am to spread good things about him as well because I've witnessed his sincerity and dedication. He's definitely an exemplary leader who cares to listen.

To be honest, I was intrigued to know the secret of being a leader who earns much love and respect from everyone. Was it because of his position? Uh well, I would never know, if I did not experience a full year journey of hell. So I guess, we would never know how heaven is like, until we walked in hell, yea?

Not in literal meaning, my version of hell is a leader who never gets things done without pestering others. It gave me an arrogant thought, if only I ran away from my responsibility and also, her responsibility, what was she capable of doing without me? Of course, that was the time when I pitied myself and regretted whatever decision I'd made to have trapped inside. Well, I wouldn't share much about that leader's ugly truths here because I have talked enough about them somewhere else. Nonetheless, making her subordinate bear those thoughts alone was an absolute failure of being a great leader, although she held a position. I am not trying to compare anybody here, but even if I have done it, I wouldn't be sorry.

So, how can be two leaders with position earn different judgments from others? Well, the saints said we shouldn't judge at all, but darling, we ain't no saint. At least, I am not. Added up with my one full year of serving as a club president and plenty of leadership projects that almost made my head burst, I know for sure that position doesn't define power.

It's the IMPACT that matters.

As I reflect, what kind of leader have I become? What impact have I done to others for the year I've served in Toastmasters? Have I been delusional and proud for having the power that I probably never had just because of a position?

All those questions wouldn't have popped up if I hadn't tried committing suicide by jumping to that blazing and vigorous fire in hell. But dear, just because it burns, doesn't mean I'm gonna die (taken from a song lyric, yea you guessed it right). Instead, I got up more than twice to discover the true meaning of a servant leadership. It's not merely standing up there with an important position, but spreading positive impact to everyone we work with.

I used to whine because I thought I served for nothing, but now I feel contented that I've served for something.

Something precious, to be exact.

~ASA~

The Changes We Don't Want

What if I tell you that having absolute control of your life is merely a myth? What if I tell you that the false notion of having a perfect life is just as dangerous as throwing yourself into a lion's lair? What if I tell you that life is so full of unexpected changes? 

Someone's being taken away from our lives without even a slight warning, it might be the very first unexpected change that we have to face. It always starts with teeny tiny crack. And then we find ourselves missing some important opportunities due to difficult situations we can't control. That's the second one. It's impossible to rewind the time, so another teeny tiny crack of regret has just made it doubled. Last but not least, an unpredictable failure hits exactly in the middle, the crack spreads to the whole surface, until it's broken into pieces. Pain and loss aren’t just obstacles, but those are the certain changes in life.

But dear, let me ask you a question: will you survive?

I talked to an old friend few days ago. From our long deep conversation, I realized how much he has changed. And he told me he’s glad that I’ve changed to be a better version of me. It was the moment when I flashbacked every single unwanted change that forced us to step out from our comfortable shells.

We went through the same pain in the past. It’s hard to decide who suffered more, but most of all, suffering is not a competition, so why would we bother? We went through heartbreaks—not only once—but even if it’s just once, it’s all it takes to change someone drastically. We went through failures, bad times and hardships. Those unpredictable changes broke us apart, but we tried to assemble, collect all the pieces and make some conscious changes to go against those uncontrollable changes, because there’s no way we’re stuck in the place we’re not meant to be.

I used to be a submissive person back then. Whatever the ‘fate’ declared, I would just accept it wholeheartedly. When I injured my finger a week before my violin examination, I could do nothing except following the change and letting myself drift away. When failure hit me, I told myself, it’s my fault. I had to deal with it. It was the first. Secondly, I failed a subject in university and it was because I was so ignorant to pay much attention during lectures. When failure hit for the second time, how I wish I was told to be prepared. But that was not the end of the world, and I believe, it was the time I had to make a huge conscious change to break free from the shells that were tied to those irritating unwanted changes.

Changes are painful—both predictable and unpredictable ones. Apparently, the idea of change is scarier than anything in the world because we have to fight against that fear of unfamiliarity and the unknown. However, worry doesn’t make us strong, it’s how we usually get defeated instead. Therefore, if life is so full of uncertainty, why won’t we take that one brave shot out of our comfort zone and gamble for a (who knows) turning point? Won’t it be much more fun?

Changes are painful, but the pain is what changes us. Then, during the shot, we’ll discover that the journey itself is just half the fun. What has been broken, wouldn't be easily mended. Even if it didn't return to its original shape, it's okay as long as we survived. And the pain will eventually show us that we are capable of enduring what we thought we weren’t. Once we break free, we’re stronger than we used to be.

Thus, waste no time for worries. Changes are what we need. We don’t have to wait for things to get incredibly bad until we decide to make a conscious change in our lives. And those changes, we can always start from Toastmasters, because that’s also where I started mine.

(This is going to be another story to share, so see you next update; although my project ends here but I promise myself to keep updating the blog because I love writing more than anything else).

-ASA-

Moments of Strength in Weaknesses

NB: It’s going to be a long post, included recent terrifying yet amazing hiking experience.

“Asking for help is a sign of fragility and incapability. Reaching for someone’s hand to hold makes us weak and leaning into another person is something to be ashamed of.”

I don’t know since when I had been living in this mindset and constantly feeling pathetic, if I had to grab a hand when I was about to fall. Was it because of the idea of how glamorous independence could be? Or was it because this one little monster called ego that hides in our deepest soul?

If you don’t know, neither do I. However, I think the cause doesn’t really matter anymore after knowing the fact that it’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to hold hands when the whole world shakes. Because that’s what makes us humane.

I flew away from home to pursue my dreams when I was sixteen. It’s been the ninth year and I get used to surviving alone. It was such a pride to handle everything by myself, I needed almost no one. That was the reason why I was so unfamiliar with the term “asking for help”, because I thought I was competent enough not to fall apart.

A trip to Mount Sibayak last week allowed me to see things differently. I used to hike quite a few times in the past: Broga Hill, Apek Hill, Mount Ijen, Twin Peaks and so on, with a small group of people, with very little help to get to the top, but never in a bad weather. You may think that I am exaggerating the whole story, that it was just an overstatement, but at least, it was my honest feeling.

It was one or two hours past midnight. The forest was as dark as a dungeon, the light came only from our headlamps. I was okay with darkness, but I was never okay with that muddy, loamy layer above the forest floor, providing I wasn’t wearing proper hiking shoes. I freaked out when I slipped and right beside me was a dark abyss with no visible end. Two friends of mine helped me out from the mud, pulled both of my hands and I finally stepped on a solid ground, still struggled to balance myself and jumped over a huge chunk of tree which was on my way. I was terrified. If they hadn’t been there, I would have probably left the earth forever.

The second trial was when we were about to reach the peak. There was a slope of approximately 70 degrees vertical, required us to climb with both hands. I was stuck in the middle with my legs far apart. I still hesitated to ask for help, maybe I could just, you know, make it by myself. However, one wrong movement, I found myself sliding down without control. It was when finally I shouted a name, but he was up there trying hard to rescue another person. I stayed in a torturing position for almost 5 minutes, but by far it felt like the longest time I’ve ever waited in my life, until finally someone came and reached out his hand. With one vigorous pull, I was up there. I survived another trial, but wasn’t so ready for the next one.

My whole body was shaking, not because I was exhausted, but because I was so frightened. For few seconds when I was hanging on that slope, some precious moments in my life flashed before my eyes, so I thought I was really going to die. I was even sure that I had gone pale, until a friend asked, “Are you okay?” not only once. Maybe several times, I couldn’t be sure because all I could hear clearly was only my own extraordinarily loud heartbeats.

About fifteen minutes was it took to tame my fear. I tried the hardest to gather every last piece of courage that I had to continue the climb. But this time, I wouldn’t hesitate to ask for help. Everything turned to be much easier.

Before 5 am, we reached the peak and it was the most ecstatic moment in my life. The sky was like a giant page of a fairytale book. Full of stars. They’re blazing, breaking the darkness apart. It was when I felt much, much alive. And down there, the city was made of lights. When the sun rose, all I could feel was gratitude to witness another beautiful day. I made sure that I captured all those amazing sceneries in my mind and I would keep them for a long, long time. In addition, I would keep them with all the smiles I gathered from all those beautiful people up there.

Pic 1. Sunrise From the Peak of Sibayak

                             

Pic 2. With Beautiful People I adore

When I reflected and realized what happened on the Mountain, for the first time in my life, I didn’t feel miserable when I asked for help. I felt that I have stepped and leveled up to be a little wiser to acknowledge that there’s no way I could do everything by myself. Those terrifying moments up there turned to be the moments of strength in weaknesses. But wait, did I regret?

Never even once, because I figured out an important lesson I couldn’t find anywhere else: We don’t have to feel sorry for acknowledging our humanness, something we all share.

Moreover, I started to realize how those experiences connect to my Toastmasters journey. Being a club president doesn’t mean I have to do everything alone. For all these times, I keep being supported by my committees and how I was such a fool for not realizing it earlier.

I probably wrote this for my future self, when I need to be constantly reminded, not feeling okay doesn’t always mean vulnerable. To those souls out there, you’re not a burden when you have tried hard but you still need someone to be strong. If we have to hold on to someone, cry on their shoulders, to put our feet together, it’s absolutely fine too because…

Humans are made to help one another with the arms wide open. That’s how we find strength in all of our weaknesses.

-ASA-

A Poem : Slip Away

There would be times when we had to go through the hardest phase in our life in order to evolve into an individual attributed with higher level of maturity. And most of the time, this phase doesn't merely happen once. It's on our replay list all the time without us knowing how to be numb. But I guess, instead of wondering why, it's always a perfect way for us to learn to be wise. 

So I wrote a poem about letting go.

The wind blows, a whisper

would bring us hope

Calm is the sea,

Gentle is the kiss of the wave on the ocean

but the sea-bird, struck by lightning

could there be a bright summer day?

without a storm 

breaking the dawn.

You and I are destined

to be inseparable

You and I,

nights and days, darkness and stars, love and wound,

pleasure and pain.

But what if they told us,

that's one last chance to feel alive?

That day when the wind blows again,

leaves are falling,

Have they just died

Fighting to stay intact

So go grab them by the hand

Hold them tight, don't let them touch the ground

Just to know that

Have they just died

Twice.

Darling, you killed them

Little did you know

The tighter you hold onto

The more misery you put them to

It reminds me of you,

the pain that consumes your heart.

Falling leaves, frail and crumbled

Let them slip away

Let your heart heal and be set free

For some answers need no grasp

A storm knows no limit

A broken song sung on a colossal stage

But at least,

you and I now know how to rhyme.

-ASA-